Homeless
I sit staring at the sea of clothes in front of me, defeated, listless. I don’t want to go. I just want to bury myself in this pile of children’s trousers and t-shirts, cover myself over and lie down. Hide.
And so I sit, staring, unseeing. The bag next to me empty still.
Six days. That’s all the time I’ve got left. Six days and I need to have packed this bag. Organised so much. Achieved, sorted, be ready to go.
Six days.
I don’t want to go.
But I do. I really want to go. I want to see my family and my friends. I want to escape this snow and mud. I want to see bright lights, traffic, people, shops, bars, theatres. I want to experience the hustle and bustle, to stand on a crowded street and know that no-one sees me. To be jostled by a crowd, board a train, sit in a pub.
I want to escape.
I want to go home.
And yet here I sit. Not moving. Not propelling forwards. There is no eager anticipation. No bags packed weeks before waiting by the door. I can not organise the thoughts in my head, plan, decide.
Simple tasks, I need a UK sim card for my phone, I can not complete.
Simple things, I need to organise a night out with friends, I can not do.
I can’t do them because I don’t know the system any more. I don’t know how things work. I don’t even understand the God damn bar opening hours or how the internet on mobile phones works over there. I don’t know if my bank card will work or if I need to take cash. If I need to get a European Health Insurance Card for my kids even though they are half British. I don’t understand so much, haven’t got the knowledge you aquire by osmosis when you live there.
How can I go home when it’s not my home any more?
It’s a strange land.
I don’t want to visit a strange land, I live in one of those. I just want to go home.
A writing workshop post, using prompt #5 Pick an emotion that best represents your state of mind right now and write creatively on that theme. - Inspired by Josie’s musings on blogging and emotional authenticity last week.
Don’t know what the Writing Workshop is? Then click here for more info.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland... only less snowy and stuff.
Are you me in disguise, I've only got 3 days, and I've planned nowt, packed nothing and I can't find my english SIM card anywhere!
Bless you love. I think if your kids are with you and with memories warrming you this will always feel like home. You can have two homes…that's allowed
It's a nightmare isn't it? I want to go, really I do and yet i find myself doing al sorts of crazy things instead of getting on with the packing and sorting. I cleaned the oven yesterday for Gods sake! The oven I've been putting off cleaning for weeks. I should have been sorting through clothes for the kids.
*smacks self up side of head*
I just can't focus on it. Oh, and you SIM card is either in your knicker draw with your passport or 'safely' stored in the zip compartment of your suitcase so you wont forget it.
I know, i know. It will be brilliant. Really. I just…I dunno, i just can't get my head into gear.
*Hugs*
thank you. I'm feeling much brighter for writing this all down. Just a bit overwhelmed by it all I think.
My heart goes out to you and I don't want to offer you platitudes but I think you'll be amazed at how much comes back to you and how quickly you pick it all up again. And I also think you'll have a truly amazing time.
I used to feel a little like this when we lived down south about going back north – I know nothing as major as a different country, but it was the terrible anticipation. I left everything till last minute, but you know one I got there I didnt want to leave!
The expat feeling – described so well.
Yep – I always feel like this when I'm 'going back'. I do get everything organised in advance very efficiently, because that drowns the worry. (except: how do you get a sim card from abroad???) But when it comes to packing, I simply can't. I get cold sweats. How can I remove my family, my life, for two weeks, a month, six weeks even, to take them somewhere that is no longer my home and never was theirs, but that people will expect us to look upon as our home. So what I do is I dump everything we want to take on our bed. Then my husband puts it all in cases. He's great that way.
I hope that once you get here you'll quickly feel comfortable, after all it's meant to be a holiday! x
Are you going to vote whilst you're here
Make a list. A PROPER LIST!!! Tick stuff off. That gives you a great sense of achievement.
I have spare UK sim cards but by the time I've sent them to you, you'd be over here. Any suggestions?
Oh I'm usually quite bad. I end up still packing at midnight the day before. I make lists loads of them only to change them a million times. I always end up taking way too much, just in case. You will get it done eventually, you will get there and you will enjoy it. X
Although I haven't made the long journey 'home' yet I can imagine I will feel exactly as you do right now. It's because you realise all of a sudden that the home of your memories no longer exists. On the upside when you return to your bloke and Finland you'll realise how far you've come in your journey of making that 'home'. For the suitcase packing… I've heard people recommending this site – http://dontforgetyourtoothbrush.com/ but I haven't used it yet. I hate packing. I tend to throw everything in last minute. Big hugs, we'll help you get your city-mojo back hun! xx
How intimidating! I hope you make some headway. You've still got… what, 5 days left? You'll be fine. I'm sure of it
*putting down the cheerleading pom-poms now before I overdo it*
Heather babe I know exactly how you feel! Except I feel it for the US. Feel like an alien in my “own” country. And then not really being English either so sometimes you wonder “where do I belong”? You'll have a great time once you get here though. Then you won't want to leave. And nothing's changed here that much despite what the politicians are saying….!
*hug* It never occurred to me that moving abroad would bring these feelings when going “home”. Thank you for helping me see things a little more from my OH's point of view. As usual you have explained your feelings beautifully.
Try to focus on the positives of seeing family and friends, familiar places, that kind of thing. When it comes to SIM's and bank cards and things, ask! There's no need to panic and put so much pressure on yourself to do everything, there's loads of people who will have all the information you need, no doubt many of them will comment on this post. No doubt they also have far better advice than I do!
I'm sure it will all come together on time and you will have a fabulous time over here!
It must be a strange feeling. I hope that when you get here all the strange 'inbetween' not feeling quite connected feelings will over taken by the love of your friends and your family and all the fun you will have. Within ten minutes it will feel familiar again, I bet you. And probably when it's time to come home you;ll have all these feelings in reverse.
It's going to be fab honey. Hang in there xxx
Flipping heck, Disqus ate my comment the bugger!
Anyway, what I was saying was that your post struck a chord. I remember that feeling of “home” no longer feeling like “home”. Friends & family feel insulted when you say it but really, it's hard to explain or understand unless you've lived it. You know once you arrive almost everything will be exactly as you left it and for me, that helped deal with the crap which had changed and upgraded in my absence. Oh, and lack of interest in your life away from UK from the people who you assume will care, yeah that one can be relied upon for every visit.
MD xx
PS If it helps, I never packed with anything less than 24 hours, sometimes 12 hours before the flight. Leaving UK. Mmm, was always packed up about 3 days in advance. What does that say for my home visits?
So you're coming over here then? You'll have a wonderful time; I guess it takes a lot of organising, especially with children too, but it will be worth it. How long are staying for?
CJ xx
Wow – I was talking about this with Nic from Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em yesterday. I have been in the States 20 years and if someone told me tomorrow that we were going to live back in England I would have to admit to some anxiety. Would people think I sounded American? (They usually don't.) What if it doesn't live up to my rose-tinted memories? After all we only come in the summer; my 6 year old thinks England's always hot!
Very deep this topic.
Ha ha, we don't fly back 'home' to the US until the end of June and I've already started stressing about what we should take, etc. . . of course nothing will actually go in the suitcases until a couple days before we leave I'm sure!
I am uptight from just thinking about this!
Oh dear, I know it seems overwhelming right now, but you will have a fabulous time.
I'd second Nickie's suggestion of making a list then ticking things off one by one – you'll soon have everything done. I know sometimes these things seem insurmountable but keep your chin up lovely x
Yep, you need an E111 card for all of you. It's really exciting, but a big undertaking too, hope you get your head around it
Jen
Awww honey. I remember having that feeling and I hadn't even left the country, just moved to a different province – course a different province here is like a different country there.
Wolfe said it best “You can't go home again.” Once you've left it's no longer home. And if where you are isn't home either than you end up inhabiting a liminal sphere, half here, half there.
It'll all be fine once you get there. I promise. It's even better than going home, because it's a vacation with the bonus of friends and family!
Not sure what to say that might help that hasn't already been said. That's the good thing about being late to comment, you don't have to be clever. But, (((hugs))), hope you get it sorted.
Oh, and I bloody wish I could come and meet you. Are you sure you don't fancy Croydon?
it must feel really weird for you as an ex pat I guess – I've always lived in the North or England, even at uni here, so I can't empathise but can sympathise!! Hope you have a great time and get your city legs back – how will you walk without snow boots?!
I understand. I've no idea what's going on in England any more. It's, dare I say, “foreign” to me now…. You'll get there…
Thank you Steve, I'm sure it will, I'm feeling more more positive and focused today. all the better for having got this out of my system.
It doesn't matter whether you moved a couple of towns or a couple of countries away I guess, it's still daunting at times going back.
Thanks you. Although I'm feeling much more positive about it all today.
Could you send him round here?
I'm sure it will all be super once I get there. just got to get there first lol
Thanks Nickie, I have made a list and got myself more organised and am feeling good again. Thank you very much for the sim card offer – I've just ordered one of the internet – should be arriving at my mums house in a couple of days so all ready for me when i arrive. How lovely of you to offer though. Mwah! xx
I know, i know, iot'll be super when i get there. Just getting over that first packing hump that's the hard bit I guess.
I'm feeling much better and more organised today. Can't wait to meet you xxxxxxxx
Oh I like those pom poms, where did you get them from, I've been looking for a pair in that colour? Feeling much better today -ready to deal with it all
Thanks Heather (it always feels strange to write that, I've always been the only Heather I've known all through my life until recently) I know I'll have the best time. Once I get this bloody packing done.
Ahh, I do hope I helped
It's hard to understand it from the other side I guess. you're right, ask, I will, I did. Feeling much better today xx
You're right, I probably will have them all again in reverse. I shall try not to bore you with them all
he he he. Thanks babe. Here's hoping we get to meet up too xx
I left home to join the RAF when I was 17. I went away and was having the best time, so much excitement and new things, I was stunned when I went home to visit that no-one was really interested in it, they just wanted me to slot back in and life to go on as normal. It was a hard lesson at the time but I've gotten used to it over the years. i may even have been guilty of it myself when my sister went travelling for a year.
Yeah, it'll be worth it. i'll be in the UK for 4 weeks. x
It's weird isn't it, because it's home and yet its not home any more. It makes you ask all sorts of annoying questions, like 'do I have a home' and things like that.
I've been really looking forward to it but totally had my head in the sand about the organising and packing etc.
Do you get back 'home' often?
I will, i will. In fact, just writing it all down has helped no end. I've got lists and everything now. no actual clothes sorted, but lists
I found out that E111 forms are now obsolete. you need a European Health Insurance Card these days, sigh. Which of course I've left too late to order so the husband is going to have to post it to us when they arrive here.
I know, it'll be fine, super, brilliant even. If I could just get someone else to come in and sort these bags out…
Thank you my love. It's nice not having to be clever eh? lol
Are you sure you dont want to come to Reading for the night? Or Cleethorpes for a few days?
Good point, i'm going to feel all light and floaty without a pair of snow boots to weigh me down!
I will, thank you. It is all a bit 'foreign' isn't it? Funny, because I wouldn't feel this worry about it if I were going to some other country for a real holiday, it must be some self imposed thing because it's supposed to be 'home'.
I'd love to, sadly schedules and children…….
Don't consider my parents house home-haven't really truly lived there more than intermittently since I was 16. Got married at 19. Lived here since 21. So guess here is home.
I do enjoy going to the states to shop and see my sisters though.
Sounds like writing it all down helped (it always helps me!). I hope your trip is wonderful and that everything slots into place!