The Perfect Man
The man has gone away for a few days and I’m using the time wisely. As I write this I am bundled into my skanky looking but oh so comfy pjs, am wrapped up in my slanket, wine glass on hand and a giant bar of chocolate close by. I love my evenings of solitude, so much so that my only real criteria, other than ‘is breathing’ and ‘can laugh at himself’, for my perfect man is someone that is away a lot. Other than that I’m not really fussy.
And so when Steve at bloggertropolis asked me to do a version of Mommy Has A Headache‘s meme on the perfect man, I ummed and ahhed and put it off. Like I said, breathing, easy sense of humour and not here much, just about cover it. Or so I thought. Until I became surrounded by actual people whilst in London this weekend. It seems rather than not being fussy I had just forgotten how little I like people.
So here is my list for the perfect man, they are quite basic and ordinary things to me, but having seen some of the great unwashed this last weekend, it seems they are not so easily adhered to by all.
1. Must be able to form a sentence without use of the words ‘like’, ‘init’ or incorrect tenses. If you have ever uttered a phrase like ‘the train come late’ you can strike yourself off my list.
2. Must wear matching socks.
3. Must not deliberately walk in people’s way when moving slower than them.
4. Must wash on a daily basis.
5. Must not put hand down pants in public and scratch arse.
6. Must not, under any circumstances, then remove said hand and sniff it.
7. Must not own a pair of zebra print socks.
8. Must never wear said zebra print socks with a pair of white loafers.
9. Must not drive like a twat.
10. Must be at least 6ft, dark hair, broad shoulders and six pack, well educated but with no posh accent, posses rapier wit, excellent taste in clothes and music, be extremely well endowed of both the penis and bank balance and enjoy nothing more than reading my latest literary offering whilst murmuring about how wonderful and amazing I am before scooping me up in strong arms, throwing me down on the bed and ravishing me in the most ecstasy inducing way possible.
Not a tall order really, eh?
What would your ideal man be like?
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
See, I was like so there, innit, from 1 – 9. And then you had to weigh in with number 10.
My bank balance is totally empty!
Cruel fate! Cruel woman!
Tsk, damn that bank balance, otherwise you would have been perfect.
My list of requirements changes daily, sometimes hourly. At this moment my perfect man would put the kids to bed, cook me dinner, pour me glasses of wine and then leave me alone to watch The Real Housewives of NYC.
http://biancawordley.blogspot.com
To be fair, so does mine. and they rarely get lived up to. Probably something to do with that pesky telepathy stuff not working very well.
Clearly you’ve set your sights on my husband haven’t you?
Is it that obvious? Damn it, i thought I was being subtle and cunning.
Afraid I fell at the final hurdle too… though unlike you, I rarely forget how little I like people.
it’s all this living in isolation in Lapland stuff, does funny things to your brain. It’s not until you back amongst the great unwashed that you remember why you rather like living in isolation.
We’ll never get into a punch-up over a bloke, I love me a pair of white loafer and zebra socks, just love ‘em. Get’s me going big style.
it takes all sort, eh? He was sat at Heathrow airport on Sunday and I was dying to take a picture of his feet but everytime I got within rage with my camera he looked at me with that ‘im going to kill you look’ and I scuttled off.
Love that picture, think it says it all lol.
it’s great isn’t it?
I agree! 100%! Can we start mass producing these men do we think?!
like a factory or something?
1-9 sound like a pretty good mission statement for a eugenics company…
Great post. Very funny.
why thank you very much kind, err, garbage monster…
Absent men have a lot going for them. It was my ex-husband’s absence that enabled us to stay married as long as we did.
I would add to your basic list of ‘breathing’ and ‘absent’, ‘good at ravishing’. The rest is just icing on the cake
Indeed. and I’m not that keen on icing anyway.
You forgot the sense of humour! Must love the same things that get you belly laughing and also have the ability to make you laugh at all times. Otherwise point 10 is bang on
Good point!
Hmm, perfect man… one who lets me do my own thing, has loads of money, and isn’t around too much. Or, if he is, gives me plenty of space.
Also buys me nice things, like the Nikon D90 (camera) I’ve been lusting after for so soooo long.
Ahh, it’s nice to dream!
Dreams are lovely, eh?
Zebra socks?????? That is all I have to say.
Yup.
Could we add not sighing & tutting when I’m trying to watch something on the TV?
or when I choose to read stuff on the internet rather than watch mindless crap on the TV
Let’s add this – one who doesn’t talk to me when I’m obviously busy blogging!
Or complain because somehow sitting next to him watching TV rather than sitting next to him reading something on my computer is way more social…?
OOH where is the picture that goes with the blog?
umm, it’s up there at the top…
At my age a key requirement is has OWN dark hair, sorry baldy guys!
oh god sorry I didn’t realize you’d done this!!! My ideal man post was really describing my husband (FOR REAL)
how much of this is your husband: Must be at least 6ft, dark hair, broad shoulders and six pack, well educated but with no posh accent, posses rapier wit, excellent taste in clothes and music, be extremely well endowed of both the penis and bank balance and enjoy nothing more than reading my latest literary offering whilst murmuring about how wonderful and amazing I am before scooping me up in strong arms, throwing me down on the bed and ravishing me in the most ecstasy inducing way possible.
*speechless*