Dear Mr Warburton,
Why, oh why do you hate us so? I can only assume that you do indeed hate us, why else would you inflict such awful first-world problems on us?
Perhaps you were you bullied at school and never really got over it. Or maybe you were forced into the bakery industry by an overbearing father and secretly you always wanted to be a ballet dancer. Maybe your crimes against us are simply your way of dealing with the years of frustration at unrealised dancing dreams.
But whatever the reason behind your actions, there really is no excuse. You understand that, don’t you? Two wrongs do not a right make. You hitting out at us, your customers, in this manner is unacceptable and I implore you to cease and desist.
Please stop ruining our breakfast times with your deliciously yummy and yet impossible to cook bready products.
Why in the name of all that is lovely for breakfast would you make the perfect-for-toasting loaf and then make it too big to fit inside any standard toaster? Unless cooked under a grill (and let’s face it, who can be bothered?) a slice of Warburtons is either still untoasted at the top or (if you turn it around to cook the top bit) burnt in the middle.
What is wrong with you?
Seriously, why would you do this?
And as if that wasn’t enough, your crumpets, your wonderfully thick and mouth-wateringly delicious crumpets are too thick to cook from frozen in a standard toaster. They require not just 1 go in the toaster on the highest setting, but a further turn at a low setting to completely defrost them through and through. Which inevitably, given these are morning products and therefore one is often somewhat groggy whilst preparing them, ends up with me biting into a crumpet that’s perfectly warm and buttery on the outside and yet still cold on the inside.
Why do you hate us so?
An unsatisfied breakfaster.