Appearances Matter
Before this year it had been 3 years since my last visit to the UK, this year I managed three visits, and whilst I loved seeing my friends and family, being able to buy new clothes without re-mortgaging anything and doing exciting things like travel by train and be able to read a newspaper without having a dictionary to hand, my visits also had me furrowing my brow and shaking my head a lot, feeling like an outsider, a foreigner in some ways.
Not in the land, the landmarks were all familiar, the accent comfortingly the same and apart from a few new ‘in’ words the language was the same as ever. It was the way in which people care so much about how they are perceived by others that caught me by surprise. How much money, time and effort is spent on creating their image, on looking a certain way, on making sure that people see the ‘you’ they wanted to project and not the real ‘you’. Something I hadn’t noticed when I lived there
Hair bleached, coloured, styled and teased. Make-up plastered on, thick, fake and often unattractive. Lashes clogged with goo, skin an unnatural shade, cheeks more so, and clothes that often looked like suits of armour rather than things people felt comfortable wearing. I found myself staring at peoples faces wondering why they needed to paint them, didn’t they realise that everyone could see it was painted, that they knew it wasn’t what they really looked like? And then I realised that to them this was normal, that they probably didn’t see the makeup on others, that they probably thought I was odd for not wearing much.
People looked as though they were trying to cocoon themselves inside their layers of make up, hair spray and on trend clothes and hide from the world. As though they were wearing camouflage to make them look like everyone else, trying to fit in. It was rare to see someone that wasn’t tugging at a hem or adjusting and fiddling with clothing they clearly didn’t feel comfortable in, touching at hair they were worried was about to fall out or checking up makeup lest we see some of their actual skin through the barrier they had applied.
It was visible on peoples faces just how self conscious and uncomfortable they felt; tight pinched faces, tight pinched walks, either hurrying head down ‘don’t look at me’ body postures or struty ‘look how great I look’ walks of people wanting to be seen. Neither natural or relaxed, very few people looking comfortable in their own skin.
You can call it taking pride in your appearance if you like, but to me it seemed more than that, more than just wanting to look like you hadn’t been dragged through a bush backwards, more than wanting to look nice. It was an animalistic need to look the same, to fit in, to be a part of the herd. All different, no two outfits the same, and yet all the same somehow, all complying with some code. The same code that says you mustn’t look old or fat but most of all you mustn’t look different.
Despite sitting on the sidelines mystified and amused by it all it was only 1 week before I found myself joining in. Just a week after arriving for my 4 week holiday and I caught myself putting on make up and agonising over which jacket to wear to take my kids for a walk around around the lake.
My god, this stuff was contagious!
I’d been in the country 1 week and was already caring about what I look like to go for a fun walk with my kids. What would happen after 4 weeks, 2 months, a year? It wouldn’t be long before I was buying hairspray with bamboo in it for special Asian forest stickiness particles or actually browsing the long line of anti wrinkle creams which not only defy gravity but also bring you eternal happiness and able to eat 3 helpings of desert without gaining a pound. It was quite frightening to realise how quickly and easily I’d fallen back into this need to look ‘right’ without even realising.
Are we simply herd animals that don’t like to stand out or are we so well caught in the marketing man’s web that we don’t even realise it anymore and blindly buy what we are supposed to without question? Could it be a city thing, that when you get to a certain amount of people in one place the herd mentality takes over? Because you really don’t see it much, out here in the sticks, but then we have a lot less marketing, no skinny models staring at us from billboards and bus stops, and the adverts don’t really have the same punch to them when they are dubbed over into Finnish, they seem to be more telling about how things are in a foreign land than how things are in this one.
Why is looking a certain way so important to us? Is it a herd/tribe thing, marketing or something else? And what is it with the bamboo in hairspray? It’s something that puzzles me every time I see that advert.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland... only less snowy and stuff.
No wonder I’ve never fitted into this country. Personally I favour the dragged through a hedge backwards look and take huge effort not to particularly care about how I look.
I wonder, is it different for men in general do you think? Is this tribal need to look the same more of a women’s issue?
Not sure. To be honest I’ve never considered myself particularly good looking so mirrors hold no pleasure for me and I’ve never bothered to come over all metrosexual.
A great post. I agree that when you travel you do look at the societal ‘norms’ with great puzzlement. It’s funny too how one particular look takes hold in a place when it can look quite strange to an outsider. Maybe that’s the idea – it’s a visual way of marking your territory? Of saying you belong!
I’ve just moved to a new town and was talking to one of the new mums when she said that she sets her alarm 45 minutes before she knows her 3 kids will be up. TO PUT HER MAKE UP ON. I was like, waaaaa? But she was deadly serious and I instantly felt like a dag for wearing no makeup and scarping my hair back every day. But it doesn’t bother me one bit, I think I look great and would be well worried if I felt I needed to look a certain way every day – man, life’s too short, who has the energy for that!?
I don’t scarp my hair back btw, it’s more of a scrape…
I wear makeup every day more or less. If I don’t people ask me if I’m ill!
But when I’m working from home you’re lucky if I get out of my jammies. But people are far worse than they used to be- used to be the folk with caked on foundation would be the women who worked on makeup counters at Boots. Now it’s teenage girls everywhere. Cher Lloyd from X factor is their poster girl.
Most would look so much better with just a little on. it’s not until you reach my age (40) that you realise how ace your skin was when you were in your twenties. Why cover it up?
I’d have said I was more of your school of thought – never wear make up, haven’t had any new clothes in ages (am looking forward to getting big enough to get into the maternity ones just ‘cos it’ll be a change) etc, but you’ve made me realise I’m not. Because yes, I worry about what coat to put on to go into town… I think it’s worse at the moment because I still feel like the new girl and I do, shallow as it may be, want to be thought of as someone who looks good, rather than the usual backwards hedge/back end of bus look I sport with people I know aren’t going to judge me…
On a lighter note, I’m still highly amused by the woman who wrote to the Sunday Times Style section a couple of weeks ago wanting fashion advice because “My daughter’s just started school and I wanted the Louis Vuitton animal print scarf to wear on the school run, but lots of the other mothers have it. Can you recommend something similar but different? My budget is £600″!!!!!
Do people like that really exist? (as a friend of mine said we’re more of the “My daughter’s just started school. Can you recommend some pyjamas that would be wearable on the school run….” type)
I’d love to be able to take more pride in my appearance but have neither the time or the money these days. There is though a huge amount of pressure to conform and I think the herd instinct does come into play.
Personally I don’t want to be thinking about my appearance all the time,I hate feeling self-conscious, so probably fit more into the ‘please don’t notice me’ brigade.
Having said all that, I’ve always been a bit ‘different’, and probably take some pride in it – after all not many teenagers can list morris dancing and hand-spinning as hobbies!
I think there are a lot of insecure people out there who believe they will feel better about themselves if they do XYZ. Plastering on make-up might be one of those props.
When I got divorced I went through a period of wearing more make-up. I’d also hit 40 and thought my skin needed the help. It turned out it didn’t, once I’d got life back on track, but the make-up helped me through a difficult patch.
When I go back to the UK I notice how apologetic many women seem to be. They don’t carry themselves well, they don’t look confident or happy with themselves. They might look stroppy and aggressive, but they don’t look at ease with who they are.
I know what you mean. In the UK it often seems like marketing has more of a hold on people than at least in my part of the continent. It also extend to must-have gadgets and new sofas – that kind of thing. I love the Brits to distraction but that does disturb me sometimes. And it is contagious. I haven’t bought makeup since I moved back.
I think it’s like that in any city. Even in the town where I live, 250,000 people, looks are perception! I don’t play that game but that’s atypical. It does amuse me though. I was just in London and it was certainly all about the looks. I was made to buy a new sweater in place of a ratty sweatshirt and new shoes in place of my sneaks. I bowed to the pressure as I needed a sweater and shoes and I didn’t want to embarrass my hosts. Excellent post. It’s mostly a self esteem issue though.
Wetsuit. The answer to all your problems.
Take advice from one who knows.
LCM x
Ha ha ha. We don’t all look that good in a wetsuit unfortunately.
I blame all these X Factor type shows. Or not. I don’t know who I blame. I don’t really pay attention but I haven’t noticed it much in my part of the world–which you may think ironic, is Essex. Ironic because I am well aware of the stereotypes of the Essex girl! I’ve always been a wash-n-wear kind of girl, a bit of makeup, but hardly anything.
I feel the opposite – I wish people would put more slap on here. I can’t understand why most of the mums around here make absolutely no effort ever to even put on a bit of mascara or to put foundation on a windblown face with tons of thread veins on it or to wear anything but sweatpants and sneakers. I mean most of them don’t dye their hair even if it is totally grey – unaccptable! That said I suppose I am getting less superficial in my old age. I just feel like if I don’t wear a bit of makeup and have washed my hair I psychologically feel like crap.
Quote: I just feel like if I don’t wear a bit of makeup and have washed my hair I psychologically feel like crap.
I so agree with that too. Making an effort makes you feel better in yourself even on the worst days.
I’m guilty!! I regularly have my hair cut and coloured, I have my gorgeous nails done every few weeks, I on occasions have worn fake tan when I am feeling a little pale, I get waxed to remove all unwanted body hair, I get my eye brows threaded and just generally make an effort …. BUT still feel tired and run down most days, but I use all of the above to help me feel a little more human to hide that fact that I have had hardly any sleep in the past 8 years.
I’m probably not a good one to ask. I live in Kansas. My morning makeup routine takes about 30 seconds. Apply lipstick, brush hair. Most days I wear jeans and a t-shirt. I can’t drum up the energy to care about shoes or purses or scarves. I’ll never win any fashion awards or be plucked off the street for model search, but I’m happy and comfortable in my own skin.
I think it somehow has to be related to animal mating techniques. Think of it – to use all peacock tails look pretty much the same, but the subtle difference between them is what attracts a mate. I remember reading that in animal display rituals, a member with a very ostentatious display will often be attacked by the other animals. So it’s a delicate balance, display but don’t be different.
That same drive to put yourself on display but not stand out too much is probably what compels us humans – and especially women – to act the same. To older women, today’s women look outrageous because part of their peer group is the women they see on TV and billboard ads – they’re like members of the same tribe.
In Finland, and any other lense densely populated areas, that animal display instinct is probably not as strong because there’s less competition for attention. Also, I think, in general, humans act less like our animal brethren in smaller population centres anyway.
Course, the whole lot of that could be bullshit, but that’s my take on it and the bonobos agree.
That was supposed to say “to us all peacock….” not use.
I wont go out of the house without make-up on and I genuinely like to make an effort with what I wear. Partly it does help my feel psychologically better, partly my skin is awful and partly it is a barrier for me. I’m a big “fake it til you make” fan and the person I am is not who I want to be, so I slap on the make-up, dress like a “normal” person and pretend. I don’t see anything wrong with that, if I don’t do it I’d sit in the house all day, every day, feeling like crap.
Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because we are ugly and we smell.
Peacocking – I sometimes do and sometimes don’t depends on what I need to achieve. I can go out sans make up and dishevelled – I have my winter legs on at the moment! Just call me a yeti!!
Well, I wear a touch of make-up (that would be concealer) most days but I still manage to look like crud. As I write, it’s 1.30pm and I still haven’t managed to have a shower or wash my hair (badly needed) because I’ve been waiting all day for some plumbers and they’ve only just arrived. At the rate they’re working, I will have to do pickup as I am – grungy!
I never leave the house without my black eyeliner in case people think I am ill and rarely without attacking my hair with the GHD: it makes me feel better, more confident and less vulnerable. Perhaps it’s a city and separated Mammy thing that I feel the need to project a ‘don’t mess with me’ image?
Yep – am with you on this post. At the school gates there are clones of people waiting to pick up their children. I like to look nice for me as it makes me feel good. It can also be nice when someone sees you made an effort for them especially when its a night out.
Women have been conditioned from birth to connect how they look with how they feel, hence all the comments about feeling better after having ‘made an effort.’ I know I fall into the trap sometimes too but I try to curb it or at least give myself a metaphorical slap. I find it so sad that we are still so reliant on what others think of our appearance for so much of our self-esteem.
[...] read Heather’s post on appearances and how much they matter with interest. But as I read the comments, I became more and more [...]
Yes depressingly true i’m afraid. Not just of England though but much of western culture. i think the herd culture, need to fit in is there, but i think there is also just the general obsession with surface beauty, the idea that perfection in how you look and dress will somehow make you happier and better thought of. Thoroughly depressing.
M2M
A fellow school mum has five children and people comment on how she is always at school on time and ‘always has her make-up on’, somehow implying that even though she has five children, she is not letting the side down by coming out without makeup on! So, round here at least, it is a societal thing although there are a disproportionate number of yummy mummies.
I used to be very vain about my appearance. I wouldn’t go anywhere without lipstick and high heels. For reals. Now, I’m lucky if I make it out of the house in something that isn’t covered in peanut butter and stains.
As a busy working mum, I find that as soon as I head to the bathroom to pamper myself, someone wants the toilet or a futile fight erupts. Maybe I should just go in there with earplugs and let them get on with it. My 8 year old loved helping me dye my hair ultra violet the other night though lol.
I know just what you mean, last time I was there I remember saying to my friend I had only been there a week and I already had slap on my face anda push up bra on.I love that I can just be ‘sleep’n’ wear’ here.