I Am Wallpaper
I am wallpaper
I am a confused smile
I am a blank expression and a thousand yard stare
I am the one you don’t want to be left alone with
I am the one with the uncomfortable silences
I am no longer the life and soul
I am not the fun one or the funny one anymore
I am the one that is difficult to speak to
I am the one that is good for practising your English on
I am the one that you can complain about your family and friends to, after all, who am I going to tell?
I am the one that you tell about your nights out with friends
I am the one that tells herself it doesn’t matter that she never gets invited
I am the one that pretends it’s okay that she doesn’t have friends
I am here but you don’t really see me
I am wallpaper, nice to meet you.
I’m sorry it was so sad and navel gazing but since reading Vix from vegemitevix’s post, Who Are You, yesterday I felt the need to get this off my chest.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
You don’t strike me as a wallpaper type, really you don’t. Or if you are then a wallpaper with bright, swirling colours that everyone looks at rather than the room.
Yes, I’m the first commenter! Result!
(I really must get out more).
So you’re one of those ‘Im all quiet on the outside but give me a blog and you get the full monty’ types?!
If this is how you really see yourself then it is interesting to see how differently readers see you in comparison. I love the way your mind works. Good post. I found Vix’s post equally illuminating, little windows into fellow bloggers.
I would like to be left alone with you for a big long chit chat. You’ve got friends my lovely, and what’s more, they’re so international you can probably call on someone any time of the day.
Also, my written english is appalling, can I practice in your comments
I guess today is a day for that, my post is a bit like that too!
I have the raging desire to hop a plane and come sit by you! And just… practice my english on you or something
You, my friend, are SO NOT wallpaper. It is very interesting to read this post. Sad and poignant, yet also so very rewarding as a reader to see be granted this insight. Thank you.
Satisfied reader,
Long way away (far too far to “just” get on a plane and come visit, but you know, it’s the sentiment that counts…)
You can be the wallpaper in my room
You can share confused smiles with me
I’d love to be alone with you just eating yummy Finnish chocolate
Silences aren’t uncomfortabel when your with friends
You are hilariously funny
You’re one of the easiest people to speak to..I have the emails to prove it!
Minä rakastan Heather koska hän on hyvä ystäväni (that may say he instead of she? lol)
You wouldnt tell anyone because you’re a great friend but you gave me the courage and strength to tell other people how I was feeling, you helped me like you wouldnt believe.
I tell my friends on nights out about the lovely lady in Finland who says I can go and live with her and chase reindeer, get naked in her sauna and eat chocolate and drink wine with.
You are as welcome at my house as I am at yours
You have me
I see you and I think of you every morning when i wake up and see my reindeer postcard on my wall.
You can be my wallpaper, Im very glad I met you
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I understand exactly. I empathise. Though I cannot completely comprehend how isolating it would be to not even have language. I think you’re incredibly brave and would be superhuman if you didn’t feel like this at least some of the time.
You aren’t wallpaper to me my friend.
If you are, you’re like the funky swirling Andy Warhol ‘cow’ wallpaper I saw at the Tate the other day. Funny, vibrant, with hidden depths. Can’t wait to meet you offline. I think it’s highly amusing that the first real friend I’ve made over here is a crazy British woman who lives in Lapland!!!
I see you. (and not in the Avatar way, that would be icky!). Vxx
Hope you’re giving those slopes ‘what-for’ today!
I feel like that since my son started school, and I stand on the sidelines in the playground when I pick him up. But then, I’ve never been the life and soul of the party anyway, and am somewhat used to it (I’m one of the ‘quiet on the outside’ types.) You don’t strike me as being that way at all, though not having the language properly must make things really difficult. At least there’s a community here which you do feel part of.
I haven’t been visiting your blog for very long but I can tell yopu, hand on heart, you are anything but wallpaper. Chin up, chuck. You’re a star.
Me too honey. Shit isn’t it. (((hugs)))) xx
Some great comments here already, but I can tell you, as a wallpaper connoisseur, that you are most definitely wallpaper for a feature wall. The wall that’s the first one you look at when you walk into a room, that grabs your attention and is a talking point. That’s full of character and personality and could never be ignored. x
I think a lot of us expats are. We can’t be a part of the country and society in the same way, so we have to stick on the edge.
You aren’t the only one who feels like this. Big hugs.
Wow, powerful & brilliant writing, I think we all feel like this sometimes. But I agree with Dumdad, you are the brightest, most colorful wallpaper xxxx
Ah Sweetie,
I feel this way too sometimes.
Let’s hang together, shall we?
We’ll keep each other from becoming unglued.
Sorry for the puns, couldn’t help myself. Anyway, better to be the wallpaper than the doormat – look at poor Mat, getting walked all over all the time. Oh yes, everyone notices him – so they can rub their grubby feet all over him. Let’s just hang here quietly and hope no children scribble on us, eh?
What say everyone? A great big WE LOVE YOU for Heather?
I know the feeling… I think it can be part and parcel of living in a country where the inhabitants aren’t native english speakers. The one that struck a chord the most was the getting invited to events. Somehow the foreign girl isn’t on the top of the list of invitees and usually only gets invited when you happen to talk to the person about something else, and sometimes even then it feels like a pity invite…
I glad to know I’m not the only one, was starting to get paranoid it was actually me!
aww sending you *big hugs*
I would love to spend time with you, as it appears would all the previous commenters! I know it’s not the same but we’re all here for you and we definitely don’t see you as wallpaper.
I expect I’d feel the same if I lived in a country where English isn’t the main language. Remember that you are a lovely, funny person and you always have your bloggy buddies
Wow-there seems to be a lot of insecurity and unhappiness going around from the most interesting and talented people in blogland.
I think you are fab. I thankfully do speak a pretty decent hebrew, so I am not that isolated in that sense. I also live in a really good integrated community where everyone helps each other out.
I have had my moments feeling like you are feeling.
What I have found is that I just have to be myself. I also find that you have to be good friend to have good friends. I think in the virtual world you have done that pretty damn well. Don’t know how it is for you in the day to day life. I find getting involved and putting yourself out more does help.
Lots of hugs.
Wallpaper makes the surroundings beautiful though. It enances its surroundings. Right?
Wallpaper shmallpaper ! – sorry you are feeling like this – I think that you are an incredibly interesting lady with a lot of heart. Your posts are often laugh out loud funny, or really thought provoking. You are different, unique, not a sheep – and that can only be a good thing.
Chin up x
It’s really hard living abroad. I mean, they speak English over here, and I still found it took ages and ages to belong. And I still don’t. Can’t imagine what it would be like to live somewhere where they don’t speak the same language.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this.
ha, thank you my dear. Very kind of you to say so.
oh damn you woman, you went and made me cry all over my laptop! and i am very impressed at you Finnish – have you been practising for our reindeer taxi venture?
without this community i don’t know where i would be. It’s you lovely people that keep me sane (ish)
oh not too garish though I hope?
ha ha ha, yes perhaps getting out would help…lol
It is interesting to see how people see themselves. I don’t feel this way all the time, online I’m more me than in real life i think. Or more the old me, the me I can be when I speak the language and understand what’s going on around me.
it is very true, having read through some of these comments i can see that i really do have friends. i may not have met you all in real life but you are friends none the less. now if you’d all just come and move out here…
lol
oh really? I’ll come over and ave a read soon x
damn those expensive flights! thank you, it is so lovely to hear this, to hear that people think of me as I do them. x
I can’t wait to meet you either…it’s going to be a blast! Thank you for your wonderful comment, it is hard not to feel like this sometimes but mostly I feel fine, just some days, you know?
had the best time – my legs are going to hate me tomorrow
you know, it’s been so long since anyone called my chuck! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Thank you for you kind words. mostly i am fine and happy but some days it can get to you a bit, this never really being involved in stuff because of the language barrier. thank God for the internet.
Some days it really is, isn’t it? ((hugs))
Thank you my dear, it’s hard some days isn’t it? but thankfully not all days feel like that.
Thank you. although I am slightly worried about just how bright and colourful…not too garish i hope
awww, thanks hun. I’ll hang with you any day of the week my wallpaper chum
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because people don’t want to feel ‘on duty’ so to speak, when they go out, they want to relax and not have to worry about talking different languages or that one person can’t understand everything when they talk fast. I think that’s it mostly, at least I hope so – I do try not to take it personally. It’s hard though sometimes, huh?
and without you all I don’t know where I would be. Chatting to people online is the only I get to talk to real people a lot of the time.
thank you my dear. without you all I’d be truly crazy.
You are probably right, I probably don’t do enough to reach out to people in real life…
ahh, bless you. I suppose it does
Thank you my dear, it means a lot to hear it.
Thank you Iota. I don’t feel like this all the time, not very often really these days as long as I don’t let myself think about it. mostly I love living here and everything, just some days I miss having real life friends, you know?
This is a wonderful piece of writing and so how I have been feeling lately. As has been said by many already, in just a short time I have been blogging and got to know you as a fellow blogging mum, you are definitly not wallpaper to me. xx
Life has been so “exciting” for me in the past three months, a thousand yard stare is fine with me
We all stand at crossroads several times in our lives. My mother’s death in January forces me to take a deep hard look at myself and at my life. Strange, but I didn’t realize that untill after reading your and Vix’s post today. That is why I like visiting your blog, there is always something new to think about (and your vlogs ofcause LOL).
This is exactly how I feel these days too, for different reasons, but the feelings are the same. Like you, I would be lost without my online friends. I hope there is a way for you to figure this out, it seems unlikely right this minute, but you just never know what lies around the corner or what great idea you will come up with
Jen.
When i win the lottery I’ll build you all houses out here and book a private jet
Oh, I remember those years too well! I hope they get better for you as they did for me. xx
It saddens me to read this Heather. You are so alive and vibrant on the internet. One of the first people to say hi to me when I joined BMB. I immediately warmed to you. It’s crazy if you are not connecting with people in the “real” world. Don’t accept it as your lot. Take all the encouragement in these responses as a sign that you have something very special to offer. You need to get yourself out there and start making them see you! GO FOR IT GIRL as we say in the good ole US of A!
I was reading this, thinking, what is she talking about? I thought you were doing some kind of writing project about wallpaper (excuse me I haven’t had enough coffee today clearly). You are so not wallpaper. Though I do understand feeling this way. Hugs.
oh there you are, I almost missed you blending in with the wallpaper and all that… your commentors were louder than you today… yes, I spent years doing that blending stuff, I was great wallpaper, but in my 50s I have thought differently – I don’t want to be loud or garish but what I love about me is maturity brings confidence. It’s great, I don’t care what anyone thinks (my kids do, I constantly embarrass them). If only I had the confidence that is mine now in my teens and twenties…
Well that is a surprise!
I never had you down as wallpaper, especially after convincing me to do a vlog! – and not making me win – no harsh feelings
Go on, you’re having me on. You’re just having a female moment and I’ll hear no more of it.
Is there anyway I can get you direct in my inbox to save time searching?
You could never be wallpaper my dear…but if you are, it’s got to be wild and crazy wallpaper
Thank you MWA, hopefully they will
I have tried to make friends, put myself out there and a couple of times thought I had proper friends but then i was still left at home being the one told about the nights out and the fun but never invited…I think i’m afraid of putting myself out there any more. I don’t think those people did it maliciously, i think they just don’t want to have to worry about speaking slowly or foreign languages or introducing new ‘difficult’ people to their group when they out to have a fun night. they like things the way they are I guess. Now if I let myself think maybe it’ll be different next time – well, I’m opening myself up for the inevitable disappointment. and to be honest my fragile ego can’t take much more.
god that all sounded so sad and self pitying.
lol, now that would be an odd writing project, huh?
Good to hear!
yup, forced you at gun point! you did a good job editing the video to cut me out in the background with that gun to your back!
You can indeed. If you click that orange button at the top of my page it will open up the subscribe options and it gives you the option to have it emailed to you.
ha ha ha, thanks. I think….
This post really spoke to me – I often feel the same way and am now really trying to take my Swedish up another notch so that I can start to feel more integrated with life here. I often wonder if it is worse in the Nordic region or whether all expats experience this from time to time – that feeling that you can meet people, get on with them famously but know that it will never go further than that, despite how much you wear your “Please be my friend as I am actually quite nice” face and try to wow them with your personality…
Of course! I used to be able to say ‘Hello, my name is Charlotte’ isnt it something like (spelt phonetically) ‘Moy om mim om nim om ni Charlotte’ my finnish friend at school tried to teach me…i may have not been listening properly tho lol
Its so interesting to read posts about people view themselves. I would NEVER have described you as wallpaper and its clear from the comments you have made lots of friends via your blog. I think blog friends are great as they see a side of you which you don’t normally have the chance to reveal in normal day to day life. This is a good thing. Some of us aren’t good at first impressions and the blogs allow us to deal with that.
Do you think some of how you are feeling is due to your being an expat? I’ve found it hard at times being the “new” person and think moving away from your comfort zone can aggravate feelings of isolation.
But please, don’t feel alone. You have all of us here who think you are simply marvellous!
MD xx
ps I need a girls night out, perhaps we should have a virtual one?
Thank you my dear. It is an expat thing, a not being able to speak to people properly feeling like I’m sitting at the side a lot of the time instead of being who I really am – if that makes any sense. However, i don’t feel like this all the time.
A night out does sound good.
I think a whole new side of your personality appears when you are an expat due to the uniqueness of the experience, differences in language and most importantly, difference cultures. Its interesting but at times you just want to be yourself and it was only when I left UK I realised how much of that was made up of being British. Funny, didn’t expect that but hey ho. Another expat surprise.