Does Marriage Matter?
I’m not married.
This may come as a shock to some of you as I usually refer to my fella as my husband or hubby, but married we are not, we’re not even engaged. I don’t call him my hubby or husband because I feel any shame in not being married or wish to deceive, but simply because the English language is lacking, in the much the same sense that it doesn’t have a word for the bit at the back of the knee, in a good word to describe what we are. Those of us that live with someone, that have children together, are a family, but have never stood in front of someone legally ordained to bind us together by law and say that we’ll love each other until one of us dies.
The English language falls down somewhat here, because really, what other words are there? Boyfriend seems somewhat juvenile, I can’t remember the last time I referred to someone as my boyfriend. Aged 20, perhaps? Partner is such a wishy washy word. Partner. Blurgh. It makes as sound as though we are in business together, or that we are gay and not happy about openly referring to the sex of our other half. And any other words, life partner, significant other, all seem only to highlight the fact that we are not married, as though we have taken some moral stance against the system and are trying to make everyone aware of it.
The first response most people give when they hear that we’re not married is to ask ‘do you want to get married?’ Usually said in an eager voice with expectant eyes and a nodding head as though every sane creature on the planet is living their whole existence simply to achieve the goal of being legally tied to another.
My usual answer, ‘Yes, sure. We will, one day.’ seems to appease them.
Some, instead, ask why. I generally answer with a laugh, ‘Well, he hasn’t asked me yet.’
Others seem confused and ask if we are engaged, glancing at the children, trying to work out if the kids are his or if I have saddled him with a couple of youngsters. For some reason it seems, a couple that are engaged is more legitimate than one who simply gets along through life together without wearing a ring of any kind – in Finland the man gets an engagement ring as well.
But despite all these elusions to it happening one day, as I keep reassuring my mother, in all honesty, I’m not that bothered. We could get married, or not, either way life will be good. Perhaps it’s because I’m satisfied that we are as committed to each other as we could possibly be, dressing up and having a party which involves the signing of some paper isn’t going to change anything, apart from our bank balance and stress levels, perhaps.
Perhaps it’s because I’m an atheist and don’t see the significance in it. If we are going to be together forever, which I sincerely believe we are, then we will be whether we have a ceremony or not. We are already a family, what more is there?
Does marriage matter to you? For what reasons? Do you consider a married couple more ‘proper’ than an unmarried one?
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
Your bloke is a lucky, lucky man. All blokes get married because we get told to, every single one, no exceptions. Although you may have just put the final nail in my Wedding Tweeter business, not such a bad thing as I am still recovering from Saturdays hangover.
Well, I’m married but never cared much for marriage. In fact, I was shocked when proposed to. I said yes, and reconsidered the answer for a full week because really I felt I didn’t need to get married and it wouldn’t change anything about us. Marriage has brought a sense of security (real or not – the sense of it is real, not sure if our relationship is really more secure because of it) which I now appreciate. But that’s just because I never took hubby for granted (before we were married) and now I do a little bit. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.
Right we need to find you a name for him and get it into the English language. We could make oneup or we could look elsewhere for inspiration.
The Germans simply call “my Husband” “Mein Mann” which I think works for all situations and is well, like the Germans themselves, very straightforward. We use it in Scotland here “my man”. Unfortunately it’s usually accompanied with the prefix “Are you trying tae steal/chattin’ up/trying to shag…?” and the suffix “cos if ye are, I’ll f**king batter ye!”
However more fruity and I think the one that I wish I had the guts to use was the way Nina Simone referred to her other half (whom she was not married to but…was if you know what I mean). She always referred to him simply as “my lover”. I like!
I have to admit I love being married. I loved the whole big day and taking his name. Over the las 6 yrs we have gone through some really hard times and i think being married made us stick them out together. But i do have to say what works for one doesnt for someone else. You do what makes you happy, life would be boring if we all did the same.
I’m with you on this one. Except it’s me that will end up doing the asking
We got married because there was a deal on our holiday for £500 and you could get tax benefits for being married. They later scrapped the tax benefits and I thought of getting it anulled lol. I still forget when our wedding anniversary it.
Seriously, I think moving in together and having kids is way more of a commitment than marriage.
Goonerjamie, you’re wrong mate. I once said I would never get married again, and that I would never take a man’s name (again). I did both. But he wanted it. He wanted the wedding, even the ritual/romance/fuss of it all. I would have been happy to just stand on a beach somewhere lovely with my kids, family and friends with a JP but he wanted the whole thing, vicar and all. I’m glad now that we did. I do think that there’s been a change in our relationship since, subtle but a change nevertheless. Does it feel more permanent? Don’t know. Once you’ve been divorced I don’t think any relationship ever feels permanent really. I will love him today for ever. Tommorrow I will wake up and make that pledge again.
He was pretending, but he was pretending because he loves you.
Marriage matters to me. It was the only way to guarantee diamonds
Marriage matters to me, but maybe because that’s how I respect the institution of marriage for what it should be. It’s not just “a piece of paper” as some people say, it’s a commitment to each other that you make in front of witnesses which takes some guts if you are serious about it. It’s a legal contract to stay together forever, no matter what, and therefore not so easy to walk away from. There are many instances in law where being married is different (next of kin, unlimited insurability, equal parenting rights (that’s right, a father is only a biological father, not a legal one, unless he adopts his own children), equal share of assets, etc) than just being together and there are reasons for that. Married people have made that ultimate commitment. I know of several couples who are happy not being married, but I know others that changed their minds and feel much happier since they made the commitment. I may be being contraversial, but I do believe there is a difference.
Me and MrW aren’t married either – I guess I’m really MissH but that sounds a bit Jean Brodie and NikkiiH my Twitter name is verging on xx-NikkiiBabee-xx – bleugh. I ended up with the MrsW online moniker when I setup my first blog on MrW’s school’s network… it was more to separate me along with the staff and other parents from the pupils. The network folded and I started again on WordPress. Does marriage matter? As a divorcee I would say no, but thinking about the prospect of not being each other’s legal beneficiary in the event one of us shuffles off does make me wonder if we might get round to it one day. I guess we’ve been engaged for 8 and a half years… I even have a ring… somewhere.
Oh gawd we do don’t we? I never ask after anyone’s “husband” or “hubby” I always ask after “yer man”. And the men tend to grace us with our actual given names… can’t remember ever hearing “where’s yer wummin?”
That’s because “where’s yer wummin?” leads to a good crack ’round the head. The best women have a good right hook, and know how to use it. Unfortunately.
At least you have the choice to get married or not. I, like many gay people cannot get married. Regardless of how “proper” our relationships are, we cannot make a choice regarding marriage. I think you are very fortunate.
Interesting… was having a discussion about this at the weekend with husband’s cousin and her “partner”.
Personally I am a big fan of marriage – especially where children are involved, for all the practical reasons mentioned by others. I think a lot of it is down to the fact that my parents are still happily married after 42 years and I always wanted what they had. My husband’s parents on the other hand got divorced when he was very young, and I think it did make him anti-marriage for a long time (I like to think he changed his mind having met me
Having said this, I am not one of these people that is going to force marriage down someone’s throat – if it is not right to you or important to you then that’s your choice. Given the divorce statistics these days I don’t think it even makes much difference to whether a relationship will break up or not. If you have children and a house together it probably binds you together as much as a marriage certificate.
I think marriage only holds as much significance as the two people in the relationship hold to it. I don’t think it proves that you’re anymore committed to eachother than if you aren’t, we all know that being married doesn’t stop infidelity or relationships breaking up. If someone is going to be unfaithful, I don’t think it matters if they’re married or not. God forbid, but to quote the Jennifer Aniston character in “He’s Just Not That Into You” (which is a film I love depite not being Jen An’s biggest fan) ‘you’re more of a husband to me as you are, than those “real husbands” out there’ who are incidenatlly sitting on their arses watching sports rather than help…I paraphrase but you get the gist!!
The only thing I think it can perhaps provides is financial security….A friend of mine was actually engaged to her now hubby, and they had a beautiful daughter, but they couldn’t afford a wedding straight away, probably not for a good few years (she’s Greek, so it has to be an epic wedding) but, they decided in the meantime to go down the registry office and get hitched for now…just a couple of witnesses, no celebrations or anything after. They chose to do that for highly unromantic reasons…she is now a full-time mum, and I think they were a little concerned that, god forbid, if anything happened to her now hubby, that she would be left unsecure regarding pensions and stuff like that. I know there are ways round that of course, but as I understand it, and correct me if i’m wrong, that all that kind of stuff is far less complicated if you’re married right? Taxes, benefits, inheritances, pensions etc etc? That piece of paper doesn’t mean that their relationship has changed in any other tangible way, except they feel more secure should the worst ever happen. They’re still planning they’re own Big Fat Greek Wedding, for 2012 I now believe, and I will be up dancing ridiculously like the rest, it’s just they didn’t want to risk those few years in between, as they would have to have such an extended engagement. Unromantic, yes, but probably quite sensible should anything dreadful happen. Am I wrong, or is it really unhealthy to live your life that way…all I know is that they’re happy, which I guess is all that matters at the end of the day really!!
Just re-read my comment…the last line sounds like I don’t approve…I should have said something more like “are they wrong?” I’m happy as long as they’re happy…I was a bit surprised when I found out that they were doing it…they only told a couple of people before they did it, and I was told by one of them…gossipy bunch we are, they pretty much announced it on facebook after they were done to everyone else…lol! Would it have been ideal if they could have got married in exactly the way they wanted right away? Of course, but babies happen unplanned, you’re not always where you planned you’d be when life happens, I completely understand and respect their choice to do it this way. I’m sure the “official wedding” will be be even more phenomenal now there’s no urgency, and this way, the little one get’s to play a proper part in the big day, rather than as a babe in arms.
LOL. I think men get to a certain age and then think ‘shit, I should probably get married now’.
Marriage has never really mattered to me, although I am married! To me it’s just a bit of paper… but we both wanted children together, and wanted us all to have the same surname.
I am married and can’t honestly say that I feel our relationship is stronger or different than before we were we wed.
I think it’s entirely up to you, if you’re comfortable with your situation then everyone else can go take a run and jump
I always think that it’s fine to hold a particular point of view, but never say never because it can make a fool of you. You never know what’s round the corner and you could change your mind because of what life throws at you. It can be anything – a minor thing or a big life changing event and suddenly your perspective changes.
I don’t know if attitudes are different in Finland but I never enquire if people intend to get married even if they have kids. Yes, most of my mummy friends are married but there is a good chunk that aren’t too, and it’s their business whether they tie the knot or not. Both me and my husband have been married before and he gave the impression that he didn’t want to get married again so I was shocked when he asked me but it seemed like the right thing to do. From a purely practical point of view, it simplifies things like being next of kin, inheritance etc (tho we have made wills too) but I can understand why people don’t want to do having been through a divorce.
Personally, I think the law needs to change so that you have that choice, and so that I don’t have to marry or adopt to be considered the proper father of my children. Both cases are just as ridiculous.
Yeah but if you say “woman” like Isaac Hayes or Barry White- that’s OK
We’ve been together for fifteen years with a ten year old kid. Married for five years (or something like that, it might be four, or it might be six this xmas, can’t be arsed to find the certficate or phone my sister to check)
We got married becuse my brother walked out on my SIL when she was 8.5 months pregnant with their second child. Only to discover via her that lawyer after lawyer sucked their teeth and crushed her expectations for her own support (as well as the kids) while she gave brith and got through infancy, unemployable and falling to peices, just cos they weren’t married. 11 years of together was apparentaly worth zip.
I don’t aniticpate falling out with the Sock Dropper (and I’ll have his balls as ear rings and him face down in a ditch before he leaves me high and dry, which he knows, so probaly that helps, cos he believes me, I do a good impression of being very menecing), but still. It freaked me out, so married we got. Even though having one divorce under my belt I was deeply unenthusiastic about the whole kaboodal.
I’d advise anybody to check out the details of what would happen if a split occurred where they live and if being unmarried leaves them at some disadvantage. It sucks and it’s not fair and may be too cynical for some. But with divorced parents and a “divorced” sib I got very practical about the whole thing.
So much for romance LOL.
I think it’s enitrely up to the individual and depends on what feels right to them. Nobody needs to be married to be committed – even legally these days it doesn’t offer much of an advantage. But I can see that for a lot of people the ritual embodies a physical showing of committment, some people need to have that I guess. Some people just like to have a day they can celebrate and look back on. The latter is certainly true of me and my wife – but our wedding was a little untraditional – just a small group of friends, no family, all easy going and relaxed in a nice little Welsh village and a great pub lunch. It worked for us but wouldn’t suit everybody!
I am speechless. I honestly can’t imagine not wanting to get married, or not being bothered either way. I’m not even sure why, but I just can’t!
It’s always “my man” here too… must be a Scottish thing! lol
Truth, love and individual difference. I think that however your relationship works best for you is the best thing for you to do. I’ve seen too many people in long term relationships get married and then split up shortly afterwards. Saying that, marriage works very well for me and t’other half.
Maybe spouse is a good word for it? At least in Finnish you have avovaimo/avomies to describe it. After living in Finland, I feel that being together without being married is just a normal thing, but in a country like Indonesia, it’s still considered taboo, so getting married is the only “way out” of trouble if you want to be live with someone – unless you’re brave/strong enough to fight against the current, that is.
Oh yeah, about me and marriage…I’m still old-fashioned. I’ve always wanted to get married and besides, before moving to Finland, ‘coz we had a long-distance relationship, it wasn’t really possible for me to get oleskelulupa without getting married to hubby first (‘coz we had never lived together before for at least 2 years).
I don’t think one is more proper than the other. As an atheist I think you’re doing the right thing. Marraige, in it’s modern sense, was brought about as an institution of the church. If you don’t subscribe to the other beliefs of the church, you shouldn’t subscribe to those about marraige. As a Christian, myself, I like that you’re not taking the sanctity of our church rites blithely and secularising them to suit your will.
For me, it was important to make that promise in front of my family and God. Mostly God. But I’m a bit unusual. For me, once I made that promise it was between me and my husband, but also me and my faith and me and God. I can’t break it. That’s why it was so important to me, because I actually REALLY meant my vows – till death do us part, no other options (barring very extreme circumstances in which I’m sure God would forgive me breaking my vows)
I think as long as two people understand each other, they can proceed with their relationship as they wish. I would much prefer that if they’re going to have, say, an open marraige, then they don’t have a traditional wedding as they don’t actually mean it.
For you two, I imagine your commitment to each other is enough and as long as it is enough for the two of you it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Way better to see a couple decide what they want and need then rush into tradition and formality without understanding the extent of what they’re doing.
Legally, though, how is it in Finland – are you considered a common law couple after a number of years? Here in Canada, a common law relationship is just as valid as a formalised one legally.
Oh, and I hated my old surname. Another reason why marriage was A Very Good Thing for me
I love being married and to me it was important that we did before we had children…. But, that’s not to say my way is best and that people who aren’t married are more committed than we are.
I just posted my wedding photos on my blog the other day actually, we got married at Gretna Green and it was a lovely day – all about us and not everyone else!
I find the whole “being married” thing odd, because for me it does actually make a huge difference. I can’t say why because I’m about as confident as I can be that he wouldn’t leave me if we weren’t (I wouldn’t have had children and moved halfway across the country with him if I weren’t, not to mention all the financial stuff we’ve bunged in together), but it really does, for me, feel different. I think, as others have said, that it’s the public nature of the declaration. The standing there, and saying it. The actual verbalisation of that promise. For better or worse… I love it. But then that’s just me.
And with my lawyer hat on it’s the right financial thing to do… sorry to contradict some other commenters, and obviously this is only the case in England and Wales (and I think Scotland, but some law here is different and I’m not qualified to practice up here), but if you’re not married, you have no guarantees of ANYTHING if you split up. You also have to pay inheritance tax on anything you pass to each other if you die (over a set limit) whereas there’s no tax between married couples. I’ve actually sat in meetings and advised people, as their lawyer, to get married…. but then I’ve also helped people get divorced, and that’s much much worse than paying unnecessary tax….
If B EVER calls me “wimmin” or even Barry White-esquely “woman”, he’ll be getting that good crack…. I definitely didn’t sign up for that when we moved!
Sorry to contradict, but the whole father legality thing is a bit more both complicated and simple than that… basically to make various decisions in relation to a child, an adult has to have “parental responsibility”. It used to be the case, as Working Mum says, that unmarried fathers didn’t have parental responsibility but for children born since (about, and if this matters to you check!) 2007, if the father is named on the birth certificate then he automatically has parental responsibility, regardless of whether or not he’s married to the mother. If no father is named, or if the parents weren’t married and the child was born before that date, then only the mother has parental responsibility. But it’s quite easy to acquire it – the mother can just add the father at later date if necessary…
Sorry, that was all a bit lawer-y, but then, I guess that’s what I am….
I’m married. I like being married. I don’t know why.
I wasn’t that fussed about getting married- the proposal was just one of those things we did because from our first date we new that we were in it for the long haul (although we got engaged 2 years later) but we procrastinated on making wedding arrangements for a year- deciding to buy a house, try for a baby… they were more important than a wedding. Then we decided (when I was 8 weeks pregnant) to get married. We bought outfits there and then- nipping into debenhams and driving to a registry office and booking the first legal date. Just us and my brother and a friend were there. We just wanted to be married to each other and that was all that mattered.
I love my wedding ring- whenever i am having a bad day I find myself fiddling with it and it instnatly reminds me that it’s not just me against the world, I’m part of a team.
I have a friend who is engaged, has bought a house with her partner and has a 3 year old child. I asked her when they were getting married (a reasonable question after an engagement I felt) and the reply was “oh he doesn’t want to, it’s too much commitment” go figure.
too true- if two people are committed they should be allowed to marry. not some quasi legal arrangement.
I have several friends who are similarly “married” but not legally married, as you describe in this post. And from what they say, it sounds like they have similar relationships to your own. What is the point is being legally married, so long as the committment is there and you know you want to be together? The only drawback I see is protection from the law if there was to be a problem in one of these relationships. My sister in law is gay and some of her breakups have been disastrous financially because there is no legal recourse for gay couples who are not legally married. Anyway, I tip my hat to you guys. Your relationship has the important part that a happy family needs and that is committment to one another. The other stuff is just fluff in my opinion. (And plenty of married couples are far less committed to each other than those who live together happily but are legally not married.)
I don’t think marriage matters. I am married. I don’t see people who are in a committed relationship (be they a gay, straight or combination of anything couple) as having anything more or less than a married couple. Marriage can make people do crazy things that come out of a feeling of being stifled. It works for some, not for others. It works for us, I’ll say that. And as for the word ‘partner’… I use that more than “my husband”, actually, so it’s interesting for me to read your displeasure in the term. “My husband”, to me, implies some sort of ownership. Saying “partner” for me infers that he is …. well, my partner! In the life we have set up together and for our children. We are a team. In some respects, he IS a colleague. We’ve been together for 18 years, sometimes it takes ‘management’ to get things back on track.
In UK marriage matters if you are a father and you want any rights of access to your kids. In the military it matters because you don’t get housed without being married. Otherwise I am with you – it doesn’t matter. Although it’s harder to leave if he’s a knobhead if you are married. I am such a romantic!
I saw this post early this morning but had no time to reply – so I emailed it to myself so I could think on it in spare moments at work. Here’s the short version of what I came up with. Marriage is a very personal decision. Period. If what you have works for you – then that should be all that matters. Unfortunately, here in the States (in some places) it is more advantageous legal and tax-wise to be married. That little piece of paper carries a lot of weight legally. No, being married does not necessarily translate into a “more committed relationship” but being married in the eyes of the law can make some things easier in relation to taxes, health issues, etc. It also makes walking away harder and may give some pause to stop and think if walking away is the right thing to do rather than making a decision in the heat of the moment. All that being said, I go back to my original statement, if what you have works for you – then that’s all that matters.
I think I got married because it would surprise everyone. Now I’m separated the only thing I wonder is if it would have been easier to get away if I hadn’t been married: I felt like a failure for not being able to live up to my vows
Marriage used to be a big deal to me when I was younger. And I am married currently and love every second of it. Don’t get me wrong. However, the older I get, the less marriage seems like a necessity. When I was younger, I did not have the self esteem necessary to be comfortable without the “piece of paper” involved in marriage. And back then I was seeking my place in a spiritual sense, too. To me, that “piece of paper” was supposed to hold some sacred meaning, and I was searching for it. But, the older I get, the more that piece of paper is just that. It has little to do with the actual commitment in a relationship. The “LEGALITY” involved no longer holds the same meaning for me, because I realize it’s a crutch. That piece of paper isn’t going to help any relationship be more productive or loving or committed. That has to be done by the two people in question. Paper is meaningless. And the ceremony is almost as meaningless unless you’re intensely religious.
If anything happened to my husband, I obviously would want a life partner. To share what was left of my life with. But, I doubt very highly that I would put much emphasis on legal papers and ceremonies. Marriage wouldn’t be mandatory, but also wouldn’t be shunned either.
I am just plain old fashioned, plus religion wise for me there is no other option than marriage really-but I am happy about that.
I am also happy that I have grown over the years and I am a lot more open minded in that I don’t judge others who have made decisions different than mine.
Why ruin a good thing! Joking aside you may want to investigate the legal aspects (kids etc)…but sure you already have.
Thanks for that, Harriet I hadn’t realised that it had changed in 2007.
It’s a commitment to the child, but to each other?
Marriage does mean a lot to me. I like the public announcement aspect, the public promises to love, honour and obey (they all work both ways) I also like that we all share a name, we all ‘belong’ together.
Before we were married we lived together for 6 years, my parents referred to my other half as their ‘Sin-in-law’ LOL
oh and names? OH = other half, or SO = significant other, or even LO = loved one
In my opinion, I think committment means more than marriage because underneath is all, marriage is essentially a piece of paper … a contract. A real committment to one another is so much more. x
I’m divorced, and don’t plan to marry again. It’s a legal contract that can saddle you with someone else’s secrets, debts, foibles, etc. I think you have it right, in that you choose every day to stay committed to this person and not just because it would be a huge mess involving lawyers and the like just to get out of it…