Always Listen To Your Trolley
‘Oh, for fucks sake.’ I wrenched my shopping trolley back in front of me, the tell tale empty glass bottles chinking together in their plastic bags as I tried to manoeuvre it from my car across the car park and into the supermarket.
I always manage to get the trolley with the dodgy wheel that veers off into oncoming traffic or tries to mow down innocent old ladies.
I looked up, there was just such an old lady standing by the supermarket doors. I took a tight hold of my trolley and willed it not to try to pin her to the ground. We got closer but she still didn’t move. I could feel the wonky wheel working up to something.
‘Come on old woman’ I said in English as I got nearer and she was still in the way -you can do things like that when you live in a foreign country and no-one under the age of 60 understands you. She was standing with her trolley outside the sliding doors. Just standing there, the doors opening and closing in front of her.
‘Get out of the way!’ I muttered through gritted teeth, my fingers turning white trying to hold the trolley steady as I rumbled closer – I was in a patient and forgiving mood, as you can tell.
I watched her as she stood there, looking at the doors sliding closed once more in front of her trolley, her shoulders slumped.
‘Oh God.’ I stopped the trolley and gave it a hard stare that said – you kill any innocent bystanders and you’re on your own- and stepped forwards, unsure. Had she lost it, forgotten where she was or what doors were for? Was she lost? Was she asleep?
‘Excuse me?’ I said in my best Finnish. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Mutter chunner something blurgh’ she sprayed turning to face me, bits of spittle covering my top.
‘Erm, sorry?’
‘Mutter chunner something blurgh’ she said again as I took a step back and wiped at my face.
She gave me a look of exasperation and yanked at her trolley, muttering something indecipherable and looking expectantly at me.
Ah, one of the wheels had spun round and got stuck in the metal grate thingy (technical term) and she was stuck. I lifted the trolley up at the front and pulled it forward and then stepped aside and gesturing her inside with a smile.
‘Mutter chunner something blurgh’ she sprayed again and pushed her trolley right over my be-flipflopped foot.
‘Owww, you mother mutter chunner something blurgh’ I squeaked, wincing in pain and hoping on one foot as other customers pushed past me, not able to wait for me to go back and get my trolley.
‘Fuckers!’
One guy turned around and gave me a hard stare.
I ducked my head and scurried off. Guess he speaks English, then.
I got my trolley and pushed it inside, the empties I was bringing back clinking inside the plastic bags. We have wonderful system here in Finland where you take your empty pop and beer bottles and cans back to the shop, feed them into a machine and get some money back for them. I know the price goes on the cost of the bottle or can when you buy it but it still makes me feel good to get money for ‘nothing’.
There was someone at the machine when I got there. ‘Oh jeez’, it was her. ’How long is this going to take?’ I looked down at her trolley and gasped. From here to eternity by the looks of things! Quite how I’d missed this earlier when helping her at the door, I don’t know, but she had two black bin liners full to bursting with recycling.
I blinked, my mouth hanging open.
She finished fiddling with the buttons on the front of the machine and started, excruciatingly slowly, to feed her empty beer tins into the machine. Seriously? Those two bin linners are full of beer tins? I looked down at my two carrier bags full. About 1 minutes worth of machine time.
Surely she’ll let me go first if she see’s I’ve only got these two bags? I did help her at the door after all.
I coughed loudly.
She ignored me
I coughed again.
Nothing.
‘Excuse me?’ I said in Finnish and tapped her on the shoulder. ‘I’ve only got two bags’ I picked them up and waved them at her. ‘Do you mind if I, erm…’ I gestured at the machine and waved my bags again smiling hopefully.
‘Gnaeeeerrrrr’ she started hacking and coughing, not taking her eyes off me.
‘I, erm, I’ve only got the two bags and I…’
‘Hoeourgggghh’ she coughed up a flem ball and held it in her mouth still staring me dead in the eye.
I shrank back putting myself behind my trolley and she spat it on the floor and gave me a look of contempt before turning back and resuming her slow posting or beer tins through the machines opening.
‘Okay, you just go right ahead, I’m in no rush anyway.’ I muttered in English, staring at the globule of green slime shimmering on the supermarket floor as I vowed never again to stop a wayward trolley from running someone over.
I'm Heather, an expat Brit living in Kuusamo, northern Finland.
This story also proves that if you need to quickly identify English speakers in a crowd – just swear very loudly in English and see who reacts.
Sorry but I'm laughing. Thank you for the smile xx
Ha ha ha, What a disgusting old lady!
I've experienced the same here in Sweden. People go to the bottle machines with at least one or two large (rubbish) bags of empty bottles. You are lucky if there are two machines. Otherwise you stand there forever because somehow they don't figure to just stop for a second and let you put the few bottles you are holding into the machine. Why is that? Is it the thing that they've come first and that's it? Is it because people are never in a hurry up north? It's weird isn't it. Either you will have to ask them nicely if you may go ahead or you just go shopping first and before you leave the shop you maybe lucky that they've finished by then.
There are times when old people generally I feel just need mowing down – wayward trolleys, pushchairs – sometimes, and I do mean sometimes – they deserve all they get! I once witnessed an old man on a mobility scooter going mental at some poor girl for not moving out of his way – the reason? He'd stopped his blummin' scooter on her foot!!! She was physically pinned to the floor!
It's hard to hold on to the do as to others as you would have done to yourself when all around you're surrounded by miserable gits who only look after numero uno! Jaded, moi?
That old lady was obviously off her trolley.
Don't think for a moment that anyone could speak English. Fuck is a international word for fecks sake! And sometimes it is the perfect adjective? for the moment. Mow that feckin' granny down next time you see her or at least gob on here. Did I really say that out loud?
This just reinstates my inability to even read words like “gob” and “flegm ball” without feeling the need to gag. Can't handle it! If that were me, she might very well have found my vomit on her. And it would've served her right, by the sounds
Lovely people you've got out there!
Uck. Remind me never to shop while I visit Finland, instead to have a Finnish person do it. Also, from what I understand, even the Finns who can't speak English or very little of it understand and are used to the word “fuck” and variations of it. As I understand it from my reading and occasional Finnish person chat(which is rare since I only know one and not very well) Finns actually have worked that word into their own language and use it.
ha ha ha, although to be fair, Fuck is fairly international these days.
Any time my dear, any time
I know! I think if I ever see her again I'll be heading in the opposite direction!
It's annoying isn't it? but I do love these machines and the way you don't see empty pop bottles and proken glass at the sides of the road here because they are worth money!
There are definitely a few that use their oldness as a weapon cause you daren't speak out against old people. Fuckers!
Clearly!
At the very least she deserves a trolley over the foot! miserable old bag! and yeah, you're right, Fuck is pretty international, huh?
Yeah, I was getting a bit that way myself!
This isn't, thankfully, representative of the country as a whole. Most are lovely and don't spit on you or anything. lol
It is true, most Finns understand English swear words, especially Fuck, which i think is fairly international these days, it just kinda made me feel a bit sheepish, you know? lol
Thanks for that laugh!
you're welcome love x