Is It Ever Okay To Hit Your Child?
Growing up I remember being spanked only once after I had stolen something and then refused to admit that is was me and tried to pin the blame on my sister.
I think it was more traumatic for my parents than it was for me, I barely remember it. I don’t actually remember the physical spanking occurring at all, only the telling off that went with it, the build up to the spanking.
I do remember coming away from it thinking ’Is that it? It didn’t even hurt.’
I took two lessons away with me that day. #1. The worst punishment my parents could dish out wasn’t THAT bad, in fact the telling off was more painful. #2 not to get caught again.
And I think it would be fair to say, that with those conclusions, I also lost some of the respect I had for my parents.
Which is why I will never spank my children. Any punishment you dole out that makes them respect you less, isn’t working. Yes you may get the gratification of seeing them cry and looking contrite but that’s not because they are sorry about what they did, but because you are hitting them.
I don’t believe violence solves anything.
However, I have a good friend, we’ll call her Sindy, who thinks nothing of smacking her children on the legs if they have been misbehaving. Sindy believes that it teaches her children that when you do bad things, bad things happen to you and that it has a place, along with the naughty step, in teaching her children right from wrong.
A study by Jason M. Fuller of the University of Akron Law School in January of this year, seems to back up Sindy’s claims that it helps children learn right from wrong.
30 years ago, in Sweden, a legal ban on hitting children was brought in, Fuller’s study recorded the results of crime around the children brought up entirely under this ban and the results were somewhat worrying.
“Swedish teen violence skyrocketed in the early 1990s, when children that had grown up entirely under the spanking ban first became teenagers,” Fuller noted. “Preadolescents and teenagers under fifteen started becoming even more violent toward their peers. By 1994, the number of youth criminal assaults had increased by six times the 1984 rate.”
Is Sindy right?
Is smacking your children good for them?
Under what circumstances would you smack yours?
Quoted from Newsmax, read the full article here
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
Funnily enough my views on this have changed. Before kids I used to think that if you smacked a child while they were young there would be no need when they were older. While they were young you could smack them in such a way as it wouldn't hurt but it would upset them.
I was wrong!
Since I've had the little one I have realised there is never any need to smack. In order to get her to listen to a smack we would have to hit her so hard that it would really hurt (gentle smacks are fun play for her). She would also quickly learn that smacking was something that was ok to do and I would find ourselves being hit too. So now I don't agree with smacking, I believe there is always an alternative.
What I believe that Swedish study shows is that a large amount of parents have no idea how to practically discipline kids when they couldn't smack. It is not, in my opinion, the absence of smacking that led to the teen violence but rather the absence of an alternative and rigorous approach to discipline when the smacking was taken away as an option.
The rare times I have hit my children, have been through utter frustration & lack of self control. I am glad that when I do control myself the other 99.9% of the time, that I do not smack them, because, what do you do when a smack doesnt work? Hit them HARDER? and what then? I was 'walloped' until I was 18, one of my earliest memories is of being hit, and when I explained I hadn't done it, I was told, 'That's for the next time then!'
I don't smack because it just doesn't work. My eldest started hitting me when she started school. I figured that if I smacked her I couldn't complain when she hit me. Instead I reminded her that we have a no smacking or hitting rule and she has grown out of it. I agree that smacking just makes them lose respect for you. What works best is The Look – far more effective than any smacking or shouting (and I learned it from Paddington bear!).
I don't think you can set hard or fast rules – every child is different, and as with any other form of discipline, what works for one, won't necessarily work for another. I know I was smacked occasionally as a child, and I have occasionally smacked my own in the past. It worked for me, but it always left me feeling horribly guilty. I don't do it now, because they are older, and I can use more sophisticated forms of discipline which don't leave me feeling quite so guilty. I also don't believe that a ban would ever be effective. Who can say what goes on in the privacy of the home?
I did get a couple of smacks when younger. And it didn't do me any harm. But that being said, I don't hit my children. Actually does a little smack on a 1 year old's hand to get them to stop touching stuff because no is not enough count as hitting? (It doesn't seem to work anyway!).
I wouldn't. I was brought up with too much smacking, and I know it tends to end up as a way for the parent to lash out and release tension. I think the parents who can sensibly use smacking are few and far between. I've taught my children it's wrong to hit, including if I want to hit them.
Crikey this is a hornet's nest. Idealogically it cannot be right to strike a child and yet nature – and it seems science now – would suggest that a smack is an effective teaching mechanism. I fear it is depressing but true. Karen and I try not to resort to smacking as indeed do most of our peers but I don't know of a single one who hasn't lost it at some point and given their child a slap on the rump when they have really, really pushed. Karen and I have smacked our eldest when he's got himself into a raging tantrum. Sadly it is the only thing at that point that will bring him to his senses.
I do remember being smacked on a few occasions as a child, they stand out as horrible memories and especially the one of my Mum, it's something I wish I could forget.
While things may change when she gets older, at this time neither James or I believe hitting Abigail is going to help. I fully believe I can't tell her not to hit people if we hit her.
Although my Aunty thinks it would be a good way to stop her doing things she shouldn't, it is reassuring to read other peoples comments, which echo my beliefs.
I will admit, I smack my children occasionally. It's only if they put themselves in danger's way though.
If they do something that they could be physically hurt by, I will smack the back of their legs. My way of thinking is that it's aversion therapy, from doing something that could hurt them. Both my boys soon learned not to touch plugs any wires by having a swift smack if they went near them.
Now neither of them go anywhere near plugs (or anything else dangerous) because they know it will result with them being hurt.
I find this such a hard one as I do not want to smack and I certainly never want to hurt my kids but like someone else has said temper had occasionally led me to it and that I am not proud of. I make a very conserted effort to stop now. I do think it gets easier as they get older and can undertsand and be rationalised with. I never feel a need to smack JJ as directions alone can get him to do what is needed but one of my twinnies really tries my patience. Mich x
“Under what circumstances would you smack yours?”
Only in self-defence.
But seriously.
When I was growing up In Leeds, Yorkshire (I ended up living down south near another Leeds!), Leeds Junior Grammar School thrashed boys with gusto bordering on the psycho with anything they could get their hands on rulers, canes, gym shoes etc. But their favoured method of pain was called The Bat – in fact, there were two that had been made lovingly in the woodwork section: wooden paddles like squash rackets but thicker. Perfect for smashing little boys' bums. From there I went to public school down south where even prefects could beat younger boys. Crikey.
And my mother would thrash us with my dad's leather belt if we offended her. Odd woman and difficult to tell when we'd upset her.
But I don't believe in beatings and I don't think it made me a better person (or worse for that matter).
I've never hit my children nor has it ever crossed my mind to bash them, however frustrated I've become.
But I understand the slapped-thighs action taken by some mothers and it doesn't alarm me as long as it isn't excessive and the child understands he or she has crossed a line and has been warned.
The only time I have smacked my daughter was out of complete lack of control/jerk reaction when she bit a chunck of my arm. I felt horrible after doing it and she seemed very confused about the entire situtation. Personally, I don't think that hitting your child works is very effective. Just as I am sure timeouts don't work all the time. I've read that catching your child being good and using positive reinforcement is the best way of getting your child to improve his/her behavior. This has worked wonders with our little girl.
Also, about the study. I wonder if the Sweedish officials implemented some other form of discipline for the children. Did they instruct the parents on other ways of curbing behavior or were these kids just running around like crazy? Maybe the parents were not aware of anyother form besides spanking and they didn't feel that they could discipline. I'd like to see the study if you have a link. That would make more sense though.
This is also interesting: http://www.newsweek.com/blogs/nurture-shock/200…
I agree. I was also curious to the other forms of discipline (if any) that the government attempted to encourage among the parents. Or did they just say “No spanking! Good luck!”
I love that I can say, “We don't hit in our family. Mommie doesn't hit you, Daddy doesn't hit you. You don't hit us.”
I believe there are far more effective ways to punish a child than with physical violence. What kind of message does it give to the child, that it's okay to smack other people? I think that often (although not in all cases) parents smack their children because they get angry and lose control.
I was smacked very occasionally when I was a child. One time, when I was about 5 or 6, I was with my mother in the village where I grew up. Apparently I was very naughty so my mother pulled down my knickers and smacked me. Now why would you do that? She insists I only remember it because she told me and that there was no one else around. Whether or not that is true, it was humiliating.
It's good smacking is banned in numerous countries around Europe and I think the UK should get with the programme.
These reports make me laugh, one will say one thing, then the next will say the complete opposite. There was a recent report I blogged about, which stated children who were smacked under the age of six were more likely to perform better at school http://wp.me/pzGip-6h, but it also went on to say those who were smacked after the age of six were more likely to exhibit behavioural problems when they were older.
I remember being slapped when I was younger, I say a total of 3 times. Hah, I still remember what I did wrong so it must have worked!! I don't use slapping/hitting etc as a punishment, my parents didn't really either though, 3 times is not exactly a lot (I was sent to bed once, that was worse). Those study results are very interesting though!
I hesitate to call it “smacking”. I would never just haul off and whack my kids in the face or something. But, I spanked them when they were growing up. However, it took quite a bit to get to that point. I was a parent who didn't put up with very much. If we were in the store or a restaurant and my kids weren't on their best behavior, we left. I took them home, they got to stay with Dad or grandma while I shopped or ate out. And I didn't take them back for quite awhile, so actually spanking was really a last resort. My kids are almost grown now and have outgrown such a thing, but they admit that had I not done that, they'd have walked all over me. So, I do think there's a time and place for spanking. Public isn't it, however. Sacrifices have to be made for discipline that doesn't humiliate a child publicly, and if that means leaving and sacrificing whatever you're doing, then that's what it means. I have a problem with hitting a child anywhere that's not the rear, too.
No. It isn't ever o.k. to hit a child in my opinion. Children learn by example – if we want to teach them that hitting people is wrong then smacking is not an option. If I hit you because you had angered me, then that would be both unacceptable and illegal. Why children do not have the same legal protection from assault is beyond me.
After having said all that however, I did smack my eldest child twice when he was small. I still feel guilty about it now though – I knew it was wrong and it made me feel like shit. I swore to myself that I would never do it again and I haven't. The youngest two have never ever been smacked.
I once fell over after getting a smack (it was after something like C Michele's arm-biting incident, I think) – not because it was any harder than usual but because I'd had no idea what I'd done wrong and toppled straight over out of surprise. (Also because I was/am a clumsy little mare and prone to toppling over anyway)
My poor mum has been haunted by this incident ever since…. strangely enough she's much more bothered by it than I am!
well as a child of frequent massive whackings I can tell you it doesn't work, we used to pad our bottoms out with newspaper routinely as we knew one was ever imminent – (you could get one for something done 3 days ago that you had completely forgotton and thought you had got away with) spare underwear, anything to soften the blow. It does indeed make you lose respect for your parents and I grew up having a very distant relationship with mine.
Wow, that is quite a question….Ok, I once was told by a respected friend who was a psychologist that if you smack in a rational manner so the child knows if they are bad they should expect punishment that is different from some person lashing out and smacking out of rage and temper. I have given my kids a smack on the backside from time to time early on. Once the “consistant” dicipline is set, there is no need to spank, the children know and behave well in public because you have been consistant in your methods. I think the key is consistency and rational punishment.
I have never smacked my child. She is 4. I doubt I ever will now. I grew up in a house with smacking (didn't everyone do it in the 70s and 80s??). I just don't see the justification. I know my words are far more cutting and I have to be very structured in how I 'discipline' the sensitive little soul I've been entrusted with. So I know I actually have more of a chance to get through to her by explaining consequences of her actions to her. A steady stare and giving her the brief, simple explanation of her choices – “you either do that, or you go without that, it's up to you” etc etc., and not always leaning in my favour either.
I don't accept at all the notion that with little children, you don't have time (say, if they are in danger, like putting a hand out to touch an oven) to explain to them and that smacking is the “only” recourse to halt them doing something they oughtn't. My daughter is no different to other children and is equally as inquisitive, there is nothing miraculous about not ever having hit her (ie. it's not that she is an angel and doesn't require some heavy “channelling” of her strong-willed nature, let me be quite clear!).
But hitting or smacking? I don't see the rationale. In this house, there is zero tolerance on anyone hitting anyone. I can't very well see it working if I (or my husband) were to get to decide when and whether we hit someone who is far smaller and more defenseless. It actually seems rather barbaric!
Before I had children, I vowed that I would never smack them. Much the same as I vowed I would use reusable nappies, and not let them watch TV. All of these went out of the window. I have 3 children, aged 7, 5 and 3, and I don't like violence at all. There has been a very occasional time where everything else has failed and a quick (controlled) smack has got their attention. However the guilt for doing this is horrific.
Luckily, I usually get away with doing the counting thing. How does that work, anyway, as I never make it to 5, and I have no idea what I would do next if I did! I only have to say now, “do you want a smack” and behaviour generally improves.
When I was young, we were smacked regularly. Often uncontrolled due to loss of temper. The last time this happened I was 14 or 15. I had a friend round and I will never forget how humiliated I felt.
As I mentioned, my eldest is 7. I have not smacked her for a good few years. I wish I could say I have never smacked any of my children, but I believe in being honest.
I don't think smacking is right, but I don't think it would be possible to put a ban on it as it would not be able to be policed correctly.
I do not and will not ever smack my kids, I do not believe in encouraging any form of aggression or violence. I was smacked (a lot!!) as a child and I was a terrible teen, I rebelled, got into trouble, did drugs, teen pregnancy, you name it, I did it. So in my opinion being smacked did me no good, It didn't make me turn out any better for it. Kids will be kids, occasionally being naughty is all part of the learning process and I strongly feel we need to teach them right from wrong in other ways, not beat it in to them. Each parent needs to find a way that works for them and persevere with it. I was desperate to break the chain of smacking in our family and I am so pleased to be able to say that neither my 17 year old nor my 7 year old have never been smacked and neither of them are bad kids.
That's a very good point, just what were the parents doing to cause this, letting them just get away with everything?
Walloped? I wince just to read that. The escalation part of smacking is a real worry
ahh, yes, the Paddington hard stare. Always a useful tool.
This is very true, really we could only 'ban' smacking in public because, as you say, who knows what goes on at home. the guilt is another huge factor for me. I don't think i could handle it.
I've done it a few times, to stop little fingers in their tracks when about to touch something hot or sharp. A little tap on the back of the hand to just get them to withdraw it long enough for me to get the dangerous things out of the way.
My heart goes out to you, it must have been a horrible thing to grow up with.
it's a hard one, huh? For me I think the hardest thing is also not wanting my kids to look back on their childhood and remember smacking and hitting.
It's horrible when people close to you are giving you 'advise' like that isn't it? It can be really hard to not follow it, there is so much more pressure behind advise from those we love.
My son (nearly 2) has just started wanted to play with the plugs and I am finding it really hard to teach him he's not allowed. If I tell him no or tell him off he throws himself on the ground and has a tantrum and then, when he thinks I'm not looking, goes back and does it again.
Sometimes they can be really really trying, can't they? My eldest can be told and will follow instruction, my youngest just throws himself about and has a tantrum and then goes back to do what ever it was when he thinks you aren't looking anymore.
Bloody hell Dumbdad, that's shocking! You poor chap, what a horrible way to grow up.
Thank you for the link, I shall have a read. The article link i was referencing to is at the bottom of the post. this is it: http://www.newsmax.com/US/spanking-studies-chil…
I think the good behaviour one is great for general behaviour but what about specific incidents? Things like hitting , drawing on the sofa, that kind of thing?
I agree, smacking is wrong, there is no need for violence. If you were to do it to an adult it would be assault, so how is it different when the person is a child?
You were sent to bed only once? Either you were a very good child or I was a very naughty one! lol
I am a bit like that too, if they are playing up I remove them from what they are doing and go and make them sit in the car for a while, not alone though. they are soon ready to return to the place and be good. i don't think smacking on the butt in public or not, would have got them to behave as well, just upset and confused them.
Agreed! Smacking a child only teaches that it is okay to smack. Mummy does it so it must be, right?
I think the guilt for the parents must be huge. I know I would always remember it even if my children didn't.
oh bloody hell, that's awful. you poor thing!
Perhaps, yes. I guess a lot of the problem as you say is the doing it out of anger and frustration rather than explaning why you are doing it. Can't say i'm still entirely comfortable with the idea though.
I do believe that they learn by example and so surely if you are allowed to hit them they are allowed to hit others… It does seem barbaric, doesn't it. and surely it should be classed as assault – it is if we do it to an adult.
The counting thing works for my eldest but not for my youngest yet. He's the really cheeky one and the one i haven the hardest time in keeping my 'no smacking' policy with.
It would be hard to police wouldn't it, impossible really.
That's a real achievement to be proud of. I'm sorry to hear about how much you were smacked as a child but you must be happy with the knowledge that you have broken that cycle!
I grew up with smacking, too – not regular pounding, but the occasional hard whack, usually on the arm – hard enough to leave red finger marks but not a bruise. I remember having arguments with my mum, and going into my room to feel sorry for myself in peace, then her storming in after me to hit me and there being nowhere I could escape to. I disliked that feeling of helplessness more than the smack; knowing I could not defend myself or do anything because my mum was bigger and in charge. I was angry and uncomfortable about authority, had little self-confidence and found it hard to cope with others' anger or criticism, as I associated loud voices and aggression with that feeling of being the victim.
Even so, as a young mother I had no idea what to do at first apart from smacking. The only form of “discipline” I had known was red-faced angry shouting and smacks. I knew it didn't suit me, but thought that maybe if I just tried self-controlled smacking that might be OK.
I tried it twice. The second time, my daughter said, half-scared, half-indignant, “Don't hit me, Mummy”. I felt really stupid, as I knew she was right to be indignant.
In desperation I racked my brain for other ways to discipline her, and gradually, now that I'd given up on smacking, I did find other methods that worked. It started out with threats – also not pleasant, but better than smacking – “Do you want me to be nice, or angry?” Making sure that I didn't get angry too quickly, or that would spoil the effect… and the threat of “super early bedtime” because their naughtiness showed how tired they were. Now the kids are older we have “discussions” during which they have to explain to me what they did wrong and how they can improve things.
I don't think I've found the magic key to correct discipline but I feel happier with the situation myself – occasionally I do get really angry and start red-faced shouting, but I never feel the urge to hit anyone. As I usually realise afterwards that the red-faced shouting is probably due to me being tired or in a bad mood rather than the kids being especially badly behaved, I'm glad I stopped the hitting, or that would be one more thing to regret after such outbursts.
wow, what a wonderful comment. It is hard finding the right way, because in
an ideal world we wouldn't have to do it at all and our children would be
prefect angles. Sadly they aren't though and we have to find a morally
right but affective way of discipling them. I think the early years when
there is less understanding on their part must be the hardest. although that
said, I'm not looking forward to the teenage years much
It sounds to me like you have changed things a lot and you should be proud.
There have been a few people on here saying how they managed to break the
cycle of hitting that their parents did to them and I think it's a wonderful
thing. We are none of us perfect but if we do our best and do it from the
heart we can't be too far wrong, eh?