The top 5 worst ‘sexy’ Valentines Day gifts
This is a sponsored post.
It’s still fricking awesome though.
Well, it’s nearly Easter. At least that’s what the supermarkets would have you believe with chocolate eggs already making an appearance. But there’s another gift buying, Hallmark day coming up first. A day to strike fear into most women’s hearts.
The dreaded Valentines Day.
*represses a shudder*
When we were teenagers it was something looked forward to with excitement. Would you get a card this year? Did you have a secret admirer? Would the person you sent the card to intuit it was from you and track you down at break time to declare his undying love behind the bike sheds?
Inevitably, not. No.
These days the fear is much less about not getting anything and looking like a sad dweeb who no-one loves or even fancies, and much more about the fear of the impending gift. One we will have to smile over and, if really unlucky, use or wear with fake excitement.
That’s right, it’s almost time for husbands everywhere to start Valentines shopping. Or should that be browsing porn sites and imaging themselves as the well hung stud and you as the skinny, shaved, inflated boob possessing tart. I can only assume that is what’s going through men’s minds when they buy this shit.
The top 5 worst ‘sexy’ Valentines Day gifts
Crotchless knickers
Never a good idea. Never. Not classy, not sexy and invariably made from cheap, scratchy material. Also not a good look when your lady has a grown-up woman’s hairy minge as opposed to a naked one that porn stars and prepubescent teenagers have.
Sexy costumes
Sexy serving wench, sexy nurse, sexy police woman etc: no! Just don’t do it! Firstly, this is supposed to be a gift for her, not a gift for you. Secondly, there is nothing sexy about serving to beer to drunken idiots, stitching people back together, moping up blood and being puked on or arresting people that have been beating their wives, drunk driving or shooting each other. And thirdly, it’s demeaning. Don’t do it.
Cheap sex toys
Yes, we can tell the difference. No, it’s not just about us wanting only expensive things, it’s about us not wanting bits falling off in our delicate areas. About wanting to be sure that the thing being inserted inside us is not coated in skin blistering chemicals. And no, it’s not normal for the chemically rubbery smell of sex toys to be so over powering that it makes your eyes water. Get your credit card out you cheap fuck.
Flavoured condoms
Yes, we know exactly what’s on your mind when you hand us a six pack of extra ribbed, mixed flavour johnies, and the answer is always going to be no. Because, I’ll let you in to a secret here, those ‘flavours’ all taste of rubber. Seriously, there is no way I’d put any of them anywhere near my mouth.
Hardcore bondage gear
Unless your lady love has already professed the desire to be tied up and beaten or dragged around on a dog leash and humiliated, now is not the time to introduce her to the darker side of your erotic fantasies. Pulling a gimp mask and leather straps out of that hastily bought, heart-covered gift bag is a good way to ensure that you never have sex again. And spend a large amount of time getting acquainted with the bed in the spare room.
If you really do want to buy something erotic and sexy for the woman in your life, then try some nice lingerie from Ann Summers. It’s on the high street. And all the slebs shop there you know: Emma Watson spotted saucy underwear shopping with mystery man.
Or a childminder and a bottle or two of decent wine. Hey, it would work for me.
Oh, and when buying underwear, do NOT buy anything that zaps you with static.
Unless of course your aim is give the love of your life thrush.
I'm Heather, an ex expat, now back in blighty and living in Lancashire. Which is just like Lapland only less snowy...and stuff.
Great post Heather made me laugh on a cold winter morning but like you say I’ll stick to a new perfume thanks
Valentine’s Smalentines…. I’d better not show this post to t’husband though as he’d purchase all of the above (‘cept the condoms maybe).
xx
and batteries – don’t forget the batteries and don’t be a meany and wrap them up separately like an extra present either.
D’you know what Elder once gave me for Valentines Day/my birthday (they are 4 days apart)? A set of false teeth and a bunch of his old CDs wrapped in a whole roll of sellotape and Christmas wrapping paper. The issue with the teeth (apart from they were minging) was he gave them to me in a nice box outside the shop I managed, and hence I threw them and screamed. I’ve never let him forget that one.
Not a fan of him buying undies, cos he would use his initiative and check my bra/undies size out and know I’m not the size 12 I claim to be.
Well, that’s pretty much everything crossed off my list now. Except for new saucepans.
I take it all back! Give me your monochrome world view again!
I was reading this on my phone on a packed train, it gave the bloke stood behind me a treat!
Made me snort out loud! I had a bunch of plastic roses once.The ex came home very drunk and gave them to me.He didn’t realise they were plastic until the next morning.Bastard.
There’s no Ann Summers in Germany. Sniff.