Supermarket Sex Toys
There is very little you can’t buy in a well stocked Finnish supermarket. Bread, milk, rifles, fishing nets, bullets, porn magazines, sex toys…
Wait, back up there a minute.
Sex toys?
Because I have long gotten over the shock of rifles, bullets and porn mags being readily available.
Why would you buy a sex toy from a supermarket?
Seriously, can you imagine it?
There you are queueing up at the till, trolley laden with food, a Rampant Rabbit stuffed down in the middle so no-one can see it, trying nonchalantly to unload your shopping onto the conveyer belt, looking for all the world as though as though a vibrator is the most reasonable thing to be pulling out of your trolley and laying down next to the cheese and apples.
And you just know that it’s not going to go smoothly at the check out, don’t you? You know full well that the barcode won’t match or the box will be dented and the oh so helpful assistant who can’t believe someone was dumb enough to actually buy one -they’d probably been having bets in the staff room as to who the first one to check out a dildo was going to be -will press the bell and shout out
‘Sherl! Sherl! What’s the price for this vibrator, Shirl? Can you go to the dildo seciton and have a look? Yeah, that’s right, the Rampant Rabbit!’ Whilst waving the box over her head for all the shop to see as you sink slowly into the floor and try to crawl underneath your trolley.
And then you’ll be made to stand there waiting, because of course she won’t actually start ringing the rest of your shopping through until she has the code for the sex toy and you can only stand still, staring at your feet, cheeks burning in shame.
‘It’s only a vibrator!’ you want to shout,’ I know you all have one! Stop judging me!’ but you don’t. You simply stand and die of mortification.
And of course you’ll never be able to go back to that shop again, even though it is the only one that sells that nice curry paste you like and…sod the cury paste, it’s the ONLY ONE LICENCED TO SELL WINE!
Bollocks to that, I’m all for sexual freedom and the lifting of taboos but I think I’ll be getting my sex toys the traditional way, posted to me in a brown paper envelope, thank you very much.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland... only less snowy and stuff.
Well you can buy anything with your shopping these days… That said, I’m not quite sure where they can go from here.
LMAO! Do they really sell that in the supermarket????? What do you tell the kids when they ask what it is? LOL just thinking about that conversation!
Nothing like convenience in a convenience store is there! ;0)
You know what, I would rather get it from a supermarket! I get too many deliveries from my courier (a regular driver who does all those larger-than-normal-post items) and she would SO have my number if a certain unmarked brown paper package were to arrive. I’d be mortified. I’d look guilty even if she hadn’t a clue and that would tip her off. SO… I’d drive a looooong way from home and use one on the other side of town, though, which I hazard a guess is not an option where you are.
Love it! Had me giggling – thanks I just needed an uplift this morning!
there really isn’t much left, is there?
Quite!
they sure do! Thankfully I’ve not come across one with my kids yet. Yet another good reason to leave them with grandma when I go shopping.
Just how many sex toys are you intending to buy?! :O Ha ha, if i were to drive to the next furthest town it would take me over 3 hours each way. Although could be worth it…
you gotta admit… it would be sooooo amusing! LOL!
I would be very cautious of doing a swap with you after reading this!
Glad to have cheered you up!
Fantastic.
At least you can probably buy the batteries at the same time.
Wonder if they do buy one get one frees?
LMFARO!!!!!! hahahahah (Ps whats this gift club thing you are all on about – I want in!!!!!!) x
Well, as someone firmly of the opinion that we should make love, not war I’m more shocked by the guns n’ ammo quite honestly!
One for the secret post club? Possibly…
I might shop in-store at our local Tesco far more often if I could pick up a pornstar love-doll or one of those fleshlight thingies along with the spag bol and the Walker’s Crisps! How liberated. But like you say, there ain’t nothing more naughty and more erotic than a parcel wrapped in brown paper!
Am I the only woman in the world who doesn’t own one of those things? I’m clearly missing out so I’d better take myself off to your Finnish supermarket…
Confession time! I once had to return a toy to Ann Summers as it didn’t vibrate enough! The woman in the shop took it out of the box, changed the batteries and turned it on, in front of other customers, while I looked on mortified as it jiggled about all over the counter. She agreed it wasn’t working properly, I got a refund and scuttled out of the shop wondering if the other customers were thinking “wow, not fast enough for you??”.
Online purchases for me in future….
OMG too funny!!
It’s almost worth staking the place out just to see who actually buys one.
That would be one liberated lady!
For everyone else, sure!
oh damn it, and i was going to include one in my next parcel! given the game away now haven’t i?
BOGOF sex toys! Would love to see the huge 6ft poster in the doorway!
Glad to have amused. got your email – you’re in!
when i first arrived here the guns and ammo on the supermarket really shocked me. But out here it is much a way of life – most people that live in the countryside have been hunting at some time or another and it’s a really normal, popular sport. we have guns in the house, my husband hunts, it’s weird but i’m used to it these days.
It would even be worth enduring those isels for, huh? Blow up dolls would be funny, and really hard to explain to the kids why they can’t have one.
Get thee to the supermarket! I don’t have one actually. I used to but funnily enough it didn’t move with me when i came out here. Perhaps i should go and buy a replacement…
oh no!!! that is so funny, i can’t believe she did it like that! right in front of everyone! Poor you! Bet you’ve never been back, have you?
Perhaps one for a crafty vlog. Position myself in view and start filming when someone starts browsing. I’d probably get myself arrested!
That would be my worst nightmare. But also, I can imagine bringing my 7 year old son shopping and having to answer the questions………..*shudder*
LMAO! If those are the kind of pressies being sent I will def join in!
That’s so so so funny! I wouldn’t buy it from a supermarket but I’m pretty sure that the kid that puts all the sweets in my trolley (that would be Mr Foodie) would probably sneak one in just for a laugh!
I know! I might never be able to take my two shopping again…shame…
and then wander off and watch from a safe distance, no doubt!
In some ways it seems so logical to have sex toys at the supermarket along with everything else, but I don’t think I would ever get used to spotting them on the shelf.
For some reason this reminded me of one time when I had an electric toothbrush in my bag that got switched on some how and my mother asking me why my bag was vibrating. . . I’m pretty sure she wasn’t expecting me to pull out a toothbrush. . .
Well that’s just typical. We don’t have supermarkets like that! I got a vibrator from Ann Summers once, a long long time ago – I did a party when I was about 22/23, just after I got married for the first time. My gift was the vibrator.
I can’t remember ever using it though.
Wink.
CJ xx
Very funny. Alarming. But funny.
Lol and rolled on floor pissing with laughter and all those other things! Your post reminded me of a little experience I had in an Ann Summers store in Bath on my first visit to England.
http://vegemitevix.com/2010/02/24/dirty-stories-and-a-bath/
^ I’m certain it wasn’t you in the store in Bath Trish, but I witnessed a similar thing with an elderly couple! Too funny!!!
You’re right, in some ways it seems so logical and really it’s only our own prudishness (word?) that makes it funny or embarrassing but still…
I had an ann summers party at my house once and they gave us this sticky penis shaped slime thing to play with. you threw it at the walls and it stuck and sort of oozed down. It left a penis shaped grease mark on the wallpaper that was very hard to explain to my boyfriend at the time! and they were his walls as well!
that’s pretty much it really, isn’t it?
I do hope you’ve got a spare pair of trousers with you for all that ROFPMSLing – was that right or did i just write something really offensive in internet speak? I’m just not cool or down with it enough to understand all that shit…
When I was a teenager at high school I once bought a chocolate penis for a friend. The shop assistant shouted out across the whole shop to find out how much it cost, I was so mortified and never went near the shop ever again.
It’s ok I work from home. Alone. I may well be working in the buff…
Hilarious… and everyone talks about the Finns being so very reserved. I have had a few nights out in a seedy pub on the outskirts of Helsinki to realise that that’s not always true… but yet to see any vibrators on sale. Will keep my eyes peeled next time I visit though as can already imagine Son pulling one down from the shelf and shouting ‘Mummy, what’s this?’ across the aisle.
ha ha, i’ll bet! I’d have been mortified too, especially as a teenager when we all think we are so cool and sophisticated!
I know, it’s a serious misconception! I can’t imagine them stocking the shelves of Tesco with them! Although you never know…
hehehe, great post. Reminds me of the other night when hubby and I went away for Valentine’s night. On route to the hotel, hubby left me in the car park while he popped out to the shops and I watched as guys came back to their cars with huge bunches of flowers….Ahh, I thought, that’s why he’s left me in the car! No. He comes back clutching a Boots bag smiling like a goon. While other wives got flowers, I got a vibrating willy ring thing! “Flowers only go droopy – I won’t!” He smirked. He’s sooooo romantic!
Very funny!
You should come to Antwerp. We have a very nice tasteful ladies’ sex shop. Nothing seedy about it, all boudoir-like, with very nice women to assist one. Much better than buying a cat in a brown paper bag.
Hilarious. I definitely have to visit Lapland one day. Btw, you are one of my Hot Blog Titles for February. And your vlog was something else!
Be careful, you might have all sorts contacting you after demonstrating those skills on tape
This is making me feel like I want to curl up in a ball and I’m not actually experiencing it. Some things should def be something that come in the post or specialist shops…knowing my luck I’d load everything onto the belt then the checkout girl would change to either a spotty teenage boy or someone I knew or even worse, someone attractive…..
Geex talk about sec education! And I never get shopping without the kids. Knowing mine they’d be grabbing at them and pretending they’re light sabers or some such. Can just see me telling them that now we have to buy the neon latex dildo because they broke out! “Sorry kiddos, no treaties this trip, Mommy has to spend her treat money on this dildo – I mean light saber – you broke. No, sweetie, you CAN NOT bring it to school to show your friends. I don’t care how many of them have light sabers, you’re is special.”
I’m glad you agree with me about the whole Kindergarten Sex Ed scenario, but when your kids are ready all you’ll have to do is walk them down the right aisle at the grocers! Interestingly enough, I believe the sex toys talk is in the level for the 12-14 year olds according to that curriculim!
YEAH! If it wasn’t already painfully obvious before, it’s certainly a definite, now.
I.LIVE.IN.THE.WRONG.COUNTRY.
Here in Texas in the U.S, we can get porn mags, bullets and rifles all in the grocery, too. Walmart sells all that stuff. But, we have yet to step into the realm of sex toys…..wonder which Senator I need to bug for that……lol. Not that I’d ever buy one that way, but I’d die laughing at the shocked looks from the locals. ROFLMAO!
Bring on the brown envelopes I say!
I saw your tweet about exciting vlog news and then saw your post title in my reader. I was very concerned about the direction your vlogs were taking for a moment there. I like seeing my favourite bloggers, but there’s only so much I want to see of them!
Have you considered hanging around the aisle (maybe pretending to be busy on the phone) to see how many perusers of Rampant Rabbits you can embarass? May be throw in the odd “oooo that’s a good one” if they pick something up. I could do that for hours…oh hang on..that makes me the weirdo doesn’t it…whoops!
I can lend you my dark wig!
Yeah, some things are just plain wrong, and dildos in amongst the baked beans and cling film is one of them in my book.
ha ha, such a smooth talker!
Antwerp sounds lovely, not just for its sex shop.
thank you for that! and there are some great looking blogs on there that are new to me! brilliant, i love finding new blogs!
oh god, that would be the worst, wouldn’t it?
glow in the dark vibrating light sabers! i like it, a great one to remember if I accidentally push the trolley full of kids down the wrong isle!
and yeah, i’m totally with you on the sex ed thing. so, so wrong in my book.
You wouldn’t? i am considering doing a vlog of me buying one just for the hell of it. i’d love to see that letter though!
ha ha, sorry about that Barbara, didn’t mean to put the frighteners on you like that! no no, I’m all for a bit of personal humiliation for your amusement but even i have boundaries!
and so she lets an other dark secret out of the bag…
I think Kellogsville above might be in need by the sounds of it! I’m not sure a wig would help, as I’m ‘that foreign girl’ i’m pretty sure the entire town would know about it before I’d even got back to my car!
which reminds me of another story i may tell you someday…
I can just imagine – dying of embarassment. But seriously, Finland is quite ‘progressive’? I imagine a child picking it up and thinking it was a strange toy…
I’ve been offline for weeks now and just catching up with everyone. Hope you’re well!!!
Very funny post, but personally I’d happily buy a sex toy in a supermarket. I bought my friends rabbit’s for their birthdays when I found out they didn’t own them, it takes a lot to make me blush when it comes to sex!
And I try to buy my sex toys in store so I can feel them first and test them (on my nose!) and things, saves time sending it back if you order off the internet. I like to ask the opinions of the sales people too, always good to get a second opinion.
Honestly, I think no one cares nowadays what you do in the bedroom! I chat to my friends about it all the time, my mum bought me my first rabbit and we’ve talked about sex since I was a kid. It’s only sex!
I would never be telling this if I hadn’t had a few drinks tonight.
Years ago ,in Chicago my husband and I went into a sex toy store (on our way back to the parking lot after dinner) I was young and frankly,shocked. I asked the clerk ” Does your mother know that you are doing this?” (My husband was probably mortified.
We felt that we had to purchase something after “my” specticle ,right? So we bought a lime green vibrator .
I never touched it. We never had the right batteries. (really) So I hid it under my bathroom counter.
Well ,around Christmas time my middle son (about 15 at the time)who was always the kid who snooped ,found or guessed EVERY present ,apparently snooped under my bathroom cabinet.
Christmas morning, as he’s opening his presents ,he looks at me and say’s (out of the blue) “You’re disgusting!”
As soon as he said it ,I knew that he had seen my lime green dildo.
That is hilarious and strangely liberating all at the same time!
My sister has a great story about her dildo. I should get her to tell you it though!!
Yeah, I’m kinda chicken like that. There’s a whole lot about Finland I’d be scared to try. Like swimming in the ice cold lake after a sauna bath….O.O! I should write a Senator about the sex toy thing just for fun…..but, then again, our government doesn’t like to have fun very often.:(
Oh, I really am a lapsed catholic prude. I still feel shy buying condoms at 34! And I started rotating where I bought my pregnancy test during my MANY years of ttc. I can reassure anyone wondering, that no one tips you the wink and says ‘Good luck this time’ or ‘with that belly, you’ve got to be up the duff’. As for buying sex toys and looking the cashier in the eye, no, no, no!
See, I KNEW I should’ve gone to Lapland before leaving Finland! Goshdarnit!
I can’t believe this, it’s so weird! This is the same country that a few years ago (the last time I was there) had rules about selling painkillers and alcohol in supermarkets!
I totally need to phone my little sister now and just be like “ermm… yeah. do they do that down south as well or is it just those crazy northern people?” (cos you know, the north and south have a sort of Scotland/England thing going on…)
I’ll have my Rabbits in an unmarked brown box, kthxbai!
xx
oh yeas, the ice hole dip is fun! I’ve only done it twice in 5 years
though, its something you have to do to try it but not something you do
every week, you know? i would love to be a fly on the wall when the Senator
opened that letter!
I think it’s more prevalent in the south, it started around Oct/Nov last
year. And yeah, they still have those stupid rules about painkillers and
alcohol. Fucked up backwards country at times, at others, well, just kinda
odd.
It just wouldn’t be possible, would it? although i have bought stuff from
Ann Summers before now (UK high street chain sex shop) but somehow doing at
the local supermarket is a whole other world of uncomfortable
Good to see you back! Yes, in some ways it is quite progerssive and then in other really backwards – a strange country full of contradictions.
It is only sex and i have no problem walking into an Ann Summers store and buying stuff but as ‘that English girl’ there is no way i am going to walk into my local supermarket and pick up a vibrator! The news would be all round town before you could blink and whilst i’m not ashamed of owning sex toys it’s not something I feel my MIL and family need to have graphic details of.
oh no! I wonder who was more embarrassed, you or him?
Er… Aren’t you from a country where there’s sex shops at shopping malls and high streets? As in Ann Summers?
Here I am in a country that is supposedly one of the most sexually liberated in the world and for my toys I have to shop either * in the capital * online * sleezy places frequented by men in raincoats.
Count your blessings!
I am and for some reason I have no problem with shopping in Ann Summers but
the idea of going to the supermarket for my sex toy needs just fills me with
fear! online is much more appealing for me. also, i would feel ten times
worse browsing these supermarket sex toys with hubby making
informed decisions and having a discussion but online we can both read and
decide what looks good.
I wouldn’t be adverse to them opening up an Ann Summers here though!
I struggled to buy tampons and condoms with out shame or embarrassment at the supermarket, never mind vibrators !!!
I don’t think I would even dare walk down the aisle that sells them.
Am I a prude? lol
Another thing … Imagine bumping into your mother or granny having just stuffed a vibrator in your shopping trolly …. or worse still, bumping in to your mother or granny and seeing them stuffing one in their shopping trolly … Ewwwww!!!!
Not sure what happened to my comment, but I think I said something along the lines of how strangely liberating to be able to buy that along with your eggs and milk. Not that I would like, ahem. And, how on earth do you explain that to three inquisitive boys? Reminds me of a hilarious story my sister has about her vibrator collection, but I should let her tell you that one!!
ha ha, it can be a bit embarrassing, i think it depends on who is at the
till!
EEWWWW! so wrong. so very very wrong!
Liberating? maybe. Excruciatingly embarrassing? definitely!
Did I ever tell you how fabulous you are?!
Thank you! so pleased you enjoyed it!
My friends and family are lucky they don’t sell them like that here. If they did I’d have to buy one or two just to see the look on their faces.
Hey – This post deserves the ‘You Made Me Laugh Today Blog Award’!!
See my ‘When a little bit of wee nearly comes out’ post
http://flyingstartmag.blogspot.com/2010/02/when-little-bit-of-wee-nearly-comes-out.html
Meh. It would be nice if you were in a hurry to get a sex toy but I don’t think I can remember one time when I was ever in a hurry to buy a vibrator. But now I really want to go to Finland just for the novelty of buying a vibe along with a sandwich. Sounds fun.
especially when out shopping with your mother1 that would be hysterical!
why thank you very much. i shall wear it with pride! Mwah!
well if you’re in the area let me know, i’m dying to see your snow penis
sculpture in the flesh, so to speak!
I just spit out my morning coffee laughing so hard! Great post!
She’d love that.
Sorry, let me get that for you *leans over and wipes coffee off the
computer*
I’m giggling away to myself imagining the look on my mothers face if i did -
got to be worth it next time she comes for a visit!
hee hee. Given the way you wrote that with such personal insight, I’m wondering if perhaps you haven’t done this….
ha ha, nope. trust me if i had i’d be the first to admit it – i’d probably
even vlog it! i have no shame
Hi – just started reading your blog – I have been seriously missing out on some larf out loud stuff here. I love the sex toys supermarket blog – how progressive are they in Lapland? It did make me wonder if you did your supermarket shop on line what would happen if they had to do a substitute for instance?
good point, if you ordered a vibrator and they ran out, would they send you
a cock ring instead? Would be a bit disappointing. thankfully, as
progressive as Finland is in some aspects, it is completely backwards in
others and doesn’t have internet shopping. Maybe this is why…
I knew I should have been more daring in my secret post blurb. Think of the excitement as the brown parcel falls through the letterbox…
I actually have tears in my eyes from laughing so much. I can imagine the scenario all too well. I even have issues with buying condoms via Ocado (supermarket delivery service). I have to work out who’s going to be in the house when they come. What if my mum was to help me with the unpacking?
Ha! I’m all for sex toys but I get embarrassed just going into a store to buy condoms.
Some things were just meant to be delivered incognito!!
Ha! I’m all for sex toys but I get embarrassed just going into a store to buy condoms.
Some things were just meant to be delivered “incognito”!
ha ha ha! thinking of going back and changing mine now…
ha ha, right cause your mum doesn’t know you have sex! lol. but it’s so true isn’t it? We are funny creatures!
agreed!
That must have been so humiliating! I really hope nothing like this happens to me!!! Il stick to buying them on the internet to avoid this! Great post, Thanks! Has probably saved me the humilation of returning it to an actual person!
well, it didn’t actually happen but it could be humiliating to buy them from
a supermarket I think. God, and returning them would be awful.
My sister Karen at If I Could Escape turned me on to your blog (maybe “turned me on” was the wrong choice of words when commenting on your sex toys post *giggle*) anyway she’s been begging me to do a blog post about something that happened to me that relates to this post so here it is…
haphttp://kirsty815.wordpress.com/2010/03/04/secrets-of-the-closet/
To be honest, I don’t think id be able to! I would be too humiliated! Id cut my losses and run!
just as well websites like your exist, eh?
lol, love the way the articles was writen, i dont know about you but even buying condoms feels like every one is watching you.
I know what you mean! When I put them in my basket I hide them at the bottom
and feel like everyone knows they are. It makes me so mad at myself though,
I’m an adult! i shouldn’t feel like that! lol
Ha, that reminds me of this German AIDS prevention spot from 1990 which became a classic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1EtCcb2NOI
ha ha ha, that’s brilliant! I’ve never seen that before!
I really just don’t give a rip generally about these situations, but in spite of my bravado, in my own little town where everybody knows me, the family, the kids, I find myself trying to arrive at the checkout when there is no one else close. Oh, why here? the German caught my attention. It was my first language.
Oh my God, his is hilarious! Of course sth. HAS to go wrong at the till! Really funny story.
Cheers from the NL!
lololol Oh God soooo funny!
Jesus I get slightly embarrassed buying extra large sanitary towels, never mind a bloody vibrator!
You gotta love those frisky Finns!