Do You Have A Favourite?
By Dara from Readily A Parent
Okay, truth-telling time. Heather’s blog and readers are now my confessional. I’m not looking for absolution . . . okay, maybe a little.
What I’m really looking for is identification. I’m sure I can’t be the ONLY one that feels this way.
But then again, maybe I am, as I haven’t come across any other bloggers admitting it. Nor have I read about it.
You know how a few times a year your favourite parenting magazine will have an article on favouritism? Your kids like Daddy more than Mommy, or thinks only Mommy can put her to bed.
Why don’t they ever have articles on – you know – the OTHER favouritism?
Do you get my drift or do I have to spell it out?
Really? Well, alright . . . why does no one talk about parents having favourite children?
Am I the only one? Please God no.
Cause I do. I have a favourite. There, I’ve said it. Oh so relieved now – not really.
This is a post I would only write as a guest post as I would never want my kids to go back and read it one day. I know how hurtful it is to know your parents have a favourite and know that you’re not it. My mother has made it clear that although I’m her “baby,” I’m not her favourite.
My favourite is the baby. No, I don’t love him more than the other two. But I do like him more. He’s much more enjoyable to be around and I feel more at ease in his company.
My first two were what they call “high needs” babies. Have you read about Josie’s Kai?
Well that’s my first two. My eldest especially, though my daughter, the middle child has “high” needs all of her own. Like she thinks she’s a Royal Highness. She’s a royal something but it begins with pain and ends with ass.
To tell you the truth, my eldest is really unenjoyable to spend time with. He’s very temperamental and self-absorbed. The girl is very clingy and needy. You can see that it’s not always Happy Happy Joy Joy Family in our house.
But the baby is my sweet ray of sunshine. He’s now 20 months, outgrowing “baby” and growing into toddler. He’s happy almost all the time. Not for him is the 6 hours a night of crying. Nor is he into spending entire days in a sling attached to Mommy and screaming everytime he’s put down.
No, he toddles about happily, playing with whatever strikes his fancy and only getting upset if he doesn’t know where I am or if I refuse him some chocolate (he’s a chocaholic already). Today his favourite toy was a potato he pulled out of the kitchen cupboards.
He gets into mischief, for sure, but not the deliberate kind of relentless pokiness the other two engaged in. He’ll pull 10-20 books out of the bookshelf, not the entire lot of them. And he always puts them back when asked.
He smiles all the time. Seriously, he smiles in his sleep.
I look at him and I think “now this is what everyone else has! All those parents who talk about what a wonder and a joy their children are. They have this type”
So is it any wonder he’s my favourite?
I don’t think I show favouritism: beyond him being the baby and therefore getting priority when he’s nursing or needs his bum changed, I don’t ignore the other two for him.
But how can I know for sure? I’m sure I smile more when he’s around. Do you think the older two notice that?
And what am I to do if I’m the only parent who has a favourite? Is it horrible, disgustingly, wretchedly wrong or can you understand?
Do you? You know, do you have a favourite?
And can we stop whispering now? The kids aren’t listening; they’re too busy yelling at each other.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
I totally get the point of loving them all the same but liking one's personality more than another one.
I also find that over the years, sometimes things do change and shift as to which one you like more at any given point.
Great post and one I'm sure that many parents will identify with. I bet most families have one child that is much harder work than another. I'll have to wait until number 2 comes along to be able to say for sure if I prefer one child over another.
I totally understand your point. I don't have a 'favourite' in terms of personality as one of my girls is 7 and the other one turns 1 soon. So the baby's personality is pretty much still to come through fully!
No, they are all far too different to compare to each other in any hierarchy of preference. What I do like is spending time with each of my teenagers on their own, since together they are a walking talking 2 headed nightmare… well they are when the 4yo is around, if he's not there demanding everything and winding them up I'd probably have a good time with my two teenagers together. Time on my own with the 4yo brings its own joys…. but he and his 13yo brother are like a quantum experiment gone wrong – they cannot share the same space at the same time without fighting. My 15yo daughter blows hot and cold, sometimes she's a joy sometimes a strop – but that's 15 for you. My 4yo is lovely in the morning.
All these feelings are MINE though, it's how my kids affect me, make me feel, it's got nothing to do with them, there's nothing innate about them that makes me enjoy being a Mum one day and want to walk into the first oncoming train the next.
Do you know what, I'm scared of this happening. What if the next one is the dream baby? No colic, no endless tears and rage and difficulties at every turn. What if they sleep? And smile?
I'm terrified I will prefer them. As much as I love Kai (and love that you thought of him, thank you), at the moment he's all I have and there is no comparison.
What if that changes next time round?
Love your honesty, as always. Thank you x
Mine are favourites in different ways – as different as the children are individual. Oldest boy is a friend/someone I can joke with, talk about politics, people, anything with and will get a good moral view and youngest boy's personality is still developing but he is the one I would ask if I wasn't sure what to wear, he has a good eye for colour, also his childish black and white view on the world makes the answer to some of my more mundane worries in life refreshingly simple and sometimes surprisingly obvious!
I was always scared of discovering I had a favourite out of my three, but I can truthfully say that I do not. They all have their enjoyable character traits, as well as their not-so-enjoyable ones. They are far too different to really compare.
I definately find two of mine are easier to be around than the other. I have a wildchild. She is hard work, though not high needs as her brother was as a little dude. My baby is probably the easiest child of the three, more sociable less manipulative… and yet I have strong bonds with them all. Sometimes all that hard stuff is parenting makes those bonds good and tight!
I think that favouritism is one of the last taboos of parenthood, one of the last unsayable things. Well done for bringing this up, I actually had half an idea for a similar post myself.
I love all my children. But I do not always like them all equally. We all prefer some personalities to others. For me too it is my youngest who is the absolute light of my life. What can you do except try your damndest not to show it and make sure that they all get equal amounts of your quality time?
I have four kids and my youngest is definitely my baby. I always knew she was going to be my last so I cherished every minute of her growing up. I think with the others I was more rushed to get them up and out so I could get on with the next one! My other three always moan about how she is my favourite. I don't really analyse because I don't think it's true. But reading this makes me wonder. We have an incredible capacity to love, it amazes me sometimes, and there is so much to go round. Does it really hurt to have a little bit more for one as long as the love for the other's is strong? My youngest is also good natured and very self-sufficient. I sometimes think she gets lost in the choas of the others so maybe I go out of my way to show her extra affection so she doesn't get lost. I think Susie is right too our relationship changes with them over the years as their personalities and needs change. Although I am sure little E will always be my baby (for better or worse!).
Interesting post, but I don't have a favorite. I love the boys equally, but uniquely. I don't love the same thing in both of them and I don't love all the things all the time. They are both individuals, a composite of me and MadDad and my frustration is often when I see the bits of me that I don't like in them!
This is one advantage to only having one!
My mum assures me that often your favourites change over time, and you have times where one is less work / more easy to have around and then it swaps and others have their turn. I'm fairly sure it's natural, even if it is taboo.
I have thought about this one, hard, before commenting. I absolutely love all my children and I don't believe I have a favourite. They are all so different, you see. My 8 year old is, well, he is 8. My 2.5 year old son has autism and my 15 month old daughter is a girl. Their needs, abilities and behaviours are all so different, given our circumstances, that it is impossible for me to favour the personality/behaviour of one over the other. My 8 year old is funny, but is also the biggest drama queen you ever met. My toddler is very gentle and can't talk yet. My daughter is full of mischief but very even tempered. They all drive me nuts at different times, but they all give me immense pleasure too, and this could all be in the same hour!!! I would certainly be more protective of my speciall needs toddler than I am of the others, that might be a form of favouritism? For sure my daugher was the favourite baby as both boys had raging 24 hour colic and she didn't!! (Josie, I feel for you, I know the exhaustion well). Jen.
Very interesting. I have only seen one article about this (I think it was in The Guardian) and I did feel sorry for the kid who was not the favourite reading it so well done on posting it here. Having said that, it's a shame we can't be more open about this taboo. To be perfectly, perfectly honest I don't have a favourite. My two are so different – a boy of 10 and a girl of 2. What unites them is their sunny temperament (sorry – honestly nothing I've done, they just came out like that). The boy never ever threw a tantrum and although the girl is beginning to, she is still pretty easy going.
I know what it's like to NOT be the favourite. My elder sister who died was the absolute apple of my stepgrandmother's eye. First born, named party after her, blah, blah. She actually told me to my face it should have been me. No lie.
Yeah I completely expect my “favourite” to change over time. A lot of the things that make H such a frustrating child are going to make him a very interesting adult.
Although, my Mom always had the same favourite. It has never changed.
Until I had the third I would have never said I had a favourite. It's just that our older two are sooooo difficult and his personality is such a breath of fresh air.
I think maybe when their ages are so far apart perhaps you don't compare them as much either. I have three born within four years, so I'm bound to compare them.
Perhaps if I got to spend time on my own with them I could enjoy them each more. They do fight. One is very provoking and the other is very sensitive, so they're always at each other.
My eldest, though, loves to provoke anyone, especially me, and especially when bored. He has said horrible things to me just because I've told him he can't go to the store and buy candy.
It's not really a hierarchy. It's just that there's two difficult children and one sunshiney child. So the sunshiney child is more enjoyable. Plus he's also the baby and he's the one with the genetic disorder that will cause him pain and could cause him death. So . . . .
I don't know Josie. I got two high needs before I got the one sunshine child. Perhaps the next one will be the same (what's worse to contemplate?!)
I felt the same with H. He was perfect, all babies cried from 5pm-1am. All babies needed to be held and comfroted constantly. All two year olds kicked their mother's pregnant belly until it was bruised and blue.
It wasn't until my sister-in-law had a child at the same time I had my second that I saw the real difference in my children. He was her third and was her sunshine child too.
But it's not like I love the others any less. And I don't avoid them or treat them differently. But, yes, spending time with the youngest is more enjoyable. That's all.
Yes, I think as they get older I'll discover more ways in which they can each be a favourite in a different way. I know my eldest is going to be amazing to talk with as he's very passionate and very creative. My middle child loves doing crafts with me and when she's a bit older maybe we can work on projects together. I wonder how much of this is driven by my real fear that perhaps my youngest won't be around as long as the older two and I need to appreciate every little bit of him as much as I can now.
Perhaps it's because my two oldest are so alike in being very demanding and my youngest is very much the opposite. There are natural lines of division and they might be easier to compare than other children.
Yeah, it's not the “bond.” Strangely enough if asked to pinpoint I'd say I have the strongest bond with the oldest, most difficult child. We've had an almost psychic bond since he was born. The middle child is permanently glued to my side. Seriously, she's practically sitting on the laptop right now, even though supposedly she's playing with her dolls. It's just that the baby is so much less demanding and easy to spend time with. But now you've got me wondering if I actually have the weakest bond with him!
Exactly! Thanks Gappy. It's funny because the opposite – children liking one parent more – is so accepted and not questioned at all. I know that I've always preferred my father because my mother and I butt heads endlessly. However it's not like I love my mother any less and had they ever seperated or divorced I would not have been able to easily chose whom to live with. In some ways my mother and I, because our love has withstood the constant battling, perhaps have a stronger bond.
And just now I'm realising it's much like that with my children.
I do wonder how much of it is because I can really appreicate him now at this this age. There's no younger baby coming up behind him looking for my attention; we're not moving or changing jobs like we did with the older two . . .
It's not about love though. Just enjoyability. I wonder how much of it is due to the ADHD and/or mood disorder in our oldest and the extreme sensitivity of our daughter. They're not really “normal” children!
Yes, perhaps some of this feeling comes from the fact that he's the one with the genetic disorder and needs more care.
That's just nasty. Although I had a great-grandmother that was very forthcoming in her favouritism too. I can remember visiting her and she'd give my brother (also my mother's favourite) a $20 bill and my other brother and I would get $5 bills.
But then again, my great-aunt only ever invited me to come visit.
Funny, I think favouritism is more accepted in extended family than in parents. Not that it's really favourtism in that I treat them differently, though.
It must be very hard competing with a dead sister. It's one of the things I worry about with our youngest having his disorder. If he does die before the others I hope I can get past it enough to still be a parent to them. It's a big if, though. I mean we do think about him dying in childhood because it is a possibility, but only a possibility, not a certainty
I think it's understandable, you get on with some people better than others and I think it's important to remember that children are people; they all have their own interests and personalities.
That is the extent of my thoughts on the matter!
It's human nature. I'm the same. Love my two boys but the toddler… he's so lovely I could eat him. If he has a tantrum it lasts for 10 minutes and then it's done whereas the older boy will stomp and scowl and ruin the entire day. The little one I could spend all day with but the older… on a bad day, one hour is too much. And I feel guilty and try and change it but I can't. I think as you say it's a personality thing. Some clash and grate while others excite and soothe. Nowt so queer as folk.
Exactly. Some people are more aggravating than others. They're all just very
lucky they're so cute!
One hour! There's times even a minute is too much with my eldest! That said
he is very bright and very creative and when he's older I'll probably get
quite the kick out of how he questions authority so much.
It has nothing to do with love, though, does it? I mean that age-old
question “if they were all drowning which one would you save?” is still
unanswerable.
I don't have a favorite as such, but I love both my children in very different ways. They are both totally different which I guess with a ten year age gap between them is to be expected, but even as babies their needs and ways were so different. I am much closer to my little man than I ever was with my daughter, but I think that is just because he has needed me much more than she ever did.
Have to admit I thought I was the only one! But my choice changes depending on the situation and mainly because H is still young enough to do as I want rather than voice her own opinion!!! But I am so glad that others experience the favourite thing too!
I think it is quite normal to feel it, but advisable not to show it if at all possible! My littlest one is also a true pleasure, my oldest much more high needs,
As a child who was not her mums favourite I can tell you that it hurts, especially when its obvious, but my mum did it the wrong way, she treated us differently and only really took and interest in my brother. It is ok to have a fav, I can understand that but its when that favouritism makes the child feel unloved that you have to start to worry.
I don't even speak to my mum anymore…and the worst thing is she doesn't even seem to care, I beg you for your childs sake, take a day for each of them to do something with them and appreciate them for who they are….its all very well when your the favoured child but for the one who doesn't get that special smile from mummy that your sibling gets, I have to honestly say it rips your heart out.
I agree with you! It is much harder to manage a family with only 1 child since you need to give time to your one and only child.