The Zipless F*ck And The Death Of Feminism
The Zipless F*ck, a phrase coined in The Fear Of Flying by Erica Jong, originally published in 1973, is supposed to be ‘the purest thing there is, rarer than the unicorn’ and is said to be the epitome of feminism.
It is a sexual encounter between strangers, the perfect one night stand where both parties walk away with their head held high having enjoyed the moment but with no need to see or speak to one another again.
A Modern Military Mother, inspired by Mary Mac, wrote about her Zipless F*ck with a young guy she picked up in a bar, and asked me to write about, not a one night stand I had experienced, but whether a zipless f*ck makes a woman a feminist or a floozy. An equal to men or just a slut?
If I were to believe any of my male friends I would be under the impression that they all have a 6″ knob, do nothing but masturbate fiercely when not otherwise engaged with the boring trivialities of life such as working and sleeping, and have all slept with at least 100 women.
100 women? Excuse me whilst I laugh. A lot.
However, let us, for the sake of argument, believe that this is true. 100 women, 1 guy. That’s some good going eh? What a guy. Wow, he must be a hero at the local pub. Other men must come flocking to him for advice, pat him on the back and buy him pints as he regales them with his latest conquest.
Funny how if that was me, a woman, I would be a slut.
100 men, 1 woman. That’s some good going eh? What a woman. Wow, she must be a hero at the local bar. Other women must come flocking for advice on how she gets her man, buy her glasses of dry white whilst she languishes on the leather sofa in the VIP area regaling her friends with hilarious anecdotes from her latest conquest.
Umm, yeah. More likely…
100 men? What a slut. Are her legs ever closed? It must be like throwing a sausage down a hallway. Women probably smirk and turn away from her as she enters the pub, whispering and giggling, dragging her reputation over the coals again and again because she committed the heinous crime of having sex with different people. Which is clearly wrong, nasty, sluttish behaviour…unless of course you’re a guy.
And yet that guy, the one that slept with 100 women, well, I hate to break it to you, but erm…well, there were 100 women involved, allegedly. 100 separate women whom, one must assume if he has managed to get to a number like 100, that he wasn’t having a loving relationship with. 100 women that are all sluts? Or do we prefer to think of the women as having their hearts broken, as actually believing they were involved in a relationship only to be mistreated by a cad of a man, Mr hero?
Is that it? Is that what this all comes down to? This mystifying nonsense about men being one of the boys and women being whores if they indulge in a zipless f*ck, a one night stand? The fact that we want to think of the woman as the weaker sex, the wronged party, the poor broken hearted little thing that needs looking after, needs the love of a man to protect her against the harsh realities of the world where she couldn’t possibly cope alone, unchaperoned, unprotected.
Is that why anyone that breaks that image has to be separated from the rest of the normal* (*for normal re-read the 2nd sentence of the previous paragraph) women, labeled, ridiculed, scorned and shunned? Because society insists, against all evidence to the contrary, that we are not strong capable people who can look after ourselves just fine in the real world, thank you very much, but women. Like men, only less. Is this what it’s all about?
And if so, who is it pushing this myth? Because most men I know couldn’t give a damn how many guys a woman has slept with. But most women could. Does this mean it is women that are perpetuating this slut myth? Women that are determined to make us seen as either weak, lesser beings, or sluts?
And if the zipless f*ck really is a true sign of feminism, as the book Fear Of Flying suggests, then are women the real enemies of feminism?
Lets face it, the reason most of us women feel the need to dress up, look beautiful, slim, young, and therefore suffer from lack of esteem, self belief and pride when we don’t measure up to impossible ideals, isn’t to impress men but actually other women. It is women and not men that wouldn’t put up with having overweight, imperfect models in magazines. Men don’t notice cellulite, new hair cuts or if you’ve had your nails done, nor do they particularly care. Women do. It is women not men that that rip each other apart during battles about breast V’s bottle, SAHM V’s working mum, home school V’s state school, kids V’s career. It is women that are usually the bully that causes the self loathing, depression, withdrawing from society and sometimes extreme measure of suicide. It is women that do all the judging, peering down noses and social sentencing. Women, not men.
The next time a man looks over a women for a job at his company, or decides she should be paid less than a man doing the same job (and yes, this still happens in a huge amount of companies in the country you are living in right now) is it because he’s a chauvinistic pig that truly thinks women are lesser creatures? Or because he has heard his wife/mother/sister/aunts/female friends/daughters, bitching, arguing and infighting so much that he has come to believe the rubbish they are all spouting? Or worse, that all women are like that?
Could it be that women are shaping the views of these men we consider chauvinistic? Is it really only other women holding us back in our quest to be considered equal, and not men at all? And if so does this prove that feminism doesn’t work, that it has gone as far as it can go and got stuck because it just can not beat this self perpetuating cycle of woman bashing women. It can not get inside the loop?
Feminism has failed, it’s over. We can not be equal sexes because other women will not allow it.
And if feminism is dead then, I’m afraid to say, that makes a vast majority of us women, sluts.
______________
A few other bloggers were also asked to write about this, I’ll add their answers below as their posts appear:
A Modern Military Mother – The Fear Of Flying And Dawn French
Very Bored In Catalunya – Feminist Or Floozy
Vegemitevix – A Feminist Floozy
Dad Who Writes – Really, Is The Zipless F*ck Still News?
Mommy Has A Headached – The Zipless F*ck And The Death Of Feminism
__________________
I’m going to ask
Muddling Along Mummy
Gappy
Redneck Mommy
Dad Who Writes
The zipless f*ck, does it a feminist or floozy make and/or is feminism dead?
Want to add you own? Go for it! Let me know and I’ll add it to the list above when it’s done.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
Ooh, I will definitely post on this later today, I have a lot to say on the subject! I started to leave it as a comment but it was quickly turning into its own post so will just do that instead of clogging up your comment form.
@Noble Savage, I shall look forward to it
@Heather,
Me too!!! Let me know when it’s up puhleeese xx
What a fantastically brave post. So many truths; so much wrong with our thinking – male and female. I don’t think feminism is dead but I do think it needs to have a rethink about what it is and what it would like to stand for. What ideals does it want to proselytize? If women are to be free then they must also be free of the sneering judgement of other women / men. But I also think for true feminism to work as it should, men need to have a rethink about their own values. None of this chauvenist / new man dichotomy rubbish. All that does it pololarize men the same way that “feminist” / slut polarizes women. Real people aren’t like that. There is no black and white just an incredibly wide spectrum of greys. The human race needs to thrash out a few ideals for itself.
Easier said than done though, eh?
I really dont know, you know why I have only ever been with one bloke and I married him! Although I do feel that I am a feminist, but for me sex and love are linked in such a base level, but then that is due to them always being that way. I have never had either without the other, if that makes any sence.
Does no-one ever stop to think that if one man is having 100 one-night stands with 100 different women, there must be an equal number of women indulging in that kind of behaviour, or the numbers simply don’t add up. Alternatively, the number of women who are indulging in this way (and I seem to remember that it is a smaller number from what research I’ve read) must be stacking the numbers up even more. Or then again, maybe those men are just lying. Perhaps it’s a combination of both.
Wow, Heather, brilliant post.
For what it’s worth, as a working mother I can add that I personally will not work for a female boss. Simple reason is that there is too much tension and antagonism about ‘one-upping’ each other. Even if everyone is as nice as pie to each other’s face, the bold facts are that we are undeniably concerned with competition from the same sex.
LCM x
I’m liking your angle here. We are indeed as women killing feminism, the sisterhood only extends to our closest friends, others outside that circle are to be stepped on, looked-over, squashed, vilified, tormented and bitched about in order for us to succeed.
I totally agree. I don’t make my hair nice and put my make up on for the school run to ‘pull’ anyone, I do it because I don’t want to be seen by the other mums as the one who doesn’t make the effort! We’re our own worst enemies at times.
Oh, and for the record, I enjoyed being a floozy when I was at uni… it was great fun!
I don’t think I agree, but it may take me a while to work out why. Feminism isn’t dead in my mind anyway.
Hear hear applicable the western perspective of this post.
Living in HIV scourged Africa where intra-continental truck drivers DO screw 100′s of desperate, or loose women and girls, whichever way you choose to look at it – the whole thing just makes me vomit
Men multiply their sexual encounters and women reduce them. And for good reason. No mater what, men always want to believe that they, although are not in unchartered territory, were one of a select few. I really don;pt know what I’m going to do about this meme- I HATED the book.
@Misssy M,
You don’t have to like the book – I can’t get to the end!! She’s only f*cked that old lecturer so far and it’s quite boring but I just like the notion!
We are our own worst enemies, yes we are.
I don’t agree with your analysis of why women are looked over in the workplace, though. I think that’s just a long habit, and hard to break. And people with power (men, often) tend to recruit in their own image. It’s easier, takes less mental effort, safer, etc etc. The skills they think they are looking for are likely to be male skills, because they recognise those ones easist, and so they don’t notice the other skills that the woman candidate brings. I don’t think it’s because he believes the rubbish.
Excellent questions, though.
You just need to check out this little puppy to see how supportive the female community I am in is!!
http://www.rearparty.co.uk/Forums/viewtopic/t=6297/postdays=0/postorder=asc/start=75.html
The difficulty is how do we overcome this because I am trying to be nice and forgiving and they just keep bitch slapping me some more. Until you end up being – oh FFS chill out! I used to be like that too and I have to really check myself to not be so damning and judgemental. Are we capable of uniting. I really want it to be so but i have doubts and I want to banish the doubt.
Ps: I love you and this – eternally!! Thanks
!clapclapclapclapclap!!
A-FRICKING-MEN!!!!
Wow, the insight into most of this is incredulous. *some* women screw up feminism royally; but others still fight for it as much as our great grandmothers have done throughout history. I believe that truth is in the middle. That’s where it always is.
Men and women both screw it up; I don’t think it has as much to do with gender as it does culture, and culture just keeps on changing with the days as they fly by. Who knows how this creature will evolve; but evolve, it will.
As a firm believer in love, real love…, I don’t understand one night stands. They make no sense to me, but that doesn’t make them wrong at all, if both adults consent to an evening of mutual pleasure then that’s their own choice. I am a feminist in this mix as well, and believe that equal rights are imperative, but for everyone, not just one gender, and that is oftentimes lost in the message, I think.
Just like with everything else, people tend to get carried away when an ideal grows from a steady flame into a raging bonfire.
Excellent post; 5 stars to you!!
Scarlett & Viaggiatore
PS – I’m going to yoink your floozy pic; I love it too much to leave it here; and I promise to display it proudly on the Shores blog. ;D
YES!!! I agree with this, 100%. No, 200%! I’ve been ranting about this for years. Thankfully, it’s not just me that sees it this way!
-LJ
Fascinating post, Heather! And I think that you are right that we women are our own worst enemies much of the time. But I also think there has been institutionalized injustice against women, different races, etc. etc. for a long time and I don’t think I can blame women for all of that. But I do think that this whole culture of negativity and slandering one another is a problem. I think that we all need to try and see the positives in one another. Because no matter what, everyone is effed up in some way. No one is perfect. And if we would concentrate on the positives in others, we would go much farther, than when we stew in our imperfections.
Yes you are right – generally women have lower self esteem than men. I think women worry more about everything and analyse themselves more and more to the point are critical of other women. So like you say let’s all make an effort not to be such whingers eh?
very true. anybody who has ever worked in an office full of bitches and then found themselves in a work environment that was dominated by men will find that the more hostile, more destructive behavior happens where women are among themselves. as for sexual behavior, i think many (intelligent, open-minded) women go by phases. i thrive in my monogamy now (with the right man) but i would not miss my times as an ‘ethical slut’ for anything in the world (good book too, maybe more relevant than today)
@kayK, I could have written than comment myself
well, sure, that’s exactly what I was going to say.
really.
or maybe not.
Must type up mine soon.
and fuck you very much for making me think
@Dara, fuck you too, horndog.
Which is my new nickname for you btw. I think it’s fairly appropriate.
ooh you got me going on this!! I have posted my thoughts up here http://mommyhasaheadache.blogspot.com/2010/09/zipless-fck-and-death-of-feminism.html
@EmmaK, ‘come see the injustice inherent in the system! Help, help, i’m being repressed!’ is the phrase your post brought to mind lol. it’s a monty python thing in case you have no idea what I’m going on about. anyway, yes, as i said over at your place, I agree, it is all rather daft, huh?
I would be glad to see the death of feminism and a return to morals and values surrounding sex. I can count the number of men I’ve been with on 1 hand and I still consider it too high.
*prays she doesn’t get flamed*
@Livi, I think confusing sexual encounters with feminism is quite a dangerous thing. Feminism isn’t about the sex really, it’s about women have the same rights as men, being paid the same wage for doing the same job etc. It’s about fairness. Having read some of your points of view on this before I get where you are coming from, in a way, but at the same time I think wanting to take away the right for other women to be able to work and earn a good wage and be respected in the workplace is a wrong.
You should, as should men, have the right to choose. And that is what feminism is really about.
@Heather, I know that’s not what it’s about but I do think they are linked because feminism is no longer about choice, it has become about women being like men.
My original views were that women should have the choice but after being on the receiving end of what feminism has become I now think that most women don’t deserve that equality because they can’t handle it.
@Livi, what do you mean by can’t handle it and on the receiving end? As in bullying for some reason? I think that a lot is said and done in the name of feminism that isn’t anything to do with feminism if you know what I mean.
I’m still mulling over this one (great post, by the way – impassioned and well argued) and I think you give men a little bit too much credit. There’s an article in the Guardian about a female American reporter who goes into a locker room for the Jets (a sports team of some description, I presume) with several mail colleagues and gets wolf-whistles and cat-calls (shouldn’t that be tom-calls?). The article strongly defends her right to not be treated as an object. The comments…well, the comments don’t. And they mostly seem to come from men.
@Dad Who Writes, I didn’t read the article but I did hear some of the furore around it. I’m not sure really where i stand on it. We, as women want to be treated the same as men and yet if a good looking guy had gone into a room full of women that were all hyped up after a game of sprt, i’m sure he would have have got the same reaction, in fact the women would probably have bit a cruder because they wouldn’t have been holding back worried about any backlash.
So is this a case of ‘equal rights’ or is it just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time?
should we all expect to be able to go anywhere in the world, or our country even, and never come up against this sort sexual display from the other sex, or should we take it as part of the course? I don’t know the answer to that, I’m just thinking outloud…
Darlin’
Really, who even thinks about this anymore? Isn’t this a little passe? Love is what really matters, I need it, I want it, I can’t get enough of it. The more you give love the more you get back..from the whole world. Spread it around, love love love.
@doreenmccabe.blogspot.com, is what passé? Feminism? One night stands? Well, in my world one night stands certainly are but i suspect that in many others they’re not and feminism? no, i don’t think so.
I would love to live in a world where feminism was passé, where it wasn’t needed, where it was consigned to the history books as we read back about the crazy double standards with bemusement, but i fear that’s not likely to happen in my lifetime.
Whilst i declare it dead in this post, I don’t actually believe this, i was merely following a train of thought, but whilst we live in a world where women are still paid less to do the same job as men, are looked over during hiring for a male etc then i don’t think we can, or should,. call feminism passé. I think there is a lot of apathy around it though, a lot of women that no longer care about it, they are happy to be almost as well paid as men etc and don’t seem bothered about pushing it that step further.
I wonder why it is so…
@Heather,well realy who cares who or how many someone slept with male or femaile,thats not feminism to me. maybe what we are dealing with here is the men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Which harks back to EO WIlsons socio-biology that our society roles are based on our sex. That women will break up a game they are playing to include the outsider and men won’t…( paraphrasing) testosterone vs estrogen is the real difference. How many female serial killers are there? How many women perpetrate violence? AND why do we not castrate men for crimes of sex…(pedophiles, rapists etc) and alter their testosterone levels for crimes of violence??? Why did men have to invent GPS so they don’t have to ask for directions… Why do they have to practice somthing before they go out in public to perform it? This here is huge debate you have started… keep it up and take it on. !!!!! You rock these questions.
[...] of Notes From Lapland tagged me to respond to her impassioned polemic on the hypocrisy surrounding the idea of the Zipless F*ck, Erica Jong’s nearly forty year old trope from her [...]
[...] Do loads of memes. No-one will ever get sick of hearing 7 more secrets about your scintillating life and a sidebar [...]
@Steve, wouldn’t be great if we could somehow get the world together and thrash it out? Only trouble with that of course is you’d never find a town hall big enough, and if you did, you’d never get a parking place!
@TheMadHouse, I know what you mean. I think it is interesting how sex has become a sign of feminism for many. Surely one can be a feminist without needing to sleep with lots of men. surely one can expect to be equal in life without all the sex.
@Jude, men, lie about how many women they’ve slept with? surely not
lol
@London City Mum, I’m with you on that one. I hated working in places with loads of women, it’s so much more laid back and simple when it’s just guys.
@Very Bored in Catalunya, it’s an interesting way of looking at things. Of course, then one has to ask, but should it be any different? If everyone was nice to everyone wouldn’t it just be really fucking boring place to live?
@Marylin, my floozy days were great fun too
@liveotherwise, lol. I agree, with you. I don’t actually that feminism is dead, just chasing a train of thought. How can feminism be dead? It can’t be when there are still people that believe it – but I do wonder how much more it will achieve given the way we treat other women…
@Janet, *sound of me sucking in air through my teeth* Yes, we have it good in the western world. so good we often forget about stuff like this.
@Misssy M, I’ve never read the book. Just extracts. Interesting thought about men wanting to believe they re one of a select few. I wonder what women want…do we too want to believe that or do we prefer the idea of the man having been around a bit, practised, put his time in…? I don’t know what i think about that tbh. Will have to mull it over.
@Iota, it’s interesting really, isn’t it? i know a lot of men that hate working with women, not because they don’t like women or think they are better then them, but because they can’t abide all the bitching that goes with it, the sniping and what have you. I’m kind of with them on that too, having worked in an all male environment and and all female one, as well as lots of mixed, I much preferred the all male one, much more relaxed and calm environment. not one upping and bitching.
I wonder if i were a man, would I want to hire women…?
@A Modern Military Mother, I did read it, and I laughed, a lot. There are some very defensive people over there, takes me back to my time in the mob.
@A Modern Military Mother, s’okay, you can pay me later
@Wanderlust Scarlett, culture does play a big part in it i think, but as you said it keeps on changing and evolving so perhaps one day, despite the idiots that fuck it up for us all, we’ll get there in the end. It just baffles my brain somewhat that we still have to ‘get there in the end’ and that there are still unequal pay scales etc.
And you’re more than welcome to the badge, I liberated it from elsewhere
@LJ, likewise! i wasn’t too sure how this would be received. lol
@Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip, of course it comes from a much older place, all this institutionalised sexism and racism, but as for the sexism, I think women are doing a lot to send it backwards. it’s hard to argue against my male friends who don’t want to work with women because of all the bitchiness and backstabbing.
well said, we would conquer the world if we put our energies to supporting each other and getting things done.
@EmmaK, well said that woman