Rejection
My eyes widen as I read the words on my computer screen, chest expanding with red hot air that pushes against the insides, filling me.
I can’t get any air in or out.
I can’t breath.
The words run in front of my eyes again, over and over.
Rejection.
Rejection.
My ears roar as my eyes take them in again and again, searching for hidden meaning, for the acceptance, trying to change them.
They don’t want me.
The hot air in my chest begins to condense. Begins to turn into lead and drip slowly into the base of my stomach.
Drip.
Drip.
I feel sick.
This can’t be right, this isn’t right. I have to do something, change it, it isn’t fair.
My peripheral vision begins to blur as the screen becomes sharper, clearer, too sharp, the roaring getting louder.
Another uneven breath, ragged, catching.
I fight back the vomit and rest my trembling fingers on the keys, waiting for the rush of blood to pass, trying to think.
I need to write something, argue my case, make the bad news go away.
Change it.
Change it.
My fingers tap out a few words. Delete them. Tap again. Delete.
They don’t want me.
The lead in my stomach starts to bubble.
Fucking idiots.
Pressure fills my head like someone has an air hose going straight through my forehead. I can’t think. My brain is being squeezed smaller and smaller as more and more air is forced inside my skull.
They don’t want me.
They don’t like what I’ve done.
I’m useless.
My face begins to fill with water, I can feel it beneath the eyes, pooling, swelling.
The boiling lead and the pooling water fight for a moment, anger and self pity going head to head.
What the fuck is wrong with them?
What is wrong with me?
With a force that has me drawing in a sudden breath, the water gushes over, winning, drowning the boiling lead in a fizz of anguished steam in the pit of my stomach.
The vomit and the tears rise together.
They don’t want me.
Rejection.
Rejection.
Rejection.
It’s the next day now and I’m fine, c’est la vie, and all that. Well mostly. It still hurts but in a much smaller and easier to ignore way.
No matter how much I prepare myself for rejection, no matter how many times I experience it, it always hits me like this and always just as hard as if it were the first time.
Even when I know it’s coming I never seem to be able to prepare myself for it or get used to it.
How do you deal rejection?
How do you build your self confidence back up again afterwards?
How do you change it all into a positive?
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
ah yes, reminds me of trying to get served at the pub age 15.
Ask them why. Learn from it. Adapt, if necessary. Could be the wrong shoes. Find different shoes, ones that fit perfectly. Ask for help. Can I help? Don’t take it personally. It’s hard, even if it is personal. Think Chumbawumba ‘I get knocked down and I get up again’. Think Nietszche ‘That what does not kill you makes me stronger.’ Ultimately, perhaps your destiny lies elsewhere. But don’t stop believing in yourself. You have to believe to achieve chick!
It is really hard to deal with. Incredibly so. I find particularly so now I’m in this motherhood stage of life – I don’t put myself up for much (adult wise), so any rejection is magnified. I didn’t have a problem with it when I was career orientated, there was always another opportunity, they didn’t know what they were missing, I didn’t want it anyway. Now I hurt more. I don’t recover as easily.
But, when I look at what is important and what really matters, then I usually remember that in the greater scheme of things it really isn’t worth the upset and emotional energy.
Hope you feel better about it soon. x
Just time. You can’t please all of the people all of the time and a few days (or weeks) tends to take the sting out of things as I move on to something else.
I feel your pain!
My first rejection came after I’d gotten 10 of my romance novels accepted. It was the day before Christmas. My reactions was much like you described; I was hurt to the depths of my soul. Now, years later and much writing later, I have had so many rejections I could wall paper my office with them. It does get easier, really it does! And you do have to get used to it.
On a sweet note, I later sold the book to another publisher and received a much coveted award for it! Go figure.
It is such a subjective business, and what one agent or editor hates, another adores.
The hard part is not to take it personally and try to look at it in a more businesslike fashion, which is very hard to do, because it IS so personal. But in the business your work/creation is simply a product to be sold, not a piece of your soul.
Even the greatest writers/artists have had rejections, some a lot!
Take a deep breath and keep at it. You’ll get tougher!
Miss Footloose
http://www.lifeintheexpatlane.blogspot.com
Oh god. If they reject writers like you…. I am SCUH-REWED.
hey hun, get your arse on chat, we can make a few changes… actually do you need them at all?
I don’t cope with rejection at all well. I’ve had so much of it. My ms was rejected at least twice for a variety of reasons, and I haven’t edited and resubmitted (yet!), in my work life I get rejected pretty much every day I pitch for a project. I eat chocolate. I drink wine. I write and moan on my blog. I talk to my hubby and cry to my friends. Then I pick myself up and make some changes and try again.
love you lots! They’re morons! xx
How do I deal with rejection? Sounds like you’ve got my standard response down pat. Mostly I experience it when submitting work I have written to publishers. All you can do is ride it through, dust yourself off and send it off to the next one. Get straight back in the saddle.
it’s a tough one…It’s such a feeling when your head goes fuzzy and you don’t know which way to turn. For me my blood boils and my heart thumps. But like you, time heals. In a day or so a new perspective washes over you…Theres something better round the corner I kid myself!
Gosh, that’s a tough one. It’s like a physical blow I find. I’ll be reading the rest of the comments on here with interest. I suppose the only way to avoid rejection is to never put yourself out there, but then you could miss out on so many opportunities. It’s difficult, it can be heartbreaking in fact but I think it can be worth the risk.
That sucks, my dear. And if I knew how to deal with it, I would tell you. I try breathing, and remembering “You don’t know where your happiness lies.” They’re fuckers anyway, right?
I’m sorry Heather. I don’t know if rejection ever gets ‘easier’ per se, but you learn to move past it quicker. Just remember that for every rejection you get, acceptance will be that much sweeter.
Rejection – it’s a real ball ache.
As an artist it is something I have come to accept. It still stings, but I have come to realise that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.I went for a public art commission that I thought was “just me” last year, it was so perfect and I spent ages on my application. I didn’t even make the shortlist. I was gutted, cried, gave myself a day to wallow, then picked myself and got on with it. It doesn’t stop me from keeping on going and when you do get accepted for things it does restore your faith.
I am not the best one to answer this question, but I agree with Steve – get back in the saddle as soon as you can. And remember, it’s nothing personal. M x
I lost a Follower yesterday – don’t know who or why. Made me feel quite rejected too, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now I’m all better. Enough other things to think about and I’m delighted my other Followers are all here with me still.
I don’t deal well with it either. With jobs, I try to see it from the perspective of the process, how in the past I had to reject perfect people because there was only one post to fill but 5 fab candidates, with really different skills, but you have to make a decision, so it’s sometimes not rejection at all. Also sometimes an employer is looking for very specific experiences, and though you would be an asset, you’re not the perfect fit, again, it’s not proper rejection, so I can deal with that. I find personal rejection much harder, when friends suddenly clearly break away from me, or when in a group of people, I can see that I’m an add-on and nobody would miss me if I wasn’t there. That really gnaws at me and I have no way of dealing with it other than trying not to ponder about it too much. I never get physically sick but can get very emotional and very down, sometimes for weeks, depending on the situation.
My problem is that I don’t put myself out there, probably because I’m so afraid of rejection. The positive you can gather is that at least you’re brave enough, strong enough, believe in yourself enough to try. I don’t even try. (But I need to.)
It’s a horrible feeling, but unavoidable if you’re going to put yourself ‘out there’. I’d say there’s two things to think about that might help: Firstly remember that it’s not always about you….’they’ will have a strategy or agenda of sorts and you just might not fit with it right now, that doesn’t mean that it won’t work for someone else though. Secondly, I think it’s important not to build something up as the be all and end all…keep moving on, producing new stuff, then by the time you get a response (whatever the outcome) it won’t seem quite so important, or so crushing if it’s a rejection. And lastly, (because I lied, there are 3 things) remember how much you like what you do, think about the responses you are already getting that show you how talented and engaging you are (I’d chew my arm off to get the same!), because you are….don’t measure yourself by the bad stuff.
Pxx
Yep, I’m going through this as I have finally taken the plunge to try and find an agent. It is a horrible thing, and the only thought I can really console myself with is that even the greatest writers had trouble getting published. Hey ho.
I have recently been rejected, and it did knock me, so much so that I’ve sort of frozen a bit, however after thinking about it I’ve decided to have another go, I feel more determined now. I could understand everything you described xx
I’m quite cool with rejection, I have the attitude that if people don’t like me their loss. I don’t lose sleep over it that’s for sure.
I carry a positive attitude and firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and the fact I was rejected means that something even better is awaiting just round the corner.
ha ha, don’t worry, you didn’t offend. but yes, i was. i’m over it now though. Have picked myself up, looked for the positive and moved on.
thank you. I used it as an opportunity to reassess stuff – it was about my new website and it gave me the chance to look at the direction i wanted to go in and figure a few things out so it was helpful really.
I have noticed that as well, rejection just used to bounce off me, but these days it hurts so much deeper, last so much longer.
I feel fine now, i’ve taken it as a learning process and _i think it has helped my project, helped me clarify a few things and make a few changes that were needed, so it all worked out well in the end
So true. 24 hours later and it seems silly that i got so upset over it, it wasn’t a major thing, in the grand scheme of life it didn’t matter that much anyway.
I do hope i get tougher – i hate that head feeling. It’s so hard to deal with it at the time isn’t it? Even though you know you will fell better soon you still can’t keep the emotion under control.
oh thank you, that is very kind. It wan’t a writing rejection but something to do with my new website. I’m far too chicken top put myself out there for my writing – it’s too personal, I think i’ll feel like this times 10 when I get brave enough to start getting rejections for my writing.
Chocolate and wine, why didn’t I think of that last night? Thank you for all your help on this Vix, you have been amazing. i made some more changes today and got it straight in my head what direction i want it to go in – i’m feeling really good about it again.
thanks x
I am slowly working up the nerve to start sending some of my writing out, although am sure the rejection for my writing will hurt ten times worse than this did – this was a thing for my new website.
that new perspective is a wonderful thing, huh? I’m there now, I can see it was a positive thing I needed to happen to look at it from a different angle. It helped in the end.
When the other option is not putting yourself out there i guess all we can do is just keep trying and picking ourselves up. It’s hard at times though, huh?
ha ha, indeed! But that is very true, if one can adopt an ‘everything happens for a reason’ attitude then rejection isn’t really rejection at all. If only i could be more like that and less emotional about it all.
very true, and wise words. I’ll keeping telling myself that.
oh man, that must have hurt, a ball ache indeed! but yes, carrying on, getting back on the horse and all that, that’s what gets you through, i think.
Agreed. And i’m fine now, but at the time, boy does it hurt, huh?
I’m the same – mine go up and down all the time and I have to force myself to not over think it. If people don’t like my blog then should unfollow, that’s what it’s all about. i try not to worry about why and just assume that we aren’t compatible
I understand those feelings completely. Personal stuff can really bring you down. i find when it happens, that edge of the group thing, i tend to become that edge of the group person more, if you know what i mean. i let it define me and become a small and insignificant member. self defeating really.
Thank you. and if you need any encouragement or help, just say.
oh thank you, this was such a wonderful, uplifting comment. and I like the advice about keeping moving on, so that when the rejection comes you are already passed that point, not pining all your hopes on it. Very wise words.
x
You are braver than I going to find an agent. i wish you luck, lots of luck, and hope you don’t suffer through too many rejections xx
I get the same thing, the freezing. i loose all confidence in the project, want to pack it up and put it away, forget about it. and then later when i come back to it i wonder why on earth i did. I am pleased to hear you are picking it up again, giving it another go. If you need any help or a cheer leader, just shout x
Wow! i stand in awe of you. can you send me a bottle of some of that please? I am working towards this attitude. some days, on positive ones, I feel a little like this…right up until the point when the rejection comes and then it send me spiralling back down.
I’ll keep trying though, one day i too will have an attitude like yours.
oh, and if it makes you feel any better, I lost 16 subscribers yesterday.
I have to say I try and take Peabee’s attitude, but mainly singularly fail to do so. She’s right though, if you really want something you pretty much have to keep on going and accept that some people (total morons normally) will not agree with you. I’m guessing this was about writing? You are, as many have said, incredibly readable and engaging, witty and funny. Honestly. You are clearly achieving an awful lot here, and it’s only a matter of time before whomever it is that you want to be accepted by appreciates this. Rejection sucks. Really it does. I get very upset by it, For about 20 mins normally, then I move on as you seem to have done. Great post. Ironic really.
The words ‘No thank you’ can be absolutely devastating. Even when you have tried to put it out of your mind, it comes back & hits you.
You are a talented person (as well as writer). You only need to read the comments here. You know you will be there again, wiating to hear & it will hurt again, but not quite so much. Then when you are not thinking about it – it will be ‘Yes Please! Absolutely!’
My friend, the fact that you are brave enough to even try, to take the risk and put yourself out there, makes you an absolute hero to me.
I guess the hurt feelings, the disappointment, the anger and all the rest are a natural part of the process. My feeling is that perhaps part of learning how to be a writer is learning how to deal with all this stuff too. As you get better at pitching to publications, editing your work etc you’ll get better at dealing with this stuff too. But it’s not easy. It’s the thing that puts me off even trying.
You are doing great. Don’t let it knock you off track because I know the only way is up for you xx
thank you, it is so encouraging to read this. it wasn’t about writing but
about my new website, and I did let it knock my confidence, let it give me
those giving up feelings but not for long. After reading these comments,
how could I? Thank you.
‘no thank you’ and ‘sorry’ can be evil phrases. i would almost prefer it if
they said something rude, something that could make you hate them for it.
And you are right, it will come. I hope so at least
Thanks Josie, i did, i let it floor me. i had that moment of wanting to
give up, but i got passed it – with a lot of help from these comments and
i’m back up, better than before, wiser, stronger etc.
It’s amazing how much support you can get form all these people you’ve never
met, how much their opinions matter to me so much more than the people that
sent me the email.
Thank you x
Dust yourself down and try again. Go for it lady. It will make you stronger in the long run.
Sending your positive vibes your way.
Oh gosh you poor thing.
I just want to offer you this from my humble experiences.
In the end it all works out for the best. It really does. Try to view a rejection as a good thing. Maybe it gives you more drive, maybe it makes sure your novel goes to the right publisher who will get it out to the world in a better way. Maybe success is waiting until you are able to really handle it.
Who knows, all i do know if that you are fab and if you can manage the attitude that things in the end will turn out the best way they can you will feel a relief.
I know i am full of cliches, but when one door closes, i truly believe another opens.
HUGS!
Thank you. I did and it feel good. I’ve learned things from it and am back
up and running. It just knocks you off your feet for a bit, doesn’t it?
Thank you my dear xx I am learned from it and it has helped me redefine
where I want the project to go in the future. So, yeah, in the long run it
helped…
Rejection is tough, no doubt about that and it’s so hard not to let it totally screw up your confidence but you’ve just got to keep at something until you get what you want! Sage advice and wish I could live by it! I’ve just experienced some work rejection and I’m totally gutted…
If only we could follow our own advice, huh? sorry to hear about your work
- chin up, keeping going. you’ll get there!
It hurts like hell – I still feel pain from rejections of years gone by. My skin is far too thin for comfort. I sense you will bounce back from your painful moments though – perhaps the hurt is inevitable and must be endured. Ouch…
It does sting, but hopefully it will get easier in time…
Oh my lovely, I think they are dimwits whoever “they” are. You are smashing. I am terrible at rejection. Can’t handle it. At. All.
MD xx
I’m so happy to read in the comments that you’ve survived and gotten something positive out of this experience – and it’s also quite moving to see all the support you’ve gotten! You are amazing, so I hope you’ll get all the recognition and support you deserve!
So hard to deal with it, but we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t get upset about it right? Just dust yourself off and learn from it. Hugs.
I take a deep breath, and try and focus on the things I haven’t been rejected for. Then I count my blessings. Then I swear a lot and punch a pillow. The third stage always takes the longest. Bad luck, but there will be lots of reasons why it’s not ‘you’ this time (damn ‘em).
The sting of rejection is painful. I know with my search for an agent, and it took me some weeks to get over the hurt but I think we are only human after all so a little hurt and self indulgence is OK, then we have to brush ourselves down and start over (cue for a song!). I feel rejected if I don’t get many comments on my blog too – it’s no good being too sensitive though, so I just shrug and have a glass of wine or two!!! Hope your rejection has turned into more of a positive string to your bow now?
I am new to your blog but I guess you have been rejected for some aspect of writing? An agent? A publisher? I know that feeling so well, the hurt, the disappointment, it’s awful. But, all writers go through this. I have had two books published but countless forms of rejection in between. Please persevere. I never know whether to expect it, or on a more positive note be optimistic. But don’t give up. Even as we speak I am waiting for an old agent to read my new manuscript and am not sure she will want it. She;s had the manuscript for about six weeks. Awful. Gut wrenching.
It’s awful, isn’t it? but cest la vie, I guess if we can try to learn something from it each time it happens ten it’s not al bad. still stings like a bastard though.
oh thank you, it is amazing the amount of support you lovely people give me. Quite overwhelming really. how could anyone keep feeling shit about themselves when you are all so nice?
thanks babe. I did, am thoroughly dusted off and moving onwards and upwards. Actually i think it turned out to be a good thing in the end – made me re think a couple of things.
a good pillow punching session sorts most things out, I find.
it is a nasty sting, isn’t it? And can be so hard to get over some times. I think the comments thing is worse because it really does feel personal – but then i have to remind myself that people have other things to be doing in their lives and just because they are busy doesn’t mean i am worth less. At least I try anyway
These last two weeks for example I haven’t time to read any blog posts – am busy building a new website – but it doesn’t mean i dont think they are still great or that i wont be going back to reading when I get the time again.
Hi Kate and welcome! I hope you get an answer about your ms soon – the not knowing can sometimes be worse than a no, huh? it wasn’t about writing – it was about a new website I am starting. i am far too gutless to send my writing out, the rejection would be far too personal.
Believe it or not, even that first reaction, that rushing of your heart, that head feeling gets less and less severe. I hope you don’t have to get there, because it takes more rejections to get used to it, unfortunately. I wish you success, so keep at it!
And before you open another letter or e-mail message, take a few seconds to take a deep breath and brace yourself. And remember, even if the news is not good, you still have all the other good things in your life.
I don’t really deal with it these days because I haven’t put myself forward for anything for years, mainly as a premptive coping mechanism. HOWEVER I am about to start putting myself out there, so I’ll let you know. Surely it’s better to try and be rejected and learn from it than to never try at all? One day you won’t be rejected and the prize will be all the sweeter. Big hugs x
It wasn’t meant to be and there’s something better for me coming along. I just need to be patient and it’ll all fall into place.
Big hugs xxx
Ouch, sorry to hear. I can only speak from experince that I am pretty mellow about such things. But I am sure that is no help at all.
Good luck moving forward.
Oh my I empahtize! If i had a pound for every rejection I’ve ever had, I’d give Mr Gates a run for his money. Quite literally. If one more person tells me how many agencies/publishers turned JK down, I shall scream. But if you have to write, you have to write. To hell with the often disappointing consequences. Don’t give up.
very wise words. xx
you are right of course, it is much better – yo’ll never get anywhere if you
don’t try. It still stings though. good luck my love xxx
absolutely none, lol. But it is nice to hear that it’s possible.
there is nothing more frustrating than being told about
someone successful that got lots of rejections, i know exactly what you
mean!
Most of the time I try not to take it personally! Also say it is a rejection for a novel manuscript I am grateful if they give me crits so I can work on making my stuff better the next time.
I mostly take ideas and try and turn them into businesses and so rejection occurs 99% of the time. Sometimes the people doing the rejecting are right and sometimes they are indeed fucking idiots (guilty on both counts myself). It’s easy to say use it constructively but harder to do in practice. Usually, it just pisses me off which, if I really believe in the idea, it makes me try harder.
99% of the time? Eeek! I guess I’m going to have to get used to rejection,
and try to find positive things from it. Sometimes rather than try harder
though, it makes me just want to curl up under a rock and forget I ever had
the idea. Must train myself out of that.