Do You Cry In Front of People?
I don’t. It makes me uncomfortable and as though I am being overly dramatic.
Yes, some of it is no doubt to do with feeling vulnerable and exposed but the thing that makes me feel uncomfortable the most are other people’s reactions.
The sympathetic look, that look of pity that will be shot at you for hours, if not days afterwards, makes my stomach curdle. It riles me, makes me grit my teeth and want to but on a happy face just to stop being on the end of that. I hate being the object of pity, because you know that with it, as well as the toe curling looks that make you feel like they are looking down upon you as their inferior, that you are destined to be the subject of ‘concerned’ gossip.
The prying questions, usually these come hand in hand with the sympathetic look. On the outside they seem well meaning, clucking and giving you that look, but prying questions usually come from someone outside your circle of trust, someone that you don’t really want to talk to about it and who will then, no doubt, be part of the ‘concerned’ gossip.
The prying questions put me on edge, raise my guard as I try to censor what I say, always thinking about how it may sound when they repeat it later, how it may be misinterpreted by room full of gossip hungry women.
The Fixers. These are the people that try to make it all better. Throwing a barrage of ‘useful’ information and thoughts at you. These people are usually well meaning and genuinely want to help but damn it, they are annoying! Seriously, what is wrong with these people? I have a brain, I’m perfectly capable of using it, but sometimes you need to get over the upset first, cry it all out before you are ready to start thinking of solutions.
But all these pale in comparison to the worst ones, the ones that have you running for the hills.
The people that try to cheer you up. Usually the most well meaning of people, genuine friends who really want to help. But fuck me, they make me want to punch them in the face sometimes. Why will they not just let you cry and be upset for a bit? Why are they forever trying to stem the tears, make you smile, feel daft for crying in the first place?
Instead of letting it all out you end up wiping the tears and plastering on a fake smile, going through the motions of being happy, normal, when all you really want is to curl up and cry, let it all out not bottle it up and choke it down with a smile.
It’s a rare person that will just let you cry without trying to do any more than just be there, you ever notice that?
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
I hate, hate, hate to cry in front of others. I don't like the vulnerable feeling and the stupid questions. Why can't people just let you cry?
I rarely cry in front of other people. Funerals only. At home, in front of the wife, it's a little easier but mostly I need total privacy and – here's the thing – I always feel better afterwards.
there is nothing more cathartic, i feel, than a good cry. but yes, like you
I need privacy.
I have not cried in years and years. I do remember how much better I use to feel after a good bawl, but these days, if I do get the urge I sort of hang on till I'm in the 'right' place, but I never quite get there.
Same here really. With kids and husband around one rarely finds oneself in
the right place at the right time, eh?
I cry very easily so often can't help but do it in front of others. It's usually people I know well (good friends and family), and if it's really in a situation that I don't feel comfortable with, I'll go and hide. Not sure if that's making things better but at least I feel I control in some way who does and who doesn't see my tears. When people cry when with me, strangely I don't do any of the above. Maybe it's because for me crying is useful, a release that actually makes things better, and something that passes of its own accord. If a person wants to talk, that's fine, if not, that's ok too. Because some people need to talk it through, others don't and I always let them take the lead, happy to listen but not a counsellor who tries to get stuff out.
Oh yes I have noticed that. But I'm a cryer. I cry easily and it frustrates me when I try so hard to be in control all the time. I try not to let people see I'm bothered. I don't like being seen as someone who needs to be pitied. The worst thingg? When you're upset and someone is awfully nice to you. It always makes me bloody cry!!
Ugh, I hate crying period. Can't stand if I end up doing t in front of others – just makes me cry more.
I don't find it cathartic, though I know just about everyone else in the world does. I just feel sotmach-sick and gross afterwards.
I was a rather cryey child, though, so maybe I just used up my allotment of tears.
I worked with this woman that would burst into tears over anything and everything. And OMG I was at the office with her on September 11th. So there I am worried about my cousin who was living two blocks from the WTC and there she is, no reason to worry but crying and bawling and snotting all over the place – I just wanted to slap her. I think she actually fainted at one point. Other times she would cry until she threw up. It amused me to watch all those reactions you describe as people in the office tried to cope with her.
I'm really coming off cold, aren't I? Normally if a FRIEND cries in front of me I just hug them or pat their shoulder and hand them tissues when they're done or the snot situation gets out of control. I think it is best just to be there. If someone wants to talk they'll talk and if they want you to cheer them up they'lls tart trying to cheer themselves up with a little smile or weak joke first.
As for me – I do any and all crying in the shower where no oen can see me and the snots get washed away.
I'm with Dara: crying makes me feel like shit at best and triggers a migraine at worst (took me years to figure out what those “crying headaches” were about).
I would rather eat my own eyeballs than cry in front of anyone. On the rare occasion it does happen I just pretend it didn't and ignore all of the points you mentioned above. Most people mean well but generally it is uncomfortable for everyone. I never quite know what to do when someone crys in front of me, but it depends on who it is and what it is about. If it is a friend telling me something then she is already on the subject so I know what it is and can help them tease it out, but yes, it can still be awkward because I know they are going to be really embarrassed later!! Jen.
I NEVER cry in front of other people, I hate it. The only person I cry in front of is my husband ( all too frequently) but he just let's me get on with it and leaves me be. That said it is bloody difficult to do nothing when a friend cries in front of you, although I am the stand back and let them get on with it kind. I CAN'T STAND IT when someone does the arm around the shoulder thing arrrrggghhhhhh, makes me want to take 'em down!
I don't cry in public, if I need to cry I either bottle it up or, if I'm home alone, just let it go. When I cry it tends to be serious crying, with the wailing and the huge tears and all that! Although I do cry at films now and I never used to, and I tweet that I'm crying…does that count?
Oh I cry anywhere I need to cry. No problem there. Used to have more of an issue with it.
But why may I ask are you thinking about crying? Are you okay?(note the prying question) *stares sympathetically*
Don't worry-things are going to get much better (she says to cheer Heather up). I can fix it for you-I'll make you all happy.
So have I done my job yet?
Oh I cry all the time. In front of anybody I know. That's just me. I don't care about what people think or try and do to cheer me up. If I need to cry, I cry. It's my pressure release I think. I cry watching the news, I cry watching films. For god sakes, I cried watching the school across the road having a parade the other day (not even Marie's school but at least I was on my own in the house!).
At home I cry literally at everything TV, Books, Blog Posts you name it – much to my family's amusement. But I've cried at work twice once when I found out I was pregnant and once when I'd had a massive row at home before I got into the office. Luckily I was sitting opposite my best friend that time and she was the only one in. I actually think I scared her as in the 7 years we've known each other she'd never seen me cry. I felt terrible!
About once a year I can be guaranteed to have something happen at work/at home/down the pub that leaves me very obviously trying not to cry for five minutes until someone asks me what's wrong and I let go….
Yet another reason to always know the quickest exit route to the Ladies. That generally saves me from embarrassment a few more times a year…..
Finding time to cry used to be a problem, but now have found that switching on the waterworks is an effective way to modify my son's undesirable behaviour, so there'll be more tears in this house!
I never cry in front of other people for the very reasons you mentioned above, in fact I could of written that myself. When my little man had his first lot of open heart surgery, I should of been the one stood over him crying as I watched him lay in cardiac intensive care on all those monitors covered in tubes and wires fighting for his life, but instead friends and family would come in to see him and offer us comfort and support, burst into tears and I'd end up supporting and comforting them instead. I am sure most of my friends and family think I have an iron heart as I just do not show my emotions to anyone. However, that said, once I am alone it comes flooding out, I would just rather do it in private.
I have no idea but its bloody annoying, isn't it?
In that case, next time I need a good cry I shall come looking for you, you have a rare skill there.
Oh God Yes!!! The people that are nice to you are awful too! I'd much rather you were a bit mean to be or ignored me…lol
That woman sounds like a nightmare to work with! Would drive me insane, I have little patience for people that milk situations and always go for the sympathy vote.
Ack! That sounds awful!
It is pretty horrible, and yeah i hate the awkwardness afterwards and loath the 'are you alright now?' type questions. I've stopped crying haven't I? Defensive? Moi? Never
*Note to self: don't try to hug Lottie if she's crying. You may lose a limb*
Same here, I never used to cry at films, but now I do it all the time. And books – a good book to bring me to tears very easily. but I don't class it as real crying…I don't mind doing those in front of people.
Ooooh, you're an evil, evil woman, you are!
These days I get emotional over all sorts of stupid things and cry at films and books. It's funny, but I dont mind so much if people see me crying about things like that.
It's silly isn't it, you end up feeling worse for the people that are trying to console you than you do about why you were crying in the first place.
People being nice to you when you are trying to hold it together is the worst, isn't it?!
going for the emotional guilt angle, huh? lol
Oh God, I'm sure I would be the same, the one doing the comforting rather than the other way round. I understand where you are coming from entirely.
LOL-then my work here is done. So really now-what got you thinking about crying?
The best places to cry is either in the toilet with your head in a towel or under your duvet with the pillow over your head. That way no one sees or hears you! Perfect. I am with you all the way, can't be doing with public displays of sadness. Unless you are under 18. Keep it private people. That is all….
Isn't supposed to be us Brits that are the reserved ones? lol