The Mythical Moose
‘Look, look.’ my husband called, pointing through the car window to a field.
I squinted and tried to peer out of the window. I’d taken my contacts out because my eyes were itching so badly with hayfever. I rubbed them and tried again.
‘Can you see it?’
‘See what?’ It was useless, I couldn’t make out much beyond a metre passed the car let alone whatever he was pointing at in the field.
‘That big brown thing over there.’
I squinted some more. I could just make a browny black lump in the distance.
‘Yeah.’
‘See, I told you.’
I stared at the black lump some more. It could have been anything. A rock, a cow, a muddy patch in the otherwise green field. ’What did you tell me? What is it?’
He turned and gave me an incredulous look. ’It’s a moose. I told you they exist.’ He had that smug I’m always right expression on his face.
‘Oh great.’ I sat back and crossed my arms, lip pouting. I’d been living in Lapland for 4 years and the only time I had seen a bloody moose was when I didn’t have my contacts in. Everybody else sees them all the time, my husband regularly comes back home with tales of seeing them crossing the road or standing in fields. I had been beginning to suspect that it was all some giant tourist conspiracy that all Finns were made to sign up to and they they didn’t really exist at all.
I squinted at the lump again. Moose shmoose. Bah.
Wait a cotton pickin’ minute… I looked at my husband and narrowed my eyes. How do I know this is a real moose? How do I know this isn’t all some elaborate hoax.
I can see it all now. The secret meetings and emails, The Secret Kuusamo Moose Association gathering in a forest clearing in the dark of the night, performing secret handshakes and looking shifty.
‘We must stop this English woman from finding out we don’t really have any moose. It could blow the whole ‘lets pretend there are moose in Kuusamo to lure in tourists scam’ wide open.
‘What do we do boss? Shall we take her out?’
‘Maybe. I’ll get on to Sami the assassin. Tim, you find out if there is any other way, another body could make the authorities suspicious. Don’t you know her husband? Get on to him, she must have a weakness.
‘Will do boss.’
He could easily have contacted my husband, threatened him with something serious, like breaking his fishing boat or stealing his nets, you know, something that would really cut deep. Furtive telephone conversations in the dead of the night. Oh hell, they could have been at 2 O’clock in the afternoon with me sat next to him for the amount I understand of his phone conversations. Seriously, the man could be plotting world domination on the phone over breakfast and the first I would know about it was when he started practising his evil laugh.
He could easily have set up the hay fever thing. Sprinkled grass spores around the house. Hidden a bunch of flowers in the glove compartment.
I opened the glove compartment and peered in.
Empty.
I shut it with a bang
Doesn’t prove anything.
I swivelled in my seat and looked again at the brown lump we’d now driven passed.
Doesn’t prove anything.
I’m on to you, secret-lets-pretend-there’s-moose-in-Kuusamo-society. I’m on to you.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland... only less snowy and stuff.
LMAO. Felt I was there in the car with you.
Thanks Susie xx
If he starts playing Lord Rockingham's XI' “hoots mon” (there's a moose loose aboot this hoose) call the cops immediately.
there's a moose loose abute this hoose. Great, i'm gonna be singing this
all day now.
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I think your post is funny, but Ed Hardys comment really made it for me.
isn't there a dead one hanging up in your log cabin? And what is Ed on, I want some…
Can't. Stop. Giggling. And now the husband is looking at me strangely.
Did someone say clothes shop?
WRT your post, Heather: totally plausible! Be careful letting on what you know, though *wink-nod-tap*
Ooohhh, I love a good conspiracy theory! How can we help expose it? Jen
Flipping hysterical! Although I only ever see moose after drinkin the contents of a bottle of vino. I see pink moose then. x
Just because you're paranoid it doesn't mean they're not following you.
LOL! thanks for the giggle.
x
I agree with Pippa – am loving Ed Hardy and his “wedsites” too. Colorful of fashion.
P.S. I have actually seen a moose/elk in Finland… I have also seen the damage inflicted by one on my uncle's car -not pretty, although allegedly said creature walked away unharmed.
LOL! You sound *just* like me – with the exception that you can somehow get it in writing! I, too, cannot see w/o contacts or glasses, the allergies are *killing* me right now, and I am convinced that my hubby is involved in some sort of plot (usually a plot that involves driving me insane). If it does any good with the “powers that be” I can say that I believe there are moose in Finland….
Tee hee
Pink moose? Well that's different. Still, better than pink elephants, eh?
'xactly!
You're welcome!
it is so frustrating being without your contacts isn't it? Thankfully i don't suffer much with hay fever here, just every now and again. In England I was terrible, I used to spend the whole summer thick with allergies, snuffling and sneezing.
FUNNY! But then, you always are!! When without my contacts I often mistake brown lumps for moose and I live in Australia. It could have been anything… right?? x
why thank you very much, what a compliment! You did mean funny ha ha right? not funny, Oh-my-god-that-girl-is-funny-in-the-head.
Meh, either way, i’ll take it.
My husband has been teasing me for years with gags like that (okay, moose have not yet been mentioned…so lets not give him any ideas). But I’ll get him back. At my last optometrist appointment he said my eyes were IMPROVING with age…so I’ll get him – just give me a decade or so
so you just have to live till your 150 and you’ll be back to 20/20 again? Cool!
I thought I’d heard every conspiracy theory going, but I never heard the one about the Moose…
Life in Lapland, it’s exciting stuff…
Snicker. I am with you. I lived in the NT for years. Never saw a croc in the wild, not once. Tourist fallacies….