Feeling Like The Worlds Worst Mother
My daughter, the hyperactive 3.5 year old early riser of the family, slept at her grandmothers house one night last week. My son, 1.5, slept at home.
I woke at 9am, eyes gently waking in the sunshine, lying in my bed stretching out and enjoying that glorious first few minutes a natural waking. Something I’ve experienced maybe 5 times in the last 3.5 years.
The house was amazingly quiet.
The boy eventually woke up at 10.30am, 15 hours after I put him to bed.
It was a wonderful, glorious morning of happy, well rested, smiling people. Until my daughter came crashing through the door that is. Already exhausted from having been awake half the night playing with her cousins, the tantrums, crying and arguments between her and her brother began again in full fury.
That’s when it happened. When my brain jumped unbidden down it’s own track. I did the unthinkable, I actually thought ‘wouldn’t it be so much nicer without her.’
How could I?
I hated myself for it immediately. Guilt ridden, horrified, I leapt to scoop her up in my arms and hold her close despite her protestations, to remind myself why life would not be better, not even contemplatable, without her.
And yet, that glimmer of life without always being woken up at 6am…well, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t look good.
God, I hate myself for even thinking it, it’s only sleep after all. If anything were to happen to her I wouldn’t be able to live with fact that thought ever been in my head. But it’s too late, I can’t take it back, I can’t un-think it, I am guilty of wishing my daughter away.
How could I do that?
Have you ever wished your children away or am I alone on this one?
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
sleep deprivation is the worst. I don’t think the best torturers in the
world are anywhere near as good as children for that! lol
How very strange, was going to post something similar today, but chickened out at the last minute. I don’t think that you are wishing your daughter away, just thinking about an alternative reality.
I am reading a fiction book which kind of deals with this which imho just shows that it is something that everyone has thought about even if it is for a fleeting second.
Don’t feel guilty. We’ve all done the “what if” thing or the “if only” scenario. My eldest – due to asthma and borderline aspergers – is regularly up and about before 5.30. I haven’t had a lie-in for nearly 5 years. He used to be worse – i.e. earlier – and I feel like I still haven’t caught up on all the sleep that I lost and won’t get a chance until he is a teenager. He also has terrible tantrums despite being nearly 9 – all part of the slight aspergers thing. And yeah. When he’s a friends house our home is a different place. Calm. Harmonic. Peaceful. “How it should be”. Can’t help thinking it. We’re only human. But then you’ve got to look at the other side of it. The positives. What they bring to the household. Suddenly it is all worth it.
I am glad it isn’t just me. The book sounds interesting, what is it?
It is so hard to beat ourselves up over these things, to forget that we aren’t the only ones and probably everyone has these thoughts. thanks Steve, it means a lot to hear i am not alone in this.
And yes, she brings far more to the house and our hearts than just sleeplessness and tantrums. Well, most days anyway.
Definitely not just you. It’s not that I wish him away so much, it’s that I feel like I could step into another life for a while, maybe back in time, when there was no children and long lie-ins and endless me time. I’d just like to go back there for a bit. Partly because I think then I’d realise how much I would miss him.
But yes. Some days I think, “god this would all be so much simpler if you weren’t here!” and then I feel like the most horrible mother in the world
Ah don’t beat yourself up – they will soon be teenagers and by some quirk of evolution it becomes perfectly natural, nay desirable, to wish them away
Is 15 too early to start leaving university prospectuses lying around, for Bath?
I’ve often wished my nut allergic son wasn’t with us, not in the corporeal sense, just somewhere else having loads of fun – so we could buy cake and curry!
Aw bless you, I think everyone has had thoughts like these at some point but we all know that we don’t really mean it and that we would do anything for our children x x
Being a parent in hard and there I times when I have wished that someone would take the boys off our hands for a couple of days or even a night, but there isnt and we have to manage. I was in tears on Saturday, as I shouted at Mini at 6 in the morning. It was my lie in and he woke me up for a drink – arggggg
Lack of sleep is a killer. I have two early risers, as you could possibly guess from my posting times, so I have to go to bed earlier
Most definitely not on your own. Big Small has done a few hours here and there of nursery inductions. And the time I’ve spent without him; well, I’d be the world’s most amazing liar if I said I didn’t long for more time without him, to better enjoy Little Small. I find myself wishing for his temporary absence when I think of all the issues he’s going with, so I wouldn’t have to deal with them.
Whilst I feel guilty, I also have to remember that I’m only human, and it’s ok to wish for a sense of peace sometimes. You know you’re not wishing anything more serious or sombre than that. Definitely don’t beat yourself up.
If we were all really honest, I think all parents would say such thoughts have crossed their mind at some time or other.
Don’t feel bad about thinking that. All parents have similar feelings occasionally.
I think in the end it’s about separating the things you really wish you could do away with, from your child. For example, it is perfectly sensible to hate 6am starts and tantrums, and to wish they would go away. That doesn’t mean you actually want your daughter to go away. See what I mean? You can hate certain behaviours, it doesn’t mean you hate your child.
No, you’re not alone; and you’re extremely honest to admit it. I don’t think I have. But there’s a tiny, weeny flicker just sometimes and before it’s even manifested as a proper thought, it’s gone, I’ve stamped it down and screwed it up and thrown it hard against the wall. And then thrown myself against the wall, still harder.
I think it’s perfectly natural to have such fleeting thoughts, especially if you’re sleep deprived. I doubt that there is a parent out there that doesn’t wonder on a regular basis what their lives would be like without kids…
Hold on to your revenge: when your daughter is a teenager and wanting to sleep in until midday imagine yourself running in to her bedroom turning on the lights and jumping on top of her screaming “wakey wakey”. My husband does it to our daughter regularly on a Sat morning and god does it piss her off! She’s been known to stomp off to the bathroom shouting back “I wish I lived somewhere else”. So life does come full circle. And no you are not alone in sometimes wishing your life could be different. Particularly when it comes to sleep.
Yep, I’ve been there too. I think you’ll find many of us saying the same. It passes. You would never want that to happen. You kiss, hug and think of all the wonderful moments that you wouldn’t have wanted to miss for the world. The occasional sleep in, day off by yourself somewhere etc – just small things help you along I find.
I know what you mean! I wish i had appreciated that endless me time before the kids came along! It’s a horrible monster, that thought isn’t it? i feel somewhat comforted to know that it isn’t just me though.
I have those thoughts and I only have one child! It was really bad when she was newborn. Once in a while I get a pang of wanting my pre-baby life back but of course I wouldn’t change a thing. What you have described sounds perfectly normal to me.
My 10 year old has gone away with the school for 3 days and I have to admit that we are like a couple of kids being left in the sweet shop – we had a lie in until 7.30 this am as no school run, actually had a quiet breakfast where we read the paper and drank a whole cup of coffee instead of rushing around checking games kit and homework etc and we are taking a half day off work and going out to the beach with the dog for a long walk followed by tea and cake then going out to the theatre later and tomorrow we can have another lie in…..we did say perhaps our little one would enjoy boarding school (!) but it was just for a fleeting moment as we relished our freedom! So no, you are not alone! Definitely not. And now I feel like the worst mother for writing this! (I do miss her little hugs and kisses though….aw! I’m getting all mushy now and I’m starting to miss her!) PS Also, we’ve only had 4 days/nights without a child in the house in the last 28 years, so I think I shouldn’t feel guilty after all! (convincing myself now that not terrible mother)
here it is quite normal for them to move to the ‘city’ when they are 15 as the trip to school can take an hour each way.
That’s the important thing I guess – knowing that you didn’t really mean it. It still makes me feel awful for having thought it though but i guess its natural
I agree, i think I could deal with anything they threw at me if they’d just let me sleep.
Thank you, it is so good to know it isn’t just me and yes, I am only human – it’s not as though i was sitting down plotting her demise or anything.
Thank you Lady Fi, it is good to know it isn’t just me. It’s so easy to become convinced it is sometimes though, eh?
that is a very good point their gappy, it’s not her I want less of it’s the early mornings and hyperactive tantrums
thank you Tim, it is so hard to stay on top of those thoughts sometimes isn’t it?
I regularly find myself wondering that, I think my worry this time was because I was wishing just one of them away. I dread to think how life would be if that horror ever came true. shudder. Thank you though, it is good to know i am not alone in this.
Oh yes, been there wearing the t-shirt! I was even one of those mothers who got bored with her toddler/baby if I had nothing else to do (like work!) Yes I frequently wish the children away, if only because then I could have some adult time with my husband and time to myself. I couldn’t help noticing when they were in NZ that we had so much more resources – food, money, time, sleep and….. inter-adult physical dialogue! (er sex).
You weren’t wishing your daughter away dear Heather, you were merely thinking about how nice it will be when she is old enough to separate from you a wee bit more, give you more personal space, sleep and time for yourselves. Lord knows when you ever get any time to spend with your husband!! Give yourself a break woman, you’re doing a brilliant job and I know how difficult it can be!
Oooh, i’m going to hold onto that image the next time…thank you!
thank you, it so good to know I am not alone. small things do help.
You know I have had my moments with Dark Princess where I’ve wondered why on earth she can’t be ‘easy’ like the other two!! Why the tantrums and dramas and hassle? Why does she get up at 7 fricking am every morning!? Why? The worst thing of all is noticing some of her father’s behaviour and mannerisms in here, and that stings! I’ve learnt over the years to forgive myself for these feelings.We are only human. Our kids wouldn’t want a ‘good mother’ because they’d miss us – with all our foibles and faults.
Shock, it isn’t like you verbalised the thought. As a child I used to regularly yell at my mum ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ and she would yell back even louder ‘I didn’t ask to have you either’ … lots of door slamming. At least you haven’t reached that point yet!
Well I personally never wish my children away. I think you’re a horrid and unforgiveable person for thinking even for a moment you don’t want your daughter around.
Wait I can’t finish typing this, the little bugger is pulling at my arm. Let me shake him off. What was I saying? I can’t think straight. Little Bugger was up at 1:30 and still hasn’t gone back to sleep. Little Princess had a tantrum at 5:00 because I wouldn’t cuddle with her. Sleep deprived brain isn’t work. Darn these kids and their needs. Where was I?
Right, wishing your children away . . . how does one do that exactly and does it work? For how long? Do they come back all at once or can I ease myself into it?
Oh wait, that’s right, wishing your children away is horrid, awful, not good parenting at all. Never mind. I personally never do it.
You weren’t really wishing her away…you were wishing for an occasional lie-in but it was just heavily disguised!
We all think bad thoughts at times…I’d be locked up if someone could tap into my head…
Silliness is good. Much better than feeling guilty or embarassed or – oh dear gods – mortified!
Silliness is a coping mechanism, you know, and a good one at that. I personally subscribe to the silly method of parenting. You can threaten your children with banishment or death as long as you do it with a clown wig and a foolish look on your face.
love Dara’s comment!
when your children get older you can arrange endless playdates and sleepovers – to improve their social skills, you know, although we call it space management or the way to avoid the constant world war 3 going on in our house. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the times when at least one or two children were out of the house at a friend’s x
Of course you’re not alone! I don’t think there’s a parent alive that hasn’t had a thought like that pop into their head! I sometimes think back to life before kids and miss it just a little bit – but then I think about my my sweet babies and how dull my life would be without them. Don’t worry, you’re still a good mom in my book!
There are days when I know my life would be easier – no, maybe just different – without them. Then again, when I imagine life without them I am ready to crumple and cry. It’s all part of loving others, I guess.
You are not the worst mother in the slightest, in fact you are the complete opposite. I am sure every mother has wished their children away temporarily at some point, we would never ever want it to come true but sometimes we just need a break. I know I wonder what it would be like not to have any children, especially with the lack of sleep. Don’t be too hard on yourself you are only human and a wonderful mother. xx
As the mother of a ten year old who NEVER slept AT ALL until he was two (ok, that may be a very slight exaggeration, but I swear it is only slight), I can assure you that you are not alone in those thoughts. I cannot count the number of times I sat crying with tiredness wishing to Godthat I’d never had a child (don’t think I’ve ever admitted that before now). Ten years on, it’s all a distant memory: the waking up early thing does get better, I promise!
You would only be the world’s worst mother if you actually sold her on ebay.
I have wished both of mine away and felt equally terrible. The girl when she was tiny and not sleeping and the boy when he winds the girl up. It’s hard sometimes being a parent and when things are hard it’s almost impossible not to have a fleeting moment of “if only”.
If anyone says then haven’t then they’re either an angel, or lying.
Yep, been there but never had the courage to tell anyone. I too am hugely relieved to see pretty much everyone wonders what the alternative would be like.
Jen.
Well, I don’t have a 3.5 year old girl, but I have a 4-month-old one, and listening to her cry at four this morning, I know your pain. (We’re working on teaching her to soothe herself, even though it’s so much quicker to just go in and soothe her.) Wow, your other kid slept 15 hours? He deserves an award. My son goes to bed early, but sure enough, he wakes up early too. We are all moving around the house by 6:30. (It’s funny, though, if I get to sleep later, I feel like I’ve lost a good portion of my day. Weird, huh?)
You’re not alone, no. I don’t think there’s a parent on the planet who hasn’t thought this at one time or another. My oldest son is 18, mentally handicapped, 100% total dependent, and has grand mal seizures. There are times when I imagine what it would be like if he weren’t disabled, or if he ever moved out. I know that will never happen, and deep down I don’t want it to. But, during those frustrating times….I have imagined. Don’t feel guilty, all it means is that you’re human.
Been there, done that…How many times???? Too many x 5 kids.
I keep hearing about people with one or two children and keep saying to myself my gosh my life would run as easy as pie if that is all I had on my plate.
But then I remember even with all the hard stuff why I have so many kids (and no it is not a lack of belief in birth control lol). I think families are what is important in life.
As long as you don’t say it to her you are okay.
Note to self: buy clown wig.
Play dates and sleep overs do sound wonderful!
Oh god, that’s a scary thought isn’t it, spmeone being able to read your mind! Eeek!
Thank you, it is so good to hear I’m not the only one. you think that sometimes, don’t you? Or maybe that’s just me…lol
I guess so. Life without them whilst having some good points would be awful. The same could probably be said for most people you love in life, huh?
Aww, thank you. a break is good though. I am taking one tomorrow and going skiing for the day! yipee!
I do hope so. i think it may be divine retribution – i used to be the same and drive my own mum nuts.
I tired but they wouldn’t let me – apparently there’s a law against it! Who’da thunk it?
Good to know i am not alone, thank you.
It is so great to hear I am not alone – and not the only one worried about admitting it either. thank you.
I remember those days – my girl was a terrible sleeper as a baby and would only sleep on me for the first 4 months. It was terrible, I was a complete zombie!
so things do get better – now she sleeps most nights and in a few years i’ll be having trouble getting her out of bed most probably! I know what you mean about losing the day, if i’m up after 7am i feel like i’ve missed out on so much time already! lol
Thank you, it is so good to know i am not alone. Reading all these comments it seems most mothers think it at some point. Phew.
I’ve almost forgotten those months, nay years, of interrupted sleep. My kids are now 16 and 12 but they still take up most of our life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love them and I like them.
BUT. And there’s always a but. My wife and I don’t get enough time on our own together. That part is tough. Last year we went away for a (dirty) weekend to Reims. Of course, I blogged about it:
http://wwwtheothersideofparis.blogspot.com/search?q=reims
It was great to have two days and one night away on our own but it needed a lot of organisation and money. That was nearly a year ago!
So I understand your thoughts entirely. Don’t feel guilty about it. Your honesty is refreshing and I just hope the judge feels the same way….
It’s all perfectly normal Heather. I thought exactly the same thing last night when my 6 year old kicked off because she’d be taken out to McDonalds (don’t ask!) by my sister as a treat because I was unwell and couldn’t entertain her. She came home and burst into tears because she didn’t get some cheap plastic toy she wanted. She went straight into the bath then bed, and yes, I wished one of us could just leave. All fine today though and forgotten, well sort of!
Not for a long term, but surley for a break. Hell I suspect most folks do that often!
Everyone has had that thought before. Not “I wish they were gone” but “if they weren’t here/mine/my responsibility. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying.
Hell I do it all the time, not wishing they were gone but thinking I would/could do this that or the other if they weren’t my responsibility.
Almost every day, Heather, every day. But I’d die without them and I don’t know how I will cope when they leave home! But we are mothers, sometimes very tired mothers, and not superwomen! Ok, we are sometimes too! Don’t feel guilty, Glad you’ve enjoyed a bit of rest. Ciao. A.
Every time my 5 year old comes home from school and disrupts the world of calm that me and the 3 year old have spent the day crafting, I think that thought. So you’re human, grab a glass of wine and join the club.
YOU are not a bad mother! I can imagine that you sometimes think what if. We all do. I don’t have children. Sometimes I think what my life would be have been like if I had children. That does’t mean that I am going to have any LOL
Don’t worry! I bet you are a great mom!
I think it is normal when you are continually sleep deprived to imagine ways that could cure the problem and make you feel human again. I am always looking for a break because neither of my kids needs much sleep (think 9 hours tops a night). So I have become an addict of play areas and other things that give me a chance to just sit and veg. I actually have a post up about this very subject today. Don’t feel guilty. I think all moms think the unthinkable sometimes.
Not alone there. I put it down to sleep deprivation. I like Pippa’s idea of an alternate reality, you know, the one in which you hadn’t had kids. Peace and quiet, tidy house, lie-ins. You know, you’ll get them again later in life and you’ll have had the joy of having children!
Totally normal I would say, and fantastically honest and brave of you for posting about it. Having twins, I am constantly thinking in my head, ‘what would this be like if there was only one?’ And I do feel guilty for imagining an alternate reality where one of my babies doesn’t exist.
I imagine that this will get more difficult as they get older, and their behaviour becomes more challenging, and then I expect to be having exactly the same thoughts as you. And probably beating myself up about it afterwards like you too.
I think every mother has thought something like that in their darkest moments. We just don’t like to admit it. I often think life would be easier with two children, and I know which of the three causes the most problems. But said child can also be the sweetest and most loving. We are just human and lack of sleep is very hard. Big hug.
Definitely not alone – we’ve all craved that peace and quiet (and sleep). I promise you – that little firecracker who is up at dawn will eventually sleep much later (about the time she becomes a teen) and will morph into a night owl.
You absolutely are NOT alone, even if its only me & you in the room my lovely (though from 74 comments below I think we’ll have some company!)
Eldest Daughter has ADHD and didn’t sleep for 5 years. And I mean that (very nearly) literally.
It. Was. Hell.
So don’t worry. It doesn’t mean you are a bad mummy, it means you are a normal mummy. Try not to be upset. Be kind to yourself my lovely.
MD xx
I’m not a mother and I’m surprised all parents don’t have this fleeting thought more often!!!
Its called Handle with Care and is by Jodi Picoult. Wouldn’t you know when I read the last chapter I remembered I had already read it…
You’re not alone at all. Without going too much into details, I’ve often thought, in dark, fleeting moments, that our family life may be better without my oldest son around. He just causes such contention between my husband and me. But, then I remind myself that he is just a child and I love him dearly, despite the difficulty it is to properly raise him.
Being a parent is sometimes very hard and we’re all human. Sometimes we have improper thoughts, but the key is that we do not use those thoughts to hurt others (emotionally or physically). That is what distinguishes the good mothers from the bad.
ha ha ha, I’ll just print a copy of these comments off to give him! lol.
ack, that sounds like a night mare! I’m so glad it isn’t just me that has these thoughts sometimes. thanks Rosie
it seems to be, reading these comments. I am so pleased that I am not alone.
Thank you, I really thought it was just going to be me that thought these things – you know the way you do. I’m so pleased I’m not alone on this
Thank you Antonella.
there’s a club? and wine? Cool!
Thank you. I guess it’s normal to thing ‘what if’ no matter what your situation.
Thank you Naomi, it is so good to hear that it isn’t just me. 9 hours a night wound about the same as my daughter – I can sympathise.
very wise words. Thank you.
You’ll have to bookmark this post and come and read all the wonderful comments again if you start to feel like you are alone in those thoughts when they come. It is so comforting to read about other people having these same thoughts and know that i am not some horrible monster.
yes, human we are. and the lack is sleep is so hard sometimes. but i wouldn’t be without them…well, except for those few early morning hours
oh God, and then i’m going to be wishing for the days when she would get herself out of bed early, aren’t I? lol
oh thank you, 5 years? gah! makes my piddly 3.5 seem like nothing!
lol before I became a mother i amazed that people even bothered having kids – i was sure i was never having any!
Very wise words. thank you. I do feel a lot better after reading all these comments and knowing I am not alone.
*big hugs* I can’t speak from experience but I’m willing to bed that you’re not alone.
Just because for a brief second you longed for an easier life it doesn’t make you a bad person. Everyone occasionally thinks “I wish…” I’ve done it before with my mum, my life would be immensely easier without her, but when she dies I’ll still be heartbroken. It doesn’t mean you want it to happen, it just means you’re human.
You’re not alone. I’ve had moments with Babygirl where after everything and all the yearning to have her with us safe and intact flew away and I honestly thought how nice it would be to not have to breastfeed her again – obviously really didn’t mean it but sleep deprivation can do this to you (that’s why they use it as a means of torture)